Dear Chico and Delamar...I’m 19, and my mother just recently got herself a Facebook account. She’s been reconnecting with her high school friends, one of whom we’ll call Jake. I don’t know what they had going on back in high school, but they certainly seem to have got something going on now. I’ve found out that they often chat on YM even up to three in the morning.

I even once checked her e-mail and Facebook accounts, and I found out that this Jake has been sending her song lyrics, pictures (fully-clothed ones, thank God), she’s even asked him not to accept my friend request on Facebook. I even found out that they have an upcoming high school reunion where she plans to see Jake again. I confronted her about it and, as expected, we ended up fighting.

I’ve told my dad about this and he doesn’t seem worried, saying that my mom is probably doing this to get some attention. He says that this will probably end soon, and that frustrates me. With my mother’s high school reunion coming up, should I do something to prevent her from going? Or should I take my dad’s advice and just let this thing roll over on its own? -KIM

Chico says..Oooh, this is a toughie. I won’t tell you the right or wrong thing to do, since in situations like this, it’s usually just an ocean of gray areas, but instead I’ll just tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes.

In a nutshell, I’d leave her be. Obviously, your mother is going through something. I think the fact that you’ve said your piece is enough. This is very much like reverse parenting.

I take the same stand when it comes to parents wondering what to do when they feel that their kids are about to make a big mistake. Like the cliche says, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Trying to prevent someone from making a mistake (if it’s even a mistake to begin with), has never stopped anyone from making it anyway.

Besides, your mom is an adult. In Tagalog, alam na niya ang ginagawa niya. Maybe your dad is right and that it’s just an attention-getting device, or maybe it could lead to something more serious, like a full-blown affair. But my point is, the outcome isn’t for you to decide. I know you have a stake in this as their child, but harsh and cold as it may sound, this is between your mom and your dad. The fact that your father has belittled the gravity of the situation means he wants you to back off. Maybe because he knows it’s nothing serious, or maybe he knows it’s bad, but he doesn’t want you be in the ringside seat when the sh*t hits the fan.

I know it’s a tough order to stay away from something that could potentially reduce your family life to ruins, but your involvement in this goes only so far. In the future, when you start deciding for yourself, and your parents (or whoever else the case may be) start meddling in your affairs, you’ll realize the importance of loved ones giving you space to decide for yourself, yes, even if it means letting you make terrible mistakes even when they’ve seen it coming.

Some lessons cannot be taught theoretically; some need to be gone through like some metaphysical obstacle course, to get through our thick skulls. Sometimes, a price has to be paid before we start listening. It’s just gut-wrenching to have to sit and stand helpless as we watch our loved ones pay.

Delamar says...Is there a way to stop people from doing what they want to do?

Short of locking them up in a cell and throwing away the key, you can’t really do anything once someone has decided they want to take a certain path. Whatever they want to do, right or wrong, is THEIR decision in the end. She is your mother, not your child. She is a grown woman who is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong.

Look, I am with you on this. I don’t believe she is doing the right thing, but you have already stated your case. You told her what was on your mind. To someone whose mind is clear, the moment your child addresses your flirtations with another man and asks you to stop, you drop everything and realize that you are putting your whole family life in danger.

But your mother’s reaction is nothing like that. She is continuing whatever this is that is happening to her and her high school sweetheart. So, she is not about to listen to anybody because she wants to do what she wants to do.

Sure, she is putting her marriage and her family life at risk by coming close to a temptation. Of course, that is hard for you to watch. There is a certain helplessness because you know what she is doing can hurt and even break the family bond. But this is her choice to make too. It is her marriage she is risking here. It is the respect of her daughter that is on the line. So all you can do is tell her what you think. But in the end, it is her choice to make.

My advice is this — talk to her in a calm way one more time. This time though no drama. No hysterics. No shouting. No histrionics. Just tell her that what she is doing is hurtful to you. Tell her that it is hard to just watch someone who is risking her marriage and her family life. Tell her that should something happen, it is your family too that will get torn apart not just hers.

Tell her that what she is doing is hurting you. And then acknowledge that in the end she is her own person and she will do whatever she wants. But tell her that you hope what she wants to do doesn’t end up breaking the family apart.

The more you fight with her, the more you will push her away from you. The more she might run to where she is welcome, in this case the high school friend. So be careful that your words and your actions do not make things worse.

It’s a tricky time when you end up parenting your own mother. Stay calm and collected. Panicking is the worst that you can do at this point. And when you fight with her it betrays a sense of panic on your part. Choose your words and the way you will say them because this situation demands a lot careful attention and a delicate balance of saying what needs to be said and knowing when to stop.
Lastly, this is first and foremost, your father’s load to carry. It is his marriage and his family on the line too. It is his wife who is doing this to him. I hope he is right and that this is all an attention getting step on your mom’s part. Because if it isn’t he needs to address the situation for himself and soon before things get out of hand, if it will at all.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)