DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I’m 27 years old and I’d like to think of myself as a hopeless romantic. Would you believe that I’ve only had two serious girlfriends at my age? My last one was during my last year in college and that was already four years ago. Other than flings, I have not had a serious relationship since that time. It’s not that I haven’t moved on, it’s just that I’ve been so into my work that it has never come into my mind to look for another girlfriend.

My problem is that people who’ve known me as being single for such a long time think I’m not straight! What hurt even more was when a good friend of mine asked me if I’m gay because he has never heard of me being romantically involved with anyone. I always find myself getting
angry and irritated whenever I remember those incidents.

At this point in my life I’m waiting for the right one and I’m not in a hurry, but do you think it’s time for me to be romantically involved with someone just to prove that I’m a real man? I know who I really am, and I know I can’t please those kinds of people, but I’m worried. -ALDRIN

CHICO SAYS…

Hooking up with a girl just to prove to others that you’re not gay is one of the absolute WORST reasons to get into a relationship for.

Why does it matter to you so much what people think? As long as you’re positive that you’re not gay, it shouldn’t really matter to you if some people think you are.

Now, let’s say you’re interested in a girl, and she thinks you’re gay, then that a great reason to set things straight (no pun intended). Or let’s say someone is spreading rumors with malicious intent, then it would be wise to call him on it because you’re being attacked.

But other than reasons like that that merit clarification of your sexual orientation, you don’t really need to panic about allegations regarding which team you bat for. If people are really just assuming you’re gay on the sole basis of you being single, I don’t really see why it’s a source of stress.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not imputing anything, but usually, the men who get upset about gay rumors are closet gays, because it’s a big secret that threatens to be exposed. But if a man isn’t, they couldn’t care less what people think.

For instance, if rumors went around that you have dandruff, and it isn’t true, would you bother going around shaking your hair in front of everyone just to prove that it isn’t true? No, right? So, it’s just either one of two things: one, like I said, you’re a closet gay man, or two, you’re straight, but you consider being gay a terrible thing, and therefore you treat being called one as an insult.

If you’re the first, then maybe it’s time, not necessarily to come out, but to at least make peace with the fact that you are, and if you’re the second, then that’s you’re problem. I don’t agree with your way of thinking, but you have the right to think it.

But if you’re 100 percent sure that you don’t fall into either category, then my only advice is to RELAX.
Besides, if people think you’re gay, whether it’s true or not, they will think you’re gay. And in this day and age, having a girlfriend or even getting married is no longer absolute proof of you’re heterosexuality. So even if you have a hundred girlfriends, there will still be people thinking you’re gay anyway. So spare some poor girl the experience of being in a relationship mainly as proof against someone’s gay rumors. Any girl deserves better.

So if I were you, I’d just wait until the right girl comes along, one who you’ll love, rumors be damned, and let the truth speak for itself, without you lifting a finger to aid it.

People will talk, whether we like it or not, true or not, malicious or not, and trying to control that is an exercise in futility. Let them speak what they will, for it speaks more of them than it does of you. Let it be their karma cargo, not yours. If you know who you are, it will shine through no matter what anyone else says. Despite the chorus of dissent, the truth will find a way to ring out.

DELAMAR SAYS…

For heaven’s sake, NO. March to the beat of your own drum. Stand in your truth for all that you are. The truth is you don’t have anybody right now. Why deny something that is true?

Worse, why go through all the trouble of getting a girlfriend for other people’s sake? Doesn’t that sound like a crazy idea to you?

Look, you don’t have to detail your life to everybody. You do not have to justify your decisions to people around you. If you are not yet in love or you’re not particularly attracted to someone then don’t get into a relationship just for other people. You will court disaster when you do something like that.

First off, you don’t really love the person so it will feel like you are being forced into a situation. And pressure or any kind of forcing does not foster love. If anything, it kills it. Love comes and goes by its own will. So getting a girlfriend just for the sole reason of making people stop bugging you about your sexuality is a way of using someone who might actually fall in love with you. And if she ever finds out that you don’t really love her but more like she’s an accessory in your life, well you would’ve hurt another human being needlessly.

Besides, if people ever find out that you got a girl just to prove them wrong about being gay it won’t make them stop believing that. If anything, they will be all the more suspicious because it’s a common thing for many gay men who are afraid of their own sexuality to use women as decoys. If they are convinced one way or the other, whether that you are gay or straight, there isn’t much that you can do to prove or disprove it. Besides, why do you need to convince other people of a truth that you already know? It’s their problem if they choose to believe what they want to believe.

Look, we don’t need to say too many things. Stick to the truth, whatever that maybe. If the truth is that right now you don’t have anyone in particular that you want to be in a relationship with, then DON’T get into a relationship. If the truth is that you don’t want anything to distract you from your career in these early years of your professional life, then DON’T.

If the truth is that you are gay, or straight, or a bachelor, or whatever, then stand in it with no apologies to anyone. Other people will judge you. You will judge other people as well. But in the end, you live your life for yourself.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)