DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

My boyfriend of a few years and I just recently broke up, and while we didn’t hate each other after the break up, it wasn’t what you would call an amicable one either. There were some things that were said that should not have been said, and it may take some months before the two of us can be completely comfortable around each other again.

But one thing that does worry me right now is that I won’t get to spend as much time with his mother. She was always kind and friendly to me. I want to reach out to her and thank her for her friendship and relay my desire to remain friends with her even if my relationship with her son has ended.

My problem is whether doing something like this, so close after our break up, is even appropriate at all. For one thing, I don’t know yet what my boyfriend has told her about our break up. Does contacting
her now make it look like I’m making her choose between her son and me? Should I consider myself
“broken up” with her as well? - GABRIELA

CHICO SAYS...

The first thing that popped into my head while I was reading your letter was Jennifer Aniston. She actually remained very good friends with Brad Pitt’s mom way after they were divorced. They would see each other, go out, have lunch, like two amigas having fun. If you were to believe the tabloid reports, it’s a sore spot for Angelina Jolie, knowing that her husband’s mom is fraternizing with his ex-wife.

Personally, I don’t believe in cutting ties with everyone associated with someone you broke up with. What didn’t work was your relationship with him. If you made genuine connections because of him, then breaking up with him doesn’t mean you need to end those too.

But timing has a lot to do with the propriety of your actions. Of course when the rending apart is fresh, maybe it’s not such a good idea yet to seek out his mom. True, he could misrepresent you when he tells her his version of the story, but then that’s his option. You have the option to tell your version as well. He doesn’t have the chance to address some facts of your story that he disagrees with as well.

Of course the simplest, cleanest way to deal with it is to break up with his family as well. Not that you’ll be enemies, but to help each other move on, and help usher in the next players in the game. But if his mom is really important to you, then it is your prerogative to seek out an audience with her.

True, most people will find that an uncomfortable thought, but it’s your right. Most people frown on this only because some people use this to stay entrenched in their ex’s life, extending the connection between them long after their union was cut.

If I were you, I’d fix the closure between you and your ex first. If you can truly say that you guys have closure, that no words have been left unsaid, and all’s well between you, only then can you say you’re ready to be friends again. And once you’re genuinely friends again, maybe that’s the best time to touch base with the mom again. Because if you were to talk to her now, there’s a risk for you to present a different version of the story to her. It might degenerate into using her as a battlefield as to who wronged who.

Your ex might just accuse you of getting in touch with her just to make him look bad. Besides, between your version and her own son’s version, which story do you think a mother will believe? So fix first whatever’s left of your relationship with your ex, whether or not it’s only as a friend. Only then can you mend your relationships with his loved ones.

DELAMAR SAYS...

Wait for some time to pass before you re-establish your relationship with the mother of your ex. At this point, you have to let the dust settle. Let the break-up settle and for everyone to just get used to this big thing that just happened.

Also, at the this point it isn’t really the most important thing for you to assert your relationship with his mother. Let’s face it, even your motives are questionable. So fresh from the break-up it would be strange to hang out and be so chummy with her. What, act like nothing happened? You would have to admit that that cannot be appropriate, right? Continuing as if nothing happened even if she also wanted it, is not really considerate of the feelings of your ex and her son.

Some distance has to be achieved. She is after all the mother of your ex. She loves him and cares enough to want her son to recover from a romantic hurt. And carrying on with you like nothing happened is not a very motherly thing to do.

Wait, is what I say. After sometime has passed maybe you can call her or text her or just send her a card every now and then during special occasions. If she is inclined to continue her close relationship with you then she will respond to your feelers.

In other words, eventually after the initial fall-out of the break up has unfolded and everyone involved has moved on maybe it will be more possible to continue what you had with your ex’s mom. You will have to throw the ball into her court and then wait if she throws it back to you. If she does, then it is a sign that it is okay with her to pursue your relationship with each other no matter if the relationship with her son has ended.

There should be no pressure to make it all happen now. If anything that kind of pressure comes from a place in your heart where you want to prove to your ex that although he has broken up with you, you still have his mother. That is a statement that wants to prove something to him. And you don’t want to make a person some sort of battleground. If you should want to be close to her it should be because you really like her, not because it is some sort of point for you to have still have her even after the break-up.

Just a warning, also take into consideration in the course of wanting to still be close to her that at some point when your ex starts to have a relationship with another girl make sure that you steer clear of it. It shouldn’t matter to you if he is going out or not with another, if there is a new girlfriend or none, or if the mother likes the new girl or not. Should you feel any of those, then you know that you are not in it just to be close to this woman but that there is still some part of you that still wants in on your ex’s life. Just a warning, that’s all.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)