Dear Chico and Delamar...About two months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a classmate. Understandably, when my boyfriend found out he asked me to stop seeing my classmate ever again. My boyfriend and I worked things out, and our relationship went back on track.

I did keep in touch with a female friend who is also friends with the guy I cheated with. My boyfriend did not approve of this, and constantly got on my case for being friends with her, telling me that my friendship with her reminded him of my cheating on him. After more than once abruptly cutting short a conversation with my friend because my boyfriend would loudly object in the background, I decided to just end my friendship to keep my relationship with my boyfriend afloat.

My friend agreed, although she thinks that it’s irrational for my boyfriend to be uncomfortable with the two of us maintaining a friendship since she was the first person to lecture me when she found out I was cheating on my boyfriend with my classmate. I felt really, really bad when I had to end it with her because I really, really wanted us to keep in contact with each other. Do you guys think I should ask my boyfriend if I can speak to her again? –Paisley

Chico says…I hope you forgive me for being sharply blunt (oxymoron intended), but based solely on the little I gathered from your letter, you strike me as a spoiled brat in the relationship. No disrespect intended, but when you say stuff like, “I had good reason to cheat on him” and “it doesn’t excuse what I did” in the same sentence, you don’t seem to be very contrite about your infidelity.

If you really think you had good reason to cheat, then you ARE using that as your excuse. Or if you really believe that it doesn’t excuse the behavior, then the reason can’t be that good now, can it?

Personally, I don’t think there’s any excuse for cheating. I don’t condemn people who cheat, all I’m saying is, there’s no excuse for it. If I ended up cheating, I’m sure I’d have a reason too (moment of weakness, midlife crisis, crime of passion, too hot to resist, etc.), but let’s face it, there can be reasons, but no excuses.

In the end, it’ll still boil down to my bad. Let’s say you’re no longer happy with your partner, and sad to belong, yadda blah, yadda blah, then break up before hooking up with someone else.

But going to the topic of the friend, I understand both sides. I know that she had nothing to do with the indiscretion, in fact she spoke against it, therefore why should she be punished as if she were accomplice to the crime? But remember, you are the offending party, therefore you have to give some leeway to your boyfriend. I know he’s being unreasonable, but can you blame his being paranoid? From your boyfriend’s point of view, what’s to stop you from asking your friend updates about the guy? Even if you don’t, the possibility is there.

This is where the spoiled brat comes in. Even if you and your friend already agreed to cut communication for your boyfriend’s peace of mind, you still insist on having your way.

My suggestion? Wait. Just let things cool a bit, and with the passing of time, maybe your boyfriend won’t be as strict, and will loosen the handcuffs. You need to regain his trust and that takes time. But for now, if you’re really serious about making the relationship work, put this specific friendship on hold for now, given that it’s a source of contention, and come back to it when issues have simmered down. Like your friend said, she understands. She doesn’t agree, but she understands. If you poop in your own backyard, you gotta be willing to clean up the mess.

Delamar says…I don’t agree with boyfriends and/or girlfriends telling you whom you should talk to and whom should not talk to. It seems to me a little bit too controlling.

In my experience, men and women who tell their partners what they wear, how they should act, what they should look like, who they should hang out with is not really interested in a partner but more of a puppet they can control.

Still…having said that, your situation is different. There was cheating involved on your part. And since that is on the table my advice simply is this…

If you want the relationship with this man you cheated on back, then you must ask yourself what you are willing to do to regain the trust or at least repair the damage you’ve done to it. Because I am not sure if you know how it feels for him, how much hurt and doubt plagues someone you’ve cheated on. There is hurt for sure. But more than that there will always be doubt now. What you say he will weigh in his head over and over and he will wonder if this time you are telling him the truth. When he is not around you, he will wonder if you are with another.

He will wonder if you think about this guy long after you have gone back to him. He might even get plagued with images of you in the arms of another! Do you realize how difficult that is? Every time he sees you he will be reminded that you are the woman whom he loves but who has betrayed him.

In this situation you are the bad guy and you haven’t got a lot of say as to what it will take to “fix” things.

That is your boyfriend’s call. Regaining his trust will be a full time job for you in the relationship.

I realize that this is a good friend of yours that he wants you to break communication with. And that she has nothing to do with the cheating and all that. But you really have to ask, do you really want to get back together with this guy?

If yes, are you willing to do everything to rebuild and regain the trust? Inevitably, your answer will tell you what you should do. Are you willing to do everything in your power to show him that you can be trusted? Are you willing to prove to him that being with him is important enough to you?

In my opinion, it is your boyfriend who will tell you what it will take to at least get on the road to the healing process. If he says, he doesn’t want you talking to someone, then decide if getting back with him under these conditions is what you are prepared to do. I mean, there WAS cheating. And somewhere somehow something’s gotta give.

Something will have to bear the consequences of that indiscretion. Instead of losing the relationship, as is usually the result of cheating, some other part of your life will bear the brunt. As it turns out, the payment is your friendship with someone. No, it is not a payment of the strictest sense but there is trust that was broken. How will you prove to your partner that you are serious in rebuilding the faith in your love? Are you willing to do everything in your power to get back that love and feeling?

If you decide you want to give the relationship everything you got to repair it, then just tell your friend about your decision and hope and pray for her understanding regarding what you are about to do. Tell her straight up and hope that she will be a big enough friend to see past the hurt and understand that you need to do what you need to do. You don’t get away that easy when you do something like cheat on your loved one. Somewhere, somehow, someone will pay the price. If it isn’t you, then it is your friendship. Are you willing to do that?

Lastly, if you decide that you want to fight for this relationship even at price your boyfriend wants, just make sure he understands that the friend he is asking you to break ties with has nothing to do with the cheating and as a matter of fact was the very same friend who was totally against it. But tell him that is not important now, what is important is that you want to prove to him that you are willing to do whatever it takes to show him that you are serious about fixing things between you.

Good luck to you. I hope that more than anything clarity will come to you so you will know what you should do.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)