DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...Hi! I just need to ask, is there hope for long distance affair? I met this guy through a friend. He is working in the Middle East as an engineer.

We hit it off. He is in his 30’s and is serious about life. He’s been bitten once but he seems ready to try again. His experience with his ex made him wary of women. He was supposed to get married when he found out that the joint account was taken by his would-be-wife and he found out that the girl had a son.

At the outset, I was excited to keep in constant contact. However, I realized that I am hooked online almost everyday. He would demand to see me every day through a webcam. If we’re not online, he would call me at least thrice a day and check on me at 7 p.m. every day. During my rest days, he would expect me to be home and I feel guilty when I go out over the weekends because he would really not leave the house for two days just to be able to talk to me and see me online. At first, I found it sweet; however, months of being “guarded” everyday has made me lose focus. I have to find excuses when I can’t answer the calls and I have learned to turn off my phone for days if I don’t want to be bothered.

He does not understand the pressure of my work and he can’t comprehend the fact that I need to focus and not hear from him so that I may finish my work. I like him a lot but his past relationship makes him distrustful.

In my bouts of don’t-want-to talk-mode, he didn’t text or call after trying to keep in touch for days without getting any response from me. After a week, he buzzed me and said he never wanted to force people to like him. I got scared and started receiving his calls and following his commands whenever he asks me to go online. At a certain point, I get tired again. Sometimes, I revert back to turning off my phones once in a while.

Is this worth pursuing? He is serious and he wants to get married. I can’t see myself living with him in the Middle East but his job pays well. He’s arriving again this month. What should I do? I’ve never wanted to commit until I meet him, but is it enough to survive a long distance relationship? –AIN’T TOO KEEN

CHICO SAYS…All apologies to Sheena Easton, but I’ve never been a fan of long, long distance love affairs. Although I’m pretty sure that there are countless examples of successful pairings borne out of this set-up, I believe you have the odds stacked up against you.

In general, your situation aside, I shy away from long distance relationships (and might as well add internet relationships) because I’m a believer in person-to-person, face-to-face, physical contact. Many things are suspended in the realm of theory and fantasy until you’ve met each other in person, until you’ve spent days on end with each other, until you’ve seen each other, smelled each other, kissed each other, and so on. It’s the difference between reading about adobo and actually eating it. It’s one thing to know the ingredients, the process of cooking, to read a description of the taste, and to approximate the taste based on the ingredients. But no amount of adjectives can compare to simply tasting the dish yourself.

Same thing with human beings. You can swear to know each other after years of interacting over the internet, but the picture is never complete without experiencing being with each other physically. Only then can you make a sound decision regarding this person. Now specific to your situation,
I understand this guy’s paranoia. Once burned, twice shy. If he’s been hoodwinked by a dame in the past, he’d want to guard against something similar from happening again, accounting for the bantay marino attitude.

Being continents apart doesn’t help his feelings of vulnerability against romantic bamboozlers. I understand you too; I can imagine you cringing at the idea that if he’s like this now, what more when you’re married?

The only way to answer your question is to suspend any decision regarding marriage, and taking your time and get to know each other better first. Spend as much time as you can when he comes home, and see how you click in person. Trust cannot be gained overnight. Can he trust you enough to give you ample breathing space? If not, are you willing to live inside a marriage that is run like a high-security prison? Are you willing to take all his quirks as long as he’s got a stable job? Will he change or do you have to accept him lock, stock and paranoid barrel?

None of these questions can be answered now, not without knowing much more about this person you’re considering as your lifetime partner. You NEED to know him better to get a clearer picture. Only then can you make a decision you won’t regret for the rest of your life.

DELAMAR SAYS...It is important to keep in mind that you are in a long distance relationship. For now, there are a lot of bonding time that isn’t happening and cannot happen naturally precisely because you are not together physically. You need actual time together for an extended amount of time to really see how you will get on with each other in real life. It is from there that you get to know each other and really see if you can live a life together for the rest of your life. Without that, you are taking a much bigger risk marrying someone you hardly really know.

I think you shouldn’t commit yourself to marriage under the present circumstances. You have to know for yourself if this man is really the man for you. Don’t worry about whether it is time to commit to him or whether he is taking you away to a far away land. The more important thing right now, as far as I can see, is to explain how you feel about what is happening. It is important to say how you feel. It is important that your partner knows how you feel about his demands. Don’t go dodging his calls without fully explaining where you are coming from. If you do that, comply with his wishes and never saying how you really feel inside about them, you will just be saving up future resentment against your partner. And then you will blow up and get fed up with a situation that you are not comfortable.

Communication has to take place. You need to know that you can reason with each other especially
if what you both want are not in agreement. Like what is happening
now. He wants a more constant connection even via chatting but you feel stifled. You have to know how to TALK AND LISTEN to each other so you can meet halfway.

Look, wait for him and then meet him. Don’t do any drastic moves right now especially if you don’t know how you feel either way. Wait and see. Wait for him to come home. Then try to see how you both get along in real life with each other. Granting that a one-month stay isn’t long enough, it is better than nothing. Talk to each other. Tell him it is important to you to have a life outside of your computer too.

He needs to know as well what are your wants, needs, demands, non-negotiables, etc. Tell each other your expectations. Tell him how you feel about living in the Middle East, tell him how you feel about having such a strict regimen when it comes to calls, texting and chatting. Only after you have an honest to goodness talk with each other about what you expect and do not expect in the relationship can you even begin to find out if this partnership has any potential of surviving in the long run.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)