Dear Ms. Dawn,

Good day! I am glad to have read your article about taming and handling toddlers. My mom showed me your previous articles because she knows that my 4-year old daughter is my biggest challenge. She loves to deliberately do stuff that I disagree with. It infuriates me a lot.

I am a working Mom and I always hear complaints from my family and relatives when she stays in their house to play. She’s got a habit of opening drawers and closets and getting things inside to hide them someplace else. Maybe it is okay if the things are not important but what if she hides important keys or jewelry that she came across with?  That scares me. And the scariest part is, sometimes she cannot remember where she put them. I have already reprimanded her lots of times because I don’t like her to acquire that bad habit. (She has been doing that since she started walking!) I told her that since she’s still young, she can get away with her behavior but asked her: what if her bad habits stayed until she’s old? Then, people will accuse her of stealing.

Actually, it is already becoming a joke. When somebody lost something and couldn’t find it, they will just make a joke that maybe my little girl took it. I’m so ashamed of her bad behavior. Please help! Thank you very much!

Sincerely yours,
Ellen Co

You are right. No conscientious parent will ever want their kids to grow up having peers name-calling them ‘klepto’ or ‘itchy hands.’ And it is only right that you teach your daughter how to rid herself off that bad habit of touching other people’s things. More than the fact that it causes you a lot of stress and embarrassment, she will also eventually carry the brunt of the consequences of this bad behavior. It could be tolerable while she is just a toddler, but beyond that, the problem will no longer sit well with most grown-ups. And well, the fingers will always point to the parents who reared the child.

Take heart, Ellen. I, too, have an almost 4-year-old boy (turning 4 on Monday, October 19) that has become quite a challenge lately for me and my husband. So, I have also seen a lot of funny and not-so-nice habits that I would like to curb. You are your daughter’s best teacher and from my past experiences with my son Jacobo, nipping bad habits in the bud is a sure fire way to avoid bigger problems later on. Bad habits like this one should be attended to immediately and I mean from the get-go – the very first moment it has been committed. I never wait for a second time.

When Jacobo was just a year old, the moment he would pick up a breakable object, whether it is in our home or in the homes of other people, I would catch him in the act and gently lecture him on how doing such things are considered “bad manners.” Repeat this again and again for every instance the act is committed. I also got his yaya and everyone at home into disciplining him. So they are all watching him and reminding him about the rules.

Don’t limit the lecture to only breakable pieces. Go as far as telling your daughter that picking up the toys of other children without asking is also crude. This is the only way a young child will be able to retain the lesson in her head – through constant guidance. By the time my son was 3 years old, I would reprimand him with: “You know better than that.” I believe that it’s all a matter of how we wire information into a child’s mind. If they are taught very early on about what is right from wrong, what is good against what is bad manners, then it becomes automatic when we communicate with them.

I am pleased to say that today all it takes is just one stern look on my face for Jacobo to follow and gently put an object down and walk away from it (which by the way, I’ve found, is a useful method to get accustomed to especially in circumstances when you can’t speak out loud like in church or in public places like the doctor’s office). And he knows that even if I am not around, I can still see him. His yaya is properly briefed about being on the look out for such bad behavior when they are together. I make sure I get a report from her every time they come home from a playdate at a friend’s house. I tell his yaya that I will hold her accountable for his nasty actions.

I have also gone as far as to inform friends, relatives or whoever Jacobo is to be spending the time with, that we do not tolerate bad behaviors at home. And I give them the freedom to correct or scold him if he should commit such ‘crimes’ while in their presence.

You no longer need to feel ashamed of your daughter’s innocent acts. All you need to do is take her aside each time to teach her the standards that the world expects from every person and child for that matter. If you fail on getting through to her the first time, be persistent. Because the sooner you help her rein in her urge to act poorly, the better and easier it will be for both of you later on when the bigger challenges arise.