DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...In high school, I developed a crush on this guy. He wasn’t really in my circle of friends, and he used to bug me a lot, but it changed when we reached our junior year. Later that year, I heard that he already had a girlfriend. After graduation, we separated ways and never talked again.

I relocated here in Manila while he studied in Ilocos Norte. But on my sophomore year, he transferred to a college near my school in the U-Belt area. We started talking and meeting up since he’s practically new in the city and I help him get around. I even had to fetch his eldest sister from the bus terminal once because he had an exam that day. I also helped his youngest sister take the entrance exams in 2007, becoming practically her guardian, because he said he had errands on that day but when he arrived to fetch his sister he looked like he just woke up!

When we started working, I managed to find a job in Makati. In November 2007, he asked me to accompany him to Makati for an interview since he didn’t know the place that much. He eventually worked at an office near mine, just walking distance. We would have lunch together, or he’d go to my

CHICO SAYS…Unfortunately, you carved for yourself the doormat role in this relationship. You’re the friend who’s always there for him, willing to wait on hand and foot, even if it entails an arm and a leg. You never complain, you give without taking. So now tell me, who wouldn’t want to agree to that deal?

The fact that you’re pining for him, is no sweat off his brow. Since you ask for nothing in return, the thanks you get is the “privilege” of offering him your services.

Lopsided? Definitely. Deserved? I don’t hear you complaining.

Oftentimes the giving party in an unrequited love scenario is willing to suffer everything for nothing.

The receiving end will not complain, because he’s getting a free ride, with nothing to pay except to let the adorer serve his every desire. Obviously he knows you have a thing for him.

The fact that he hasn’t done anything about it means he probably isn’t into you. But he won’t stop you from doing what you do, which is basically serve as his lackey, primarily because you give so willingly, and loyal servitude is always welcome, especially when there are no strings attached. And yes, he will
look for you if you suddenly disappear, but not necessarily because of any love, or any similar emotions.

I’m pretty sure he loves you too as a friend, but for sure he misses the favors every bit as much, if not more. Of course there’s always the chance that love will develop, but based solely on what you wrote us, the signs point to a user-friendly conclusion.

I don’t want to sell your friend short, since I don’t know him and that would be unfair, but your situation
follows a pattern that we’ve seen too many times before, and it usually ends up with one party feeling mighty pissed and ultimately shortchanged.

DELAMAR SAYS...The problem with expectations is that, well, if they are not met, disappointment follows. For example, when you go out of your way for people to help them and you expect whether a thanks, or ‘utang na loob,’ or whatever in return and you don’t get it, you will feel disheartened.

You said you wanted to put some distance? Whatever for? What I think would have been wiser for you to do, if you think you have to do so much for your friend and his family, was to advise them on what they need to do but to let them do it for themselves. You need not do favors for them too often. Just give them instructions on what they might have to do and then leave them to do it for themselves. The more you make yourself available for them to do their errands or what not for them, the more you breed dependence.

And sooner or later, it will take its toll on you. And that is what has already happened. He has come to rely on you for most things.

Helping out is a good thing. But you will have to do it wholeheartedly and without expecting. If people choose to return the kindness you show them well and good. If not at least you didn’t set yourself up for disappointment. It will be hard to expect from people as it might disappoint you.

Besides it would be like saying to them, “I will help you but you have to appreciate me.” Weird to hear it, right? But in essence, that’s what’s causing your disappointment. You saying it is as if he is just your friend when he needs something. Well, if you wanted to be friends, you should have set the rules of friendship. But what got set up between you and this friend of yours is mainly a one-sided friendship where you are always helping him. That was the basis of friendship. So without his needs, he’s gone. Or maybe he just found a way to do the things he needs to by himself.

Look, if you want to be friends with him in the real sense, and then just hang out with him even if he doesn’t need anything from you. Set new rules of friendship. Make it a two-way street this time where you enjoy each other’s company. If friendship is what you want with this guy then spend more time just enjoying doing things together or just enjoying spending time. No need to buy his friendship with favors.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)