DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

Over the years, my friends have slowly been getting into the family way. I’ve attended my own share of baby showers and weddings over several months, and for the most part I have enjoyed being part of this momentous moment in their lives.

However, I’ve also started getting baby shower invitations from acquaintances that I barely know, and even some whom I’ve had less than friendly relations with in the past. I’ve gotten an invitation from someone who has constantly turned down my invitations to have lunch. I’ve gotten an invitation
from someone who actually told me to my face at a party that she doesn’t want to see me there at all.

I may be wrong, but what these invitations are telling me is that these women don’t like me, but they have no trouble asking me for a gift. Is this conclusion valid? Or are these women just being courteous by inviting everyone on their phonebook? And do I have to go to their showers and bring them gifts? -MISSY

CHICO SAYS…

This is a weird situation. Because in my experience, people who don’t like me never invite me to any of their special days! Either you’re leaving out something in your story, or you really attract a lot of frenemies.

I’m no Emily Post, so I hardly know the intricacies of the by-the-book rules on etiquette, but in the “Chico Garcia Book of Basic Good Manners”, the burden of intention lies with the inviter and not the invitee.

What I mean is whether they like you or not, whether they really want to invite you or not, and whether they’re sincere in the invitation or they’re actually hatching some evil plot against you, the fact is, they invited you.

As the invited person, you safely presume that the invitation is genuine and given in good faith. Whatever their real intentions are, if any, is their problem, not yours.

Put in your shoes, I would accept every invitation, as long as schedule and finances permit. And yes, I will bring a little token, however humble, even if I personally feel that the gift is for a demon-spawn.

It’s not being plastic, I’d like to see it as merely behaving as part of a civilized society. If we put so much time dissecting the real intentions of people, it will drive us nuts.

Find that balance, however difficult, between trusting blindly and manic paranoia. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, even the ones I consider “the enemy”. Sometimes the conflict is real, but sometimes it’s really just our own persecution complex creating these scenarios where people hate us and conspire our downfall. Sometimes they’re just going their own merry way, and there we are cowering in one corner, fearful of our imaginary adversary’s next attack.

As for them, they might not even know we’re there. But in case your assessment is spot-on, and they just invited you for reasons less than genuine, that speaks more about them than it does about you. Be the bigger person and treat the invitation as a genuine one and act accordingly. Then just spread the word on how ugly their baby is. Joke.

DELAMAR SAYS...

A good rule of thumb is to go to the ones you really feel happy for.

For me, it is immaterial to impute that these women just want gifts. That doesn’t matter. Yes! I am saying it is useless and should have no bearing on whether you should attend or not.

Now, although you might be right in some instances, it is hard to judge what is in people’s hearts. Maybe they got over hating on you. Maybe they realized they were a creep to you. But maybe they do just want gifts. Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter because all that really matters is who are you happy for enough to attend their baby showers. Even if let’s just say that one of them just wanted gifts, being user-friendly and all that jazz, if you liked them it wouldn’t bother you one bit to give a gift to someone you like. No matter if they liked you back. At least, that’s my two cents worth on the matter.

Listen, recently in my personal life, I noticed I had a friend whom I suspect doesn’t really like me. I cannot confirm it but it seems my presence is being tolerated because I am part of the group. But you know what I realized too? I realized I LIKED HER. I think she is an awesome person. And although she may not like me, I’m cool with that because I like her. I still exist as I am whether I am liked by this person or not. We may never be the best of friends but I know deep down in my heart she is a great specimen of a human being…who just happens to not like me.

It’s not the end of the world. It’s just another person who’s not into you. You take note and then go your own way. This thought gave me enough room to breathe and understand that just because someone doesn’t like me DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I SHOULD HATE THEM BACK. It really is their problem, their prerogative and even their inalienable right, to like or dislike whomever and whatever. Just as much as it is yours.

Don’t participate in a never-ending cycle of hate. Disengage. Don’t play a part in it. Let that be their problem and theirs to resolve.

Meanwhile, choose whom you can be sincerely happy for and then go to their showers. Buy them the gifts they so need at such a joyful albeit financially demanding moment in their lives even if you know they don’t like you. Whether they are being sincere or not is not your concern anymore. At least on your part, you have done things wholeheartedly. And you have done something good. That is good enough, don’t you think? Whether they liked you or not, does not play a part in being good to those whom you like. Good luck and I hope you find more people who like you and whom you can like.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)