Catching up with Jacobo during a break at a photo shoot. Every free time I get now is spent making up for my absences with both Jacobo and Ayisha

Dear Dawn,

Rean Angala.

I got the lowdown from moms in the midst of raising siblings. These friends have younger or older siblings, four years and beyond. This “spacing” can have a lot of benefits: an older child who is independent, can entertain herself and talk about her feelings; the opportunity to focus on the younger child; and avoiding the financial hit of sending two kids in daycare or in college at the same time. However, it can also result to having sibs who are less involved with each other. Parents also find adjusting from a “big kid” to a younger kid hard to do.

I didn’t expect my son, Jacobo, to dote so much on his little newborn sister Ayisha. But he’s always been so inquisitive and super sweet – even helping to fetch diapers for Ayisha when I’m changing her. I guess, newborns aren’t likely to be fazed by older kids. If anything, they’re actually psyched to have a baby brother or sister. Besides, they are just too busy in their own lives to get in the way of your baby bonding.
There is also the marriage factor. You might be getting used to the relative ease of caring for an older kid – and sleep, sweet glorious sleep, with all of its perks for married life – when you find yourself in Newborn Zone again. This can be rough on a relationship but at least you know now what to expect.

What do moms love? No question, the best benefit that moms list with having properly-spaced children is seeing just how loving their older kids are with their younger sibs. One of my friends would sometimes worry that she and her husband are not meeting their daughter’s needs because they pay more attention to her little brother. But lately, as a young teen, she loves how distracted her parents are!

If your kids are not that close now, don’t worry. Moms say that with a little work, you can encourage closeness between widely-spaced kids. They can bond with them by talking to their boys about what they were like when they were each others’ ages. You can also show them pictures of themselves when they were babies. This is what I’ve begun to do now with my son whenever he hovers about curiously, seeing that I am breastfeeding Ayisha. Remembering those days can help older kids find more patience and empathy for their younger sibs’ annoying habits. With that, I think you should try to fix your work-sched and your husband’s so that you can free up some time to spend with the whole family.

Usually they will learn how to relate with their sibs. It is all part of growing up. Sometimes three kids need to tag along for one child’s activity. Don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Everyone can have his or her turn. And I’ve seen many siblings who have great relationships. They can actually learn patience and cooperation from being with each other. It’s not just “me” but “we.”

Finally Rean, you said you often find yourself exhausted from the daily grind. I would suggest you take weekends off and relax with both your children. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do with them, whether it’s just lying in bed and working on a scrapbook with your daughter while you let your son play with scrap paper. It might not be so big but at least, you’re doing something together. Maybe by sharing more of these idle moments with them, you can alleviate your son’s aggression towards you. He acts that way because at his age, this behavior is expected. However, it is at this stage also that this kind of behavior must be curbed. My guess is: he’s just really in need of your attention and affection. And while I understand how wiped out you are after a week’s worth of work, I encourage you to try to keep up with the development of both your children. We all need to work and create a good life for them but I think it is best that we don’t miss the mark and forget what is really important, no matter how great our intentions are.

Your daughter is already 10 years old and understandably, you just may have forgotten how toddlers desire to be attended to and cared for all the time; how different the needs of your younger kid— with your time and nurturing— from that of your older child. Try to tune in and listen to what he is not saying and you’ll soon decode and understand his toddlerhood angst.