DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

While I am not a single mother, it sure feels like it, as my husband is usually out of the picture and only seems to be around whenever our six-year-old son has won an award in school.

But I honestly don’t mind; despite the situation, my son is doing very well in school and I am able to provide for him, even if it stresses me out. Sure, I sometimes feel like a helping hand would be great, but I am able to balance my work life and my family life and that is enough for me.

My problem is my co-workers. Of course, they know all about my situation, and often they will comment that they think of me whenever they have a bad day because they say “They could have it so much worse.”

Maybe it’s their way of complimenting me on keeping it together, but there are times when it really feels derogatory. Should I see this as them complimenting my strength, or should I speak up the next time they make those comments and tell them that it makes me feel bad? – TINA

CHICO SAYS…

Of course you can sound off if your feelings are being trampled on, however unwittingly. It doesn’t have to be an awkward, cricket-inducing telling off. You can actually do it in a semi-humorous manner like, “Aray, bumusina naman kayo” or something like that. The delivery will have a lot to do with how light the rebuke will come off.

But if you start ouch-ing everytime they get careless with their comments, unless they’re extremely insensitive, I think they’ll get the point, no matter how subtle the delivery. Just try not to retaliate because it sinks the argument to a level that’s bound to turn ugly. Don’t give them a dose of their own medicine because you just did that which hurt you in the first place. Don’t say stuff like, “Just when I feel so ugly, I see you and how much worse off you are, then I feel much better!”

Of course that’s what they do to you in a nutshell, but revenge was never the best tool to help people learn the folly of their ways. Like you said, they probably don’t mean to wound, in fact they probably formulated it originally as a compliment; they’re just tactless.

At the very least, don’t brush it off with a courteous smile. If they say it again, show your hurt even just by a change in expression. Sometimes it’s enough to signal that what was said offended.

There’s nothing wrong with letting people know that what they do or say hurts you. They’ll be better people for it. And in the end, try and practice not letting what other people think affect you as much. A tall order, I know, but if you’re happy with who you are, to hell with what other people think. As long as you know that you’re doing well by your kid, and that you’re standing practically as the sole guardian and doing an excellent job, let the naysayers neigh all they want.

Let the affirmation come from the knowledge that you’re doing what you feel is right, and not from people who shoot their mouths off before thinking.

DELAMAR SAYS…

I think it might be that you have become their standard of strength. They see you as someone who is able to make do even under the difficult circumstances of your situation.

Nevertheless, it hurts sometimes when you see that they cannot see that you are just doing your best and that a little empathy towards your direction actually can help buoy up your spirit. I think there might be some insensitivity on their part as it isn’t about how strong they see you. The part that becomes annoying is that you sense more a tinge of my-situation-is better-than-hers-kind-of-attitude.

My advice is: next time they say that to you again, say something about how you truly feel. Put it tactfully, whether you want to say that it hurts when people say that or you want to say that it is starting to feel like people are not seeing how heavy a load you are carrying or even how it feels like they are insensitive to your feelings. Whatever it is you are feeling at the time express it. But express it tactfully. Find the words that will express how you feel, not just the anger.

If they don’t see that their comments are starting to bother you, then it is time to ignore them. Whatever it is they feel about your situation, good or bad, is not really important to what you have to do. It is just peripheral to the main point, which is that you have to keep it together for yourself and your child.

Don’t focus your energy and attention on these people and their comments more than you have to. If they cannot feel empathy for you then disengage and let your silence speak for itself. After all, when you have said your piece and they still do not want to listen, there is nothing left to do. You can choose to engage in saying biting words and have a fight between you and them but that is highly unwise since that will just drain you of energy which you can instead focus on the more important task at hand — to be able to live your life no matter how difficult the situation is.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)