DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years last February, and I felt so lonely that I ended up becoming textmates with my best friend’s future cousin-in-law. He had also broken up with his girlfriend, and I guess having gone through the same trauma made us comfortable with each other.

We talked 24/7, he constantly called me up, and we were even making plans for a first date. Although we had both decided to take things slow, after that first date it really felt like it would be inevitable that we would end up in a relationship. We agreed to work it out to avoid our past traumas. He even told me he was grateful to have me in his life.

But two days after, I got a call from his ex-girlfriend telling me that the guy was begging her for another chance. I confronted the guy about it and he apologized for his ex-girlfriend’s actions. We decided to go out on another date, but the day before our date I got another call from his ex-girlfriend, where she told me that the guy told her I was the kind of girl no guy would be proud of. I could hear them fighting in the background.

I was hurt by the fact that the guy denied me. We managed to talk and cleared things up and now we’re back in each other’s arms.

But while I don’t regret doing it, he changed a lot afterwards -- he wouldn’t even text me. So before losing what remaining pride I had, I freed him from our “relationship”. He apologized for what he did to me and thanked me for the goodness I showed him, saying that he wanted to pay me back sometime.

But even after everything that happened, his ex-girlfriend still haunts me, attacking me on Facebook
and Friendster. I want to talk to the guy personally to clear my mind. Why can’t he stop that girl from doing all these things? Should I do it? We will be seeing each other again during the wedding of my best friend’s cousin, where we’ll both be sponsors. –Ashley

CHICO SAYS…

Again, since most letters we answer is only ONE version of at least two, I always start any reply with, “If your version of the story is an accurate one,” then this guys sounds like a bad idea. Not necessarily a bad person, but a bad idea.

First, he can’t seem to control his ex-girlfriend’s temper tantrums. Obviously you can’t fault him for the faults of others, but at the very least he should feel responsible for the trauma you’re undergoing because he is at the root of the conflict between you two girls. He should at least try to protect you as much as he can from the damage his ex is inflicting.

But the way you retold your version, he seems powerless and ineffectual against his woman scorned. Whatever is going on between them is between them. It should NOT have involved you, because although you have some romance brewing with him, that’s her beef with him, not you. And that said, he should’ve stepped up in trying to insulate you against his ex’s wrath as much as he could. He should’ve fixed what needed fixing before he got into a relationship with you.

But for me, what’s worse was his behavior after he got what he wanted. He stopped seeing you, stopped communicating with you, because he got the candy, so now he wants to throw the wrapper away. What a cad. And when you let him off the hook, he was just so glad to quickly agree and praise you for your “goodness”.

In my opinion, he got off easy. I guess that’s the awful part. In this equation, of the three people involved, he has the most to answer for. Yet, he seems to be the one who gets off the easiest. I’m not saying it’s the best option, but if I were in your shoes, the faster you get both people out of your life’s bloodstream, the better it is for you in the long run. Eventually the ex from hell will get tired of pestering you online, and once she no longer sees you as a threat, the attacks will peter out.

As for the guy, he seems glad to have been released so why invite someone back in when they don’t want to? What’s the use of involving him again, when you’ve already proven that he’s inutile against the rage of typhoon ex-girlfriend?

And once you get him involved again, that will only fan the flames of an already possessive harridan and she could step up the intensity of the attacks all over again. I don’t like the idea of letting both people get away with extremely bad behavior, but when it comes to people you can’t reasonably reason with, I’ve learned that distance is the best cure for these emotional viruses that plague our lives.

DELAMAR SAYS…

Sure, you can talk to him and tell him what’s happening but to be totally honest, I don’t know if you can trust this man’s word. At all! With his actions and with the girl around making such a fuss, you have to ask yourself, “What is this guy not telling me?” When the girl called you, you even heard him in the background fighting with the girl. That means that they are still seeing each other. If so, why is he then still coming around you?

I am making a snap judgment here, granting I don’t know anything else except what you have shared in your letter; I think this man’s word is not worth much. He seems to me, just based on your letter, someone who likes to have more than one girl in his life. Why was he with her on the day of your date? What are they still doing hanging out? You heard him fighting with his ex-girlfriend.

That means they were physically together.

Also, if she is truly an ex, she would not have the gall to make that phone call with him around because he can always tell her off because they are not in a relationship anymore. I don’t know exactly what is going on between them but this much is obvious: they are not yet really totally finished with each other.

Whatever business there is between them it seems it is still on. And if that is the case, then you are now involved in a big mess between ex lovers. Breaking up is hard to do anyway but when you factor in another party to the equation it is going to get really ugly. Hence all this hell this girl is putting you through.

I know that whatever she is saying on the Internet about is unethical and downright ugly. This kind of behavior fuels the saying -- hell hath no fury than a woman scorned. However, I do have to tell you that you do have some part in all this. You still slept with him knowing what you know. You knew about this ex-girlfriend’s presence in his life. And although he probably denied they are an item anymore he was still with her when she called you on the day of your first date. And why would this girl tell you that he is asking for another chance? If she were going to lie to you I think she would use some other kind of lie not this one.

Here’s what I THINK went down, and this is just my guess: their relationship was probably in trouble. They were rocky but not entirely broken up. And then you came into the picture. He wanted his chance with you. The ex found out and decided to fight for her already troubled relationship by attacking you and not the bigger culprit -- the guy! Still he was able to get it on with you and although it didn’t work out, largely because HIS actions towards you changed drastically not because you changed, he got what he wanted. I mean, do you really think a trust worthy man would just drop you like that after you slept with each other. Don’t you think a decent man would have explained his behavior? And you didn’t even get to ask him why he suddenly changed. He didn’t explain at all to you what the reason for that was which I believe he owed you. The way I see it, this guy’s a player. And he played you well. I mean he even got away with not explaining himself and the change after you slept with each other. Lucky for him, you went quietly into oblivion and didn’t behave like the ex who raised and is still raising hell.

So, after having said all that, what can you ask a man whose word you can’t trust anyway? You can ask him to help you by asking the ex to stop attacking you but when he says he will talk to her, can you believe his words? His actions? Or anything about him? So, if you still want to try or maybe still believe him then go and talk to him. But as far as being able to rely on this guy’s promises, I’d be wary if I were you.

As for the ex, let her do what she is doing unless you can do something legal about it like suing her for defamation or something. Otherwise, let her be. It only shows how troubled and how unhappy she is and who can blame her? The man she probably still loves just slept with another woman! Keep mum and don’t get sucked into a level that would be downright ugly. Just be happy that you are done with him and hopefully…eventually of her too.

Finally, may I say that you do have to take some responsibility in this whole situation? You still slept with him even when you knew that there is some unfinished business with his ex. I don’t know if you should readily believe the ex but you should have already been able to deduce that they are NOT really done with each other yet. Whether she just can’t let go of him or he is lying to her, what is obvious
is they are still in contact and still hang out together. For an ex he is still very much around her and she is very much around him. That should have told you they are still in the middle of something. But still you chose to sleep with him. So, in a way, you have some responsibility in this whole situation you find yourself.

Steer clear of men who are in the middle of a break up. Let them finish their dealings with their exes before they start courting or coming around another woman. Let a man be totally free when he presents himself to you as a romantic potential. It is just proper. It saves you from coming into the middle of people who might otherwise still be able to still save their relationship.

In my opinion, before you enter the picture, you have to know that this man is totally free with no more baggage or unfinished business. And although he might have said he is single and free there were so many signs that he wasn’t. Let his past relationship play out till the end before entertaining him in a romantic capacity. You will need their ending to know if there can be a new beginning with you.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)