DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR…

I said I would never date a smoker. But then, I fell in love with one. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now. He knows I hate that he smokes. When he smokes, he distances himself from me. I told myself I will not force him to quit, because the last time I attempted to “change” a boyfriend, he broke up with me. He likes that I accept him for who he is – a smoker.

He tried to stop a few months back and I was so happy. He said it was his birthday gift to both of us. Our birthdays are only a few days apart. But it lasted only for a week because he got a call center job, so he started smoking again. He reasons that everybody’s smoking there so he can’t do anything. He felt guilty of course because he promised me he would stop.

So ok, he’s smoking again. It never really bothered me until recently.

He was complaining about his finances. He had to give to his family money and share with the expenses in the house, plus he has to pay his credit card bill. I got ticked off when we were in a convenience store to buy cigarettes. He can’t find his lighter so he had to buy a new one. He asked how much the smallest lighter was, and the cashier said it was P30. I blurted out “Ang mahal naman for a tiny lighter.” My boyfriend asked what the problem was. I said, you complain how your salary is not enough and then here you are buying a really tiny lighter for P30. We basically ended up arguing
about the lighter that evening and that was not even the issue.

We were able to patch things up without discussing the real problems. I want to talk to him about it, about his finances and how his smoking bothers me now. But I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to be accused of meddling again. Do I even have the right to meddle? – Natalie

CHICO SAYS…

Once two people decide to live a life together, whether it’s within the confines of a more formal
contractual marriage or a more informal let’s-see-if-this’ll-work type of commitment in a boyfriend-girlfriend milieu, you both need to start learning the tricky skill of merging both lives together, even if it involves the gargantuan gray area of “meddling” in each other’s affairs.

I put the word “meddling” in quotes because what some people would assign as a right to know, others would brand as meddling or nagging or stepping over the boundaries of personal space.
But the way I see it is this: why do you think most smug marrieds have this thing where one cannot make a major purchase without seeking approval from the other (or at least informing them)? At least with married people, and in the eyes of the law, whatever money that belongs to one, belongs to both. And although you’re far from being married, you have every right to have your say in his finances, because anything that affects his finances, eventually affects you.

To make a simplistic example, let’s say he buys expensive sneakers, but because he has depleted his finances, he was no longer able to afford a birthday gift for you. Something like that. I’m not saying he has to do what you tell him. He doesn’t have to follow any of your advice, but he has to at least listen to what you have to say. He would feel the same way if you started doing things with your money regardless of his input.

You’re right, this has less to do with the actual smoking as it does with setting boundaries within the relationship.

With boyfriend-girlfriends, especially with those in new relationships, it’s tricky to ascertain up to where and how far in your life you let your partner in.

For some, being a boyfriend starts and ends with committing to exclusive dating, while for others it entails opening up every aspect of your lives to each other. This is the area with which I think you might be having a problem.

For me, the boyfriend-girlfriend stage is the trial run for marriage. So might as well let your partner in as much as you can. Let them pervade every aspect of your life, and vice versa, so you see if you’re on the same plane when it comes to finances, emotional issues, family life, religion, world views, etc. Eventually if you’ll consider each other for a lifetime together, you need to know if you’re both rowing at least in the same general direction.

So personally, you have a right to bring up concerns regarding his handling of his money. Not the right to dictate, just the right to be heard. Speaking from experience, from someone who’s been in a long-term relationship, for me one of the most hurtful things my loved one could tell me is that I’m being meddlesome.

So try to find the right balance. Don’t push too hard, to the point where you play the part of a domineering mother, but don’t be so passive as well, where you’re of no consequence in his life like some useless wallflower. Be each other’s partners, in the truest sense of the word. Try to work as a team, learning to decide matters that will eventually affect you both. If you decide to be lifetime partners, you both need to realize that what happens to each individual, affects the whole unit. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s a necessary lesson to learn.

DELAMAR SAYS...

Smoking is an addiction. Nicotine is very, very, very addictive and according to the Department of Health, cigarette is more addictive than some forms of illegal drugs. So, when your boyfriend cannot find the willpower to kick the habit or even when he finds ways of getting his next nicotine fix, please remember that this is a true blue, addict behavior.

In this case, he is looking for his next nicotine fix. On top of that, he is working in a call center and so he will lean on caffeine and cigarettes to keep him awake. That does NOT make kicking the smoking habit easy at all.

I am explaining this because it is not fair to judge him and his actions by simply charging it to his being difficult or he is just hardheaded or stubborn. You have to understand and accept that this is an addiction that he is dealing with. I do not make excuses for him. I know that there are many people who have quit smoking successfully. And so to say that it is possible to get rid of this unhealthy habit is correct. But when you speak to him and you approach this touchy topic, it is imperative that you have all the information so you can deal with this with appropriately.

What you have to answer right now is: if you were willing to tolerate the smoking before why can’t you tolerate it now? What changed? Yes, he is hard up but then knowing that he is addicted sort of tells you he will act like an addict and find ways to sustain the habit, his body is craving for it. Besides you know that he needs to keep awake being in a call center and smoking is one of the ways that he can do that. Too bad that he now has an excuse not to quit smoking.

So, what changed? If you were willing to tolerate it before, why not now? The reason why I am asking this is because you have to be aware of YOUR own motives and really know where all this is coming
from. I am with you on this. I think it is a good decision to quit smoking. I agree that he needs to follow through on it. But we know that already. What we don’t know is what is making you angry and pissed now about it. Believe me, he will want to know the answer to this question too because you changed and he doesn’t know where it is coming from.

When you know for yourself what is really irking the heck out of you, you will gain clarity as to what you really want from him. And when you know what you really want from him, you can choose your approach to this difficult issue between the two of you. When you know what you want him to do or not do, then you will be better able to choose your words when you talk to him, temper your mood so that things don’t get pushed into a combative zone.

He is a smoker and he must quit for his own good. No arguments there. But you need to get clear with your own motives before you demand the changes…even if it is good for him. You must put yourself in his shoes. He is wondering where all ‘this’ is coming from. So, you better get clear about it so you can better explain what it is that you want from him.

When that is done, approach the topic with calmness and never with aggression, otherwise, you will get nowhere with it. But first things first, so what changed between him smoking before and you didn’t want to change him to him smoking now and you want him to change?

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)