DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

Our household help left a few months ago. Since me and my sister are both working and we don’t have time to do the chores in the house, my mom decided to hire her older sister to do the job and to also help her family financially. My aunt willingly took the offer knowing that she would get more than what we usually give to a household help. My mom thought it would be best too to have someone we can trust around the house.

My parents are working abroad so it’s just me and my sister in the house. My aunt goes to the house in the morning before my sister and I leave for work, and leaves just as soon as one of us arrives. My aunt’s first few weeks were pretty ok. She did everything, cleaned the house, laundry, and even cooks us dinner.

But lately the house hasn’t been well-maintained. I learned from the neighbor that she leaves the house around lunch time and only comes back late in the afternoon. I’ve been wanting to talk to her about it, how she hasn’t been doing her job in the house, but I don’t know how. She’s still family. I’m worried too that if I tell my mom about it and she talks to her, my aunt might spill things like, my younger sister smokes cigarettes or I let my boyfriend sleepover in the house. What shall I do? – Lala

CHICO SAYS…

I could have told you from the very start that this was a bad idea to begin with. Even the strongest family bonds are stretched to its limits and sometimes strained beyond repair once you get money into the stew. Even within the nuclear family, mixing financial agreements could be a tricky act to juggle, what more if it involves extended family? What makes it delicate is precisely because they are family. How do you tell your own flesh and blood that he or she is doing a crappy job? It’s hard enough to do this to a regular employee, imagine how it would be to say it to an aunt or a sister?

And what makes it extra extra difficult, is the fact that your proof of her incompetence is first, subjective, and second, hearsay. It’s subjective because the statement, “she hasn’t been doing her job in the house,” is pretty hard to prove unless it’s spectacularly obvious. You can say she’s not doing her job but she can counter that she does, and neither of you can give empirical, quantifiable proof to support your respective arguments. It’s not like a salesman, who can cite sales figures to back up his claims. It’s hearsay because you can’t accuse someone solely based on something your neighbor told you. I’m not saying it isn’t true, I’m just saying it’s not reliable proof.

As for calling her out on it, I don’t think you can do this without ruffling feathers, hurting feelings, and exchanging words that you both might regret later on. It might end up with her quitting the job, or your mom firing her, or she stays on but there will be an uncomfortable tension between you.

For me, it’s a choice only between keeping her and learning to live with her quirks, or letting her go and exert extra effort to run the household yourselves. I only say this because I’m experiencing the same with our household help. She’s been with us for so long that she’s formed habits that I really find unacceptable. Changing some of the behaviors is almost out of the question.

She is who she is. It boils down to: if we can’t live with her bad behavior, then we should fire her; but if we can’t live without her services, then we should learn to live with the whole package, annoying habits included. If you can still fix it, then give it a go. But if not, ask yourselves what’s more important, a well-maintained house or keeping the peace?

DELAMAR SAYS...

Tell your mom what’s been happening to the house. Bring up that things have not been well maintained lately and then also what the neighbors say. More than this is about you and what your sister do that might not be approved by your parents, this is about someone not doing what they are being paid to do -- CLEAN AND KEEP HOUSE.

Pretend she wasn’t your aunt and that she was just someone hired to clean the house. If your parents hear of an employee not doing their job, which they are being paid to do, they will say or do something about it. It is just what should be done under these circumstances.

Well, your aunt has some dirt (no pun intended) on you and your sister. Although that HAS NO and SHOULDN’T HAVE ANY bearing on her performance in her job, yes, to save her butt she just might squeal on you and your sister. What she will gain out of that?

Well for one should she use what she knows against you, your parents could actually keep her there to make sure you guys don’t do what you are already doing. The problem is if you don’t tell them and she tells them anyway, anything you will say after that, regarding her non-performance of her duties, will sound more like a retaliation than it is a statement of fact. And if that ever happens, not only will you have a home that is not clean and well kept you will also be stuck with someone whom you don’t trust and/or like.

Should you tell your parents now about your aunt and they believe you, you will probably just hire another person to come and clean for you. If that’s the case, although the new maid could still squeal on you, at least, hopefully, your house will be well maintained.

For me, the point is this: the hired help is not doing what she is contracted to do. Whoever it is, aunt or not, there is still a breach of contract. If she isn’t doing her end of the deal, what else is she being paid to do?

I understand that this is your aunt and that is certainly one of the disadvantages of hiring someone you are related too -- it just gets complicated. You can’t just fire them like an ordinary employee. You need to do damage control of feelings, etc. What should just be about not cleaning will become about personalities and will turn into one whole big family drama.

I would normally ask you to talk to her directly to address the not cleaning and leaving the house during lunchtime. But the problem there is that she is your aunt. In the family dynamics she is still to be addressed with respect and deference because she is older. The hard part there though is that she isn’t doing her job as hired help. How does one address the issue without the aunt resenting being told off by someone who is ‘just’ her niece? And the contract is between your aunt and your mom. If she were an ordinary household help there will be no qualms about you telling her she’s been found out. Her being your aunt makes the handling of all this very tricky.

The only thing I see here that you can do are two things: either put up with your aunt’s behavior, keep your own secrets but you might have to do the chores around the house for yourself.

Or, you could tell your parents and IF your aunt decides to squeal on you, then live with the consequences of what your parents will do to you. That could end up with them getting a new household help or keeping your aunt there anyway as their eyes and ears to what their children are doing when they are away.

I’m not sure what is more appealing to you but those are the choices. If you value your secrets more than a clean house then don’t rock the boat. If you are bothered that the help is not keeping house properly then go and tell your parents. You just need to do the option whose consequence is easier for you to live with.

Good luck! I just hope you choose well and understand that being an adult has to do with making choices and being able to stand up for these choices and bearing the consequences foreseen and not foreseen.

Whether it is choosing to tell or not tell your parents about your aunt, or whether it is about having your boyfriend sleep over at your house knowing that your parents do not approve, being grown up entails that you know what you are doing and are able to live with the possible repercussions of your own actions. Whatever you choose to do, understand that you will also have to live with the effect of those choices you make.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)