DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...Back in high school, I stole my friend’s boyfriend from her.

I’m not proud of it and I have never gotten over the guilt. It troubles me even today, and since my friend and I lost touch after that, I have never had the chance to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Just recently I found her on Facebook, and I saw this as an opening for me to make amends. I added her as a friend...and she “ignored” me.

I feel a little conflicted about what she’s done: I resented that she could hold a grudge for so long over a disagreement that happened when we were teenagers, but I felt even guiltier because it showed that what I did really hurt her.

But now that she’s “ignored” me, should I take this as a sign to let go and accept that our friendship
can no longer be? Or should I just keep on “poking” her in the hopes that she’ll give me a chance to apologize? -LEA

CHICO SAYS…I see two valid approaches: First is to keep at it, no matter how she ignores you, because you own up that it’s your fault, and will therefore do everything in your power to correct
a wrong. Hopefully, she sees just how heartfelt your apology is, and her unyielding heart might find some newfound space for a long-lost friend.

Second, is to respect her righteous anger. Obviously, you did her a grave injustice and she deserves to feel the way she feels and display it the way she wants to.

And as the transgressor, all you can hope for is that someday her anger ebbs and she’ll give you another chance, BUT on her own terms, not yours. There is a school of thought that just because you’re sorry, you can dictate when she will forgive you. Things don’t always work that way. Never underestimate how long a person can hurt from a misdeed we performed. You can’t tell her she shouldn’t feel hurt anymore because, “it’s been so long”. Unless you’ve had it done to you, and you’ve forgiven the woman who stole your man, you’re in no position to demand that from her.

Personally though, I’d go somewhere between the two. I’d reach out as much as I could, just so she knows that I’m sincere, and I will be effusive with my owning up to the crime and earnest in my apology. But after a couple of valiant attempts, if she remains steadfast in her defiance, then I will give her the space she prefers. At least she knows the remorse that I feel, and therefore the ball is in her court. Just let it be said, that on the record, I am sorry for the hurt that I had caused.

Now whether she accepts the apology or not, is up to her, and she deserves as much. True, time heals all wounds, but sometimes it takes a LOOONG time for some wounds to heal.

DELAMAR SAYS…I’m not sure if you keep “poking’’ her on Facebook it will help your cause any. Some people don’t like that and other people actually take it as a sign of sincerity. It can go either way depending on the kind of person you are dealing with.

For me, if I were in your place, I would write her a letter or an e-mail. There I would say exactly how I feel about the wrong I did against her. I would describe how now, with the benefit of age, I understand that I don’t want to ever hurt someone

like that ever again. Because it isn’t right. I would make no excuses in the letter/e-mail. I would just really apologize to another human being whom I have hurt in the past. Make the message simple and direct to the point. And then as sincerely as you can really say/write the word ‘sorry’.

It hardly matters if she forgives you, although it would be nice if she did. But I think the point in all this is that we all make mistakes at many stages in our lives. Some we make in subtle fashion and others we make in a big way. This cannot be avoided since we are all humans therefore fallible. We err. We commit sins. We have missteps. We don’t always know the right way, if ever there is a ‘right’ way to begin with.

Making the mistake is not the point. The point is in realizing this mistake and taking responsibility for it. No matter how the other party feels whether they are forgiving or not. You only have to be accountable for your own actions and apologizing
to her now sets the record straight.

You were wrong and you are saying it, admitting it to her. Your part or obligation in this scenario is to say you’re sorry. But whether she will forgive you and proceed to be friends with you, well, that is really
HER move to make. Her part she will have to decide. Will she forgive you or will she hold the grudge and punish you forever? She gets to decide that. No way that is under your control. In the same way that she couldn’t control losing her boyfriend to you back in high school. That must’ve been how she felt. She lost the guy to you and she couldn’t get him back. Now you want her to forgive you but you can’t make her. The only thing you can do is offer your friendship despite all that’s happened a long time ago. It will be up to her if she will accept it.

The only thing I know is that you have the best chance of really being able to apologize properly to her if you come across as sincere.

And I hope that is what you achieve by writing her a letter or an e-mail. The hope is that if she sees that you mean to apologize to her wholeheartedly, then she will feel the urge to even just entertain the thought of forgiving you.

Send your apology with no expectation of forgiveness but just the hope that you have somehow done your part in making things right.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)