DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I had a terrible bout with depression when I was in high school. As a result, I have quite a few scars from the cutting and burning on my arms that I did to myself back when I was dealing with my feelings.

I always wear long sleeved shirts so my scars can’t be seen. On occasions when they are seen, there is the inevitable question on how I got them. I have no problem sharing with friends and family, but it does get awkward when it happens at social functions. Sometimes changing the subject works, but more often than not people just get more curious when I say something dismissive. When I reply
with “I’d rather not talk about it,” I get weird looks and they start avoiding me.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past, I just feel that this is something so personal that I do not share with random acquaintances. I don’t want to distance myself from meeting new people though, and besides, my job requires me to be in a lot of social situations. Short of changing jobs, is there an easier way to deflect questions about my past? Or should I just resign myself to wearing long sleeves for the rest of my life? –Robert

CHICO SAYS…

You owe no one any explanation whatsoever about your past, unless it has any direct relevance to the people concerned.

For instance, if you’ve had a criminal past, then you owe it to a prospective employer to come clean about your police records. Or if you’ve had gay relationships in the past, then you owe it to a prospective wife to explain your fluid sexuality, just so she knows exactly what she’s getting into.

But for people who you just met, you don’t owe them any explanation as far as your bouts of depression are concerned. You are correct, that you may not necessarily be ashamed of it, but it’s not exactly idle small talk either. It’s not like, if you’re in a party, and you crack, “Yeah hi, my name is Robert and I used to cut myself because of deep depression...”

That’s a cricket moment right there. Besides, people who aren’t close enough to you should have the sensitivity to NOT ask about scars, especially if they suspect that they’re self-inflicted.

My rule is, I wait for people to volunteer such information; I’m not one to pry these things from them. My advice in case you come across more sensitivity-challenged acquaintances, is to not give what I would call, deliciously vague answers.

When you say stuff like, “I’d rather not talk about it”, it’s almost like telling them, “The gory details are just too deliciously juicy to share with you.” Statements like these will just whet gossips’ appetites like fresh blood does to sharks.

I’d suggest more mundane ambiguities like, “Oh these? Just old wounds” or something equally non-committal. You don’t have to share what you don’t feel like sharing, but no need to make up lies either, which will just complicate things further.

Give them a verbal shrug off and let their imagination lead them to whatever conclusion they want, but that’s their problem, not yours. It’s better to keep safe, because some people want in on personal stuff not because they genuinely care, but because they just want the dirt on people.

Some find power in having these tidbits about everyone in their possession.

It’s an ugly trait, but you’d be surprised at how many of them are out there. Fending off snoops is easy enough, but what I’d like to call attention to is if you are truly over the depression already.

I just hope you’ve really resolved whatever it was that drove you to self-mutilate, because if you just pushed it down, it could resurface as easily as it was repressed. There are professionals who can help you thresh out these unresolved issues, just in case. But if you’re truly past that, then good for you, and treat your feelings and thoughts like you would your own house. You get to decide
who you’ll let in, and who you’ll keep at bay at the doorstep and not go any further.

DELAMAR SAYS…

My only advice is this: stick to the truth and keep it simple.

Sticking to the truth does not necessarily mean that you have to delve into details. It just means that when you choose what you will say, you still say something that is true about those cuts.

For example, you can say that those cuts were from your childhood but it’s too long a story. You don’t lie but you also are not pressured to say anything more. And then leave it at that. No need to worry about how they feel or that you need to say more. Just stick to the truth and keep it simple.

I know that cutting one’s self is not a trivial thing and it speaks of a time when there is emotional turmoil.

However, that is nobody else’s business and you have to live with the scars -- literally and figuratively -- because it is part of what happened to you. For better or for worse, it happened to you. It is part of your history. And so, there isn’t much to feel about it except to ACCEPT it.

That also means living with the scars even if people can see it. More than other people here, it is you who need to accept that it was a part of your childhood. No excuses. No explanations.

No alibis.

One of the hardest things in life to accept is that we must fully embrace the good and the bad that had happened to us and then fully see ourselves for who we really are. Those scars although they represent pain from those years, are still a part of you. As such, you must fully, whole-heartedly and with love accept it.

I don’t mean you should do it again or that it wasn’t wrong, I just mean that it is part of your life story so you must within you be able to process it and really work through it.

Don’t ignore it. Don’t exalt it. But just as any event that happens to us we must be able to accept it. Look, can you go back to the past and change things so those cuts are not there? You can’t. If we can’t change it, we must accept it. And in my opinion, when you have fully accepted what happened to you then, when you have fully accepted those scars, and when you have really understood to love yourself for everything that you are…then slowly, gradually but surely what other people think will be worth less and less for you. Because you will have earned the acceptance and understanding from someone you need it the most: yourself.

You have touched my heart with this letter. I feel pain for the child who thought he had to cut himself to feel something different from the emotional pain that was feeling within. That pain must have been great. And although you have trouble accepting these scars, I sincerely hope that you will find a way to really understand and then embrace yourself now.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)