DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

Whenever my father and I meet new people or he introduces me to his friends, I’ve always become the focus of less than encouraging comments about my appearance. I’m not very attractive -- I’m fat and I have acne scars, and since I work from home I’m not a particularly snappy dresser. All of this is brought up whenever my father introduces me to other people.

It was only when I moved out and lived in a dorm for college that I began to realize that not all fathers treat their children this way. I asked her once why he would treat me like this, and he said that he was just telling the truth. The way he’s been treating me has made me feel bad ever since I was a young child, and I want it to stop.

I feel like telling him how his words make me feel will only encourage him to be even more biting. I already know that I am ugly, and I don’t need my father to rub it in my face as well. How do I make him stop from doing this to me? -SCOTT

CHICO SAYS…

I just watched a movie about a guy who has Tourette’s Syndrome which makes the sufferer spit out loud noises uncontrollably. There’s a touching moment there where the guy confronts his dad: “I’ve always embarrassed you haven’t I?” And the dad answers: “Yes. And I often wonder if it’s my fault.”

It hit an emotional raw nerve because growing up, I never really felt anyone was proud to have anything to do with me. Even now when friends and family tell me how proud they are of what I’ve done in my career, a small voice inside my head still asks, “But would they still feel the same had you NOT been a success?”

When kids don’t turn out as golden as expected, when they turn out not-so-smart, not-so-pretty, not-so-successful, overweight, gay, or possessing other traditionally unwelcome traits, parents often need to point an accusing finger at something, even to themselves, just to make sense of their “damaged” offspring. They need to ask the question, “Where did I go wrong?” But see, this is their baggage, not yours. You can’t control how they will feel about you, but you can control how YOU feel about you.

If I may crib from a cliche, no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. To a degree, I largely agree.

If I may share from personal experiences, we are public figures and so we need to hear the bad as much as the good. If I took to heart all the venomous odium that’s been thrown at me, then I would’ve jumped off the nearest cliff a long time ago (come to think of it, where IS the nearest cliff?).

So insulate yourself from the nasty and accept what needs accepting, minus the judgment. So the next time your dad “tells the truth” and calls you ugly, then you need to have a certain amount of, “Maybe I am. Deal with it!”

I know the pain of trying to find your inner beauty when you feel ugly from without. But for your own good, you can’t let other people dictate how you will feel about yourself. Find it from somewhere deep and pull out whatever love of self you still have and use that to cushion the sharp words. You can tell your father how you feel. Not to stop him, or to tell him off, but just so that he knows. Let him know that you feel even uglier than necessary because of how he talks about you. Let him know that even if for the sake of argument that it is the truth, it doesn’t make saying it any less wounding.

Whether or not he stops, is his burden. At least you’ve said it. As far as you’re concerned though, find your self worth and embrace it. If no one else will do it for you, then do it for yourself. You have to wean yourself from the image of you as seen from your father’s eyes. Take a good look at yourself and make your own opinion. I truly hope you like what you see.

DELAMAR SAYS...

The way I see it, Scott, is that it is your responsibility to communicate to your father how you feel about what he is doing to you. Whether or not he listens to what you have to say and make the proper corrections so as not to hurt his son is HIS responsibility. But yours is to be able to communicate and tell him straight to his face what it makes you feel. And not just saying it but being able to say these difficult sentiments without anger, aggression, or disrespect. It is important for any two people who have any kind of relationship with each other to be able to communicate with them, convey to them our thought and our feelings and vice versa.

There has to be some sort of talking and listening going on between these two people. If one has something to say then the other must listen and not react but really just listen to what is being said keeping in mind that these things are HARD to say especially among the males where machismo still has its grips on how men behave.

So for me, you have to be able to say what you feel about your father’s actions. And yes, I did notice that you are apprehensive about telling me because you suspect that it will not make the necessary changes you hope. And yes, it is possible he won’t listen nor take you seriously.

But keep in mind that these only actions we can control are ours. And so, just do your part in this problematic situation. That is, as I said, your responsibility. In the same way that it is his responsibility to listen and to react appropriately. But that is his call. That, unfortunately, is not within your control. So, do your responsibility to this difficult situation between you and your father. That’s about the only thing you can do. If he chooses not to listen or to ignore the pain that he is causing you, then let that be the way HE has handled the situation. As far as you are concerned you have done your part and in the vernacular ‘hindi ka na nagkulang’.

Don’t preempt your father, either. Anticipating that he will ignore you or will not listen to what you have to say is like shadowboxing. You’re dodging when you haven’t even thrown the first cause of action. So be open and don’t think about the result just yet. The only thing you need to focus on is being able to convey to him your feelings because it is getting to a point where there is pain already. Who knows, for all we know, he will listen. For all we know, he will realize because you had said something, that he is hurting his son. Something that he doesn’t want to do. For all we know, he just isn’t sensitive enough to realize that his words his son who loves him and only wants his approval. So, as much as you might think you know how this will end, please don’t preempt your father. Keep an open mind and let things unfold. Don’t attach yourself to a desired result in this case him listening to you. Instead, attach your wholehearted effort in doing your part as calmly as you possibly can by talking to him.

So, what happens if he doesn’t listen to you and continues his hurtful ways? Well, the way I look at these things is this…the way he has chosen to be the kind of father is his choice. If he is a hurtful father to you then you understand that that is HIS decision. Yes, it is an awful one because ideally fathers are not supposed to hurt their sons but instead raise them up with a healthy amount of love and respect.

Again he has chosen the kind of father he is to you. But the better question for you, Scott here is, what kind of son will you be? Will you take charge of doing what is right, in this instance it is about being able to communicate the hurt your father is intentionally or unintentionally inflicting on you?

This is about you choosing what kind of son you will be to him. Just do your part. After that, if the other party is not willing to play their part in the keeping up of harmony then at least you have done your part. As far as you are concerned, you’ve done what you could to make the situation better. Do what is expected and what is in your power to do but also honoring the fact that whatever the reaction will be is up to the other party.

Some fathers are great. Some are good. And yet there are some who are bad at it. We all are dealt cards we just have to play them well. We can acknowledge that a parent is not doing the best for his child but after realizing that fact, we have got to leave it be and accept that that’s who they have chosen for themselves.

But now it is time that we choose to for ourselves what kind of people we will be separate from them. The only hope is that someday when it is our turn to be parents, we would have learned valuable lessons and more from our own parents to make us better at it with our own children.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)