DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I recently changed jobs, and one of the biggest fears that I had before transferring was the difficulty of having to get along with the employees at my new job.

The department I was assigned to has a small and tight-knit team, and I was worried that I might become the “third wheel”, so to speak.

As it turned out, getting along with the new team wasn’t all that hard. They welcomed me with open arms and immediately made me feel like I had always been part of the team. My new boss was especially welcoming, he even took me and my new co-workers out for a few drinks to “celebrate” my arrival.

But as time progressed, my boss’ insistence on closeness – with me, specifically – has become something of a job hazard. It’s all well and good when I can be part of the out-of-office activities he invites me to, but he tends to get a little personal when I bow out of any of these invitations, often by being caustic towards me at work the day after. How do I know it’s personal? Because he never acts the same way towards other employees who miss the get-togethers.

It’s not that I don’t like his company, because I do. It’s just that he doesn’t seem to understand that I do have friendships outside of him and the office. If he were just any other employee I would have talked to him about it. But the fact that he’s my boss – and that he can fire me when he wishes – complicates things. I really need this job right now, so does this mean that I have to just resign myself to the fact that I have to be his BFF, whether I like it or not? –PHIL

CHICO SAYS…In a way, you set the pace as to how people treat you. In your case, if you used to go with them every time they asked you out for a night out, obviously you get them used to that sort of treatment. They, especially your boss, took you saying yes all the time to mean that you enjoy their company immensely! I mean, they don’t know that deep inside, you do NONOT consider them as real friends, otherwise all this hanging out won’t be a problem.

For a lot of people, when you keep going out with them, that means you ARE BFF’s with them. So the moment you beg off, obviously you’ll get a reaction. Either you’re really an ultra likable guy, that no gimmick is the same without you, or you’re a very good actor, pretending you love being with them even when you don’t.

But say from the get-go, you showed them that you’re not the hang-out-with-the-officemates-kind-of-guy, they wouldn’t have expected anything from you.

If you don’t feel like being the new member of their barkada, then let your actions speak for you. You don’t have to be rude or anything like that, but start begging off from nights out, be less visible, or if you’re up to a little bit of white lying, then come up with excuses every time they invite you so you don’t have to go with them.

I don’t think you’ll get fired for not being Mr. Congeniality; maybe they’ll like you a little less, maybe you won’t be as much a part of the inner circle, but you can’t have everything, right? Like I said, you’d have to choose between hanging out with people you don’t particularly fancy, or be truthful and be a lot less popular. If I were in your shoes, I’d be a little bit of both.

I’d say yes sometimes, but I’ll make excuses the other times. So they’ll not consider me as one of the boys, but at the same time I won’t be branded a pariah. It’s a tough mix to brew, but it’s possible.

Maybe you trying too hard to fit in gave the wrong signal to the boys. They took it as you really enjoying their company. Time to break in the real you, and hopefully they’ll learn to like it, or even if they don’t, then hopefully they can learn to tolerate it.

DELAMAR SAYS…Set your boundaries and be consistent and firm. Those are the two things I would advise you to do with this kind of problem.

You’re the newbie in the group and people don’t know how to treat you, including your boss. This is the time when you get to know everybody and everybody gets to know you. So this time is crucial in setting your limits and boundaries with everyone.

It’s good to make sure you socialize with your officemates, as it is important that you bond with them to make the working environment more pleasant for everybody.

However, a good rule is: every thing in moderation. You don’t have to commit all your free time to hanging out with them. Or, you don’t always have to go when they ask you to. As long as you go every once in a while and other times make sure you tell them that you have other things to do, I think you will be fine.

For now though, your officemates still don’t know how much they can push you to hang out with them so expect them to try to push you into going every time they invite you. All you have to do now is make sure you tell them nicely that you have made plans already if you really have. Let them say what they want even your boss. He will eventually get it that you have time for them but you also have a life outside of the office. That’s when being consistent and firm comes in.

When you have time to go out and socialize with your officemates do so. And when you have other commitments, don’t. At first, this will be a little difficult just like how your boss tries to make you feel bad about not going. Don’t give him the pleasure of making you feel guilty because once he smells that on you, he will push and push and push. Seeing that there is an imbalance of power as he is, after all, your boss, you have to make sure that when you have commitments with the other people in your life you will not break that just to be with your boss. But he also has to see that when you have committed to going out to office parties you are really there and you will not break it either just to be with other people.

So set the boundaries. But be patient, as it will take time for them to understand that these boundaries are non-negotiable. Just follow through with being consistent and being firm. And hopefully, in time, they will understand that these are your terms.

Lastly, keep your eye on the ball. The most important thing here is the job, the work that you do for the boss. So, keep turning in good work and he might see that you are a good worker and therefore worth keeping, no matter if he can’t bully you to hang out with all the time. Good luck!

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)