DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I’ve been with my partner for more than a year now and it seems like we’re doing pretty cool. Aside from being a gay couple, there is a 13-year age difference between us: He’s 23, still exploring the gay life, while I’m 39, and I’ve been there and done that. When we started living together, we vowed that we will be exclusive to each other.

However, living together has made us aware of each others flaws. Recently, I’ve found out that he’s not been completely faithful to me as I am to him. He’s been meeting guys through the Internet, something I found out while checking his chat logs. It has happened a couple of times already but he keeps on denying it.

I know that I’ve also committed a mistake by invading his privacy, but I really can’t trust him anymore. Reading all his messages with other guys makes me so upset, angry, bothered and depressed. But I also think that confronting him with my evidence -- which I gathered the wrong way -- will just make matters worse.

Do I need to cope with him being younger than me and just accept the fact that he can never be faithful? Or do I just let him go and end this, and how?  – Hacky 
 
CHICO SAYS…What you seem to lack in your relationship is a setting of boundaries or limitations, in the sense of what is allowed and disallowed, what is acceptable and unacceptable.  
For some relationships, strict adherence to fidelity in every form is observed. No physical cheating, no emotional cheating, no cyber-cheating, no flirting, sometimes even no looking at other boys/girls; faithfulness at the strictest and most literal level. While on the other end of the spectrum, you have “open relationships”, wherein different levels of “openness” is observed.

I know a couple who allows as much flirting as each other wants, as long as it stops there; no amount of physical contact allowed. So they can cybersex all they want, send as many sexy texts as they want, as long as it stops short of any physical contact.  
I also know of another couple who actually allows physical sex with other people as long as the other one is there. No coochie-koochie allowed without the participation, or at the very least supervision, of the other one.

I know, most people will bristle at the very idea of this debauchery, but all I’m saying, is that this approach works for some, just as military-level fidelity works for others as well.

Personally, I prefer something in the middle of the two extremes. But what is acceptable to me is not the point. I guess that’s exactly my point: what is acceptable behavior for you, and what is acceptable behavior for your boyfriend - that is what you need to decide on as a couple. What works for one couple might not work for another. You need to find the ground rules within which your relationship will move. Whether you decide to adopt the puritan or the morally ambiguous set-up is up to you both as a unit. What’s important is that you arrive at one conclusion that you both agree to.

The ideal, is for you both to agree on what’s allowed and what’s not. The only scenario I see wherein breaking up would be the logical progression is if you can’t come to an agreement. If you reach an impasse no one would budge from, then maybe it’s time to realize that you’re both headed in opposite directions, and maybe it’s time to look for someone who shares your world view, or at the very least share your views on what’s acceptable in a relationship.

To a degree, love is really like a game, one in which you need to set the rules before playing because you can’t have people playing following different rules. Players need to agree on a set of rules, then play by them. So either agree on a set of rules, or find yourself a new playmate.

DELAMAR SAYS...It’s time for you to speak the truth in your relationship and with your boyfriend. There is lying on his part and there is sneaking around on yours. Both involve some sort of deceit and/or a less-than-honest behavior. Once there is surreptitious behavior introduced in a relationship you start to not trust. And then little by little both parties start to treat each other like spies, not believing what the other says.

And then? These lies start to chip away from the foundation of love. Lying even once to your partner does have a domino effect. After this, you will find yourself questioning even the good times because at the back of your head you know that a line has been crossed by your partner. And you will wonder, can I ever trust him again after this?

Look, there is no “un-knowing” what you already know. You have proof that he has been meeting other men thru the Internet and it doesn’t sit well with you. Not the actual meeting of men and certainly not the lying about it too. Something told you whether that is instinct or intuition that there’s something he is hiding from you and that in turn led you to invade his privacy by reading his chats with other guys.

Lying begets more lying. You being afraid he will get mad when he finds out you have invaded his privacy is just you wanting to hide your own lie. On both sides there is dishonesty. We can argue, of course, that being unfaithful is worse than reading your partner’s chat logs especially if you only did so because you had a feeling he was hiding something from you. But that isn’t at the heart of the situation you are in right now. There is no moral high ground here because you also know that it was wrong for you to go behind his back and read something that was just meant for him to read. It wasn’t like you stumbled on to it. You sought it out. There was some covert operation going on with you too.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel so guilty about how you got your confirmation about his ‘indiscretions’.
The truth is you BOTH can’t be truthful to each other about this. And at some point, before the whole thing gets out of hand, someone will have to speak the truth. Are you supposed to stay with him? Are you supposed to break up because he is unfaithful? Do you stay with a partner who has cheated on you? Is there a way to get thru the hurt, depression, insecurity, and upset that his indiscretion has brought you? These are GOOD questions. But how can you even start to answer these questions without speaking the truth?

Speak the truth. Speak the truth. Speak the truth. There is a sense of freedom when you do. The truth shall set you free, right? Lies just put pressure within. You will need to remember what you have lied about. And once you have lied you will need to cover that lie up with another lie…and then you start spinning because you will need a very good memory for what is the truth and what is the lie.

Come clean as to what you have done and what you have found out. Then, without drama or “panunumbat” ask plain and straight about whether he is cheating on you or not. Hopefully, his answer will reveal to you what should be your next step. Whether he returns your honesty with total honesty back or not you will know what kind of man your boyfriend is. You will know who he is and what he is capable of doing. And then you will make a decision if you can go on with the relationship or not. But before you even get there…you will need to speak the truth with him.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)