DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I have a boyfriend of three years now and he’s really nice, caring, and loving.

But recently we argued about his elder sister.

They were only two children in their family and unfortunately I never got any chance to be friends with her. In fact, my boyfriend was hesitant to introduce me to his sister during our first months. His reason was I might not like her attitude.

When I finally met her, we were civil with each other. I won’t even go to their house whenever she’s around. Not that I don’t want to extend my friendship with her, but I just feel that she doesn’t like me that much.

Two days ago, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. Suddenly I heard his sister on the background calling him saying: “Go inside your room now! Hurry up! Go inside!” She sounded really mad when we weren’t even burning the lines. I felt insulted because she yelled like that even though she knew her brother was speaking with somebody on the phone. I could sense that she knew it was me on the other end. She did it again after some minutes, so I decided to end our conversation.

I talked to him the next day and told him how I felt. I told him that maybe he needs to talk to his sister, but he just shrugged it off, saying that we should not mind his sister, and that he couldn’t do anything about her attitude. I got disappointed with his response. It made me feel that it’s ok with him what his sister did to me, to us.

I don’t know what to do. It’s just his sister that I’m having trouble in pleasing. His parents are both nice to me. This is not the first time she made me feel “nabastos”. But I can’t approach her. I can see that this will be a point of contention between my boyfriend and me. What should I do? I don’t want our relationship to end just because of her attitude. -Kathy

CHICO SAYS...

There are two sides to this double-edged sword.

First, is the idea that your boyfriend’s sister has been a longtime cross that your brother has had to bear on his shoulders. Maybe she’s a little disturbed, a little insane, a little imbalanced, we don’t know. Maybe the reason he shrugs it off is the fact that he’s lived with such craziness for so long, all these years, that he’s learned to shut it out, everytime it rears its ugly head. Maybe he’s learned to not face the problem because he’s come to believe that it’s too herculean a task to fix with a mere heart-to-heart talk, or other “normal” means.

In some cases, there are things that come with a potential partner in life that you just have to accept, part and parcel of the whole package, not really to remove nor to change, but to accept as is. In some cases it’s a crazy family member, in others it’s a financially dependent family. Each person comes with very individual “baggage”. Maybe in your case, it’s an obnoxious, slightly off, sister-in-law who hates your guts.

The other edge is the fact that you already feel emotionally manhandled by his sister. Your boyfriend also should realize that just because he’s already gotten used to her abrasiveness, doesn’t mean you should too. There’s a certain point that is reached, when a certain modicum of chivalry should kick in, and you say, “Wait a minute, you’re beginning to hurt the woman I love, and I won’t stand for it!”

Of course we don’t know the dynamics between them, because he may be pushed around as well by the sister, given that she has the power to banish him to his room against his free will. Maybe he can’t stand up for you, mainly because he can’t even stand up for himself. Some family members ensconce themselves in seats of power in the family totem pole so firmly, that dissension from those lower in the pecking order is unprecedented.

So what do you do: accept the gorgon of a sister-in-law as part of the package and swallow every bitter abuse she shoves down your throat for the sake of staying with the man you love, or do you give your hapless boyfriend an ultimatum: to either stand up for you or you’re out the door?

That, as the cliches of the world will chorus, is all up to you.

Some will eat broken glass for the sake of the one they love, while others, who have healthier self-esteems, will probably stand up for number one.

Personally, I wouldn’t put up with bad behavior even if it comes courtesy of my loved one’s revered sacred cows.

I don’t care what esteemed role this person plays in my loved one’s life, if I already feel violated, I will expect to be defended, as I am fully ready to defend, in return, from any attack, regardless as well of the source. I don’t ask what I’m not ready to provide myself.

In a relationship, I expect a partnership.

I take care of you, you take care of me. There will be other people in the mix, but the most basic ingredient is us two.

In the words of Sister Stella L, “Kung hindi tayo, sino?” If you can’t count on each other, then fuggedaboutit.

DELAMAR SAYS...

My advice? Don’t force it. If you don’t get along then so be it. If she doesn’t like you, so be it. If she wants to be difficult, then so be it.

You can’t be a friend or be close to everybody. Sure, it would be nice if that were possible but it isn’t. So when you encounter people that you know you just won’t be chummy with, accept it and let it go. Don’t force the issue. You don’t have to.

You have heard of the saying that goes, “You can’t please everyone”, right? Well, that’s a saying because it is true and it is a reality.

Give her her due. Be civil. Be polite. I know this is hard especially when it’s a person who is making your life difficult but give every man his due. Acknowledge her with a nod and a smile sincerely when you see her but nothing beyond that. Just give her the respect you would give any other human being wholeheartedly. Don’t be polite but with clenched teeth. Be polite with sincerity. But! Beyond the civility of everyday living don’t bend backwards to gain her approval because that’s exactly what she wants. She wants to flex her muscle around you to show you who is the boss. And the more you give in to this lady the more she will act unreasonable.

So just cool it. No pressure to like her or to be liked by her. No need to make her an issue in your relationship with your boyfriend because she doesn’t have to be. Don’t force your boyfriend to take sides or to stand up for you. You can tell him how you feel but don’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Otherwise, you will be just like his sister who seems to like bullying him. That’s her role in his life not yours. You’re the one who loves and supports him not the bully in his life.

Don’t invest too much time and attention on this difficult sister. When you hate someone let’s face it, you give him or her time and attention. You have done exactly that by writing this letter, by getting angry, by letting her issues contaminate you. Acknowledge that she is a difficult person that you have to deal with but beyond that don’t give her any more of your time, energy and attention. Instead give all those to the people who are being nice to you.

Look, there are three people in that family who are being kind and welcoming to you. Why don’t you give them the time, attention and affection?

Why would one difficult family member outweigh all the others? And why would you leave a boyfriend you love because of an annoying sister?

Doesn’t seem smart, right?

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)