Law of gravity.  Algebraic formulas grammar guides. Theorems in geometry.  These are some things we typically learn in school.

But what about rules of friendship? No one ever gave me a formal discourse on this. Sure, our parents and teachers gave us life principles on how to relate to other people but I don’t recall ever listening to a lecture on the rules of friendship in a classroom. Just like in family relationships, friendship is a life practice usually classified under the “learn-as-you-live-it” category. There seemed to be an unwritten code that everyone was expected to be aware of. But no formal training offered.

What are the rules of friendship? Individuals have different sets of rules. The focus varies per developmental level. If you survey kids from tots, teens, adults to the elderly, they will give a different weight of importance on universal values that reflect their current psychological and emotional state.

The foundation of friendship is love. Sounds easy, but it’s not. Love needs to be translated in practical, doable connections relevant per developmental level so that one can weave positive friendships.

The special focus of this article is preschool friendship. This is the trickiest but the most foundational. If you train your child right early in life, forging friendships will hopefully be easier in the succeeding stages, which would just require a few more adjustments. Psychologists claim that personality is set by age seven. So, if the child does not have a good foundational training and experience in the first six years of life, he is almost set in his ways, unless he dramatically does a major shift and transformation which is also very much possible.

Friendship is so abstract. If you teach your child concepts ahead of time, he may not be able to relate to it. At this stage, your child needs to concretize the abstract. He needs experiential learning. However, if you don’t prepare your child, how will he know how to behave or react appropriately when needed?

I have two solutions for you.  First, do pretend play.  Play is the language of the child. It is spruced with so much humor but the scenarios are reality based. You need to act out certain relevant scenarios and model to the child how to respond. You can present the good and the bad and ask them the better choice. In this manner, you can even spot which child is able to choose wisely.

Your script content would be the everyday events that can possibly happen to your child, and the approach is love, of course. Use a gentle and calm voice.

Equip the children with ‘power’ words and expressions. I call them ‘power’ words because the child has a developing (very fragile) ego and they need to feel empowered and in control when situations threaten to break them. Let them be their own hero to save themselves. You know how they like emulating super heroes. This has a psychological connection to their development. Everyone likes a hero. They need to like themselves before they like others too. It makes them likable.

Scenario 1: A child unintentionally hits a playmate. Typically, the playmate will be upset because their mental faculties are not yet sophisticated. Their reactive emotions are easily affected on the here and now.  They are not able to empathize yet and understand possibilities. What they see, affects what they feel. So, what do you do? Pretend play:

Child 1: “Excuse me, you hurt me.” Child 2: “Oh! Sorry.” Then move away a bit so there is bigger space to play.

Scenario 2: A child intentionally says a hurtful remark to his playmate. The aggrieved has some options. First part of the response can be something like, “I’m sorry, that is not nice to say.” Or “I’m sorry; I don’t like what you are saying.” Or simply, “Be nice.” The second part would be, “Please control your tongue. I can’t play with you if you hurt me.”

Give the playmate option to play with someone else when someone is not able to control his/her tongue. That child would need tongue control exercises, which would require another set of play exercises (in adult parlance, discipline).

Children love to play. Usually, they are willing to compromise just so they can continue to play. Children who have consistent negative behavior need to be evaluated and assessed. Hurt children hurt others.

Typically, very young children do not have a mean streak in them unless they have absorbed or seen such meanness in another environment. They normally pick up expressions from family, friends and media. They need to be corrected nicely. If you correct them strictly, they will be strict with others too. Remember, they are absorbing you. Be loving and friendly if you want them to be loving and friendly.

Even if children do pretend play friendship lessons, they will tend to forget and still feel outraged. They may not know what to do when the situation arises. That is why they need to be trained to tell or call you when it happens. Then that is the time you remind them. You need to prepare them repeatedly and yet, when it happens, encourage and remind them what to do. Empower them with what they know and encourage them to do it. Eventually, it will naturally gel into their system and develop their personality positively.

Recently, I was meeting with some friends in the park. They were two teachers like me.  As we were talking, it happened. A child got upset with another child  because he kept getting hit (unintentionally) by swinging arms. “Mom, he is hurting me!” My friend calmly reminded her son, “What will you do? Use your 'power' words.” She didn’t move an inch but smiled and looked at her son. Her son had a blank stare momentarily. Then it hit him. He remembered what to do. He spoke gently to his playmate. His playmate nodded in agreement. And then, it happened again. Twice he got hit. He was really getting upset and he called out his mom again. His mom told him, “What are you going to do if you keep getting hit?” The boy moved a few inches away so there was enough space.

It’s amazing how kids bounce back. They are actually very teachable at this stage. This is the best time to learn human interaction. I commended my fellow teacher. We are so alike in our child-training practices. I wish all moms are like her.

The reason why there are so many conflicts in society today is because adults do not really focus on the importance on learning how to relate well.

I didn’t forget solution two. It’s a secret! Nah! Just kidding. I’ll tell you next month.

Practice your pretend plays. It should be fun.