DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

My dad and I haven’t had the best relationship. But I guess unlike most letter senders who write you with daddy problems, it’s not my father who is at fault here. I’m the one who has been a pretty bad son during the time we spent living together.

I guess I started being a pain in the butt when I was 12 years old and my father remarried. My mother had been dead for three years by that time, but I guess I still had trouble accepting the fact that my father was going to be in a relationship with somebody else. I wasn’t exactly the most welcoming stepson, and I was abrasive to both my father and stepmom.

I became even more belligerent when my stepmom had a baby with my dad. I treated them badly, screamed at them on a regular basis, and was pretty much the demon child from hell. I treated them both very badly even though they have never been anything but good parents to me, and I’m pretty sure that when I moved out of the house when I graduated and got a job that they were very happy to see me go.

It’s only now that I’ve been away from them for a few years that I realize how much of a bad seed I was. Maybe it’s because I’ve been taken out of it that I only get to see how good they’ve been to me. And now I totally understand why neither of them are responding to my attempts to get in touch with them and reconnect.

I am thinking of using my relatives as a bridge to start repairing the rift I caused between us, and I sincerely hope that it works. But is this still a good idea, or should I accept the fact that I’ve irreparably
damaged our relationship? Is it wrong for me to reenter his life again? I will accept and understand if he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life any longer, but I still want to give atoning for my mistakes
a chance. –Kiko

CHICO SAYS…

Save for the insurmountable obstacle of death, it’s never too late to mend fences with loved ones. In the same way that you eventually saw beyond your own pain and anger, and realized how unfair you’ve been, given the right amount of time and reasoning, I’m pretty sure they can transcend the past version of you and embrace the new contrite one.

My suggestion is for you to exert as much effort in offering an olive branch, as you did making their lives a living hell. If in the past, you deflected over and over and over again any effort on their part to make peace with you, then be as tenacious in trying to show them your sincerity to salvage whatever’s left of your relationship with them.

Like you said, they’re probably wary of letting you back into their lives again. Maybe you made it so difficult for them that they’re so relieved when you left. Imagine that same hellion working his way back into their already peaceful lives.

Forgive their paranoia in dealing with you. Being their son, you have so much power to hurt them all over again. But of course, on their part, especially your dad, he should also understand that the very root of what caused you to tread that awful path was due to the uncontainable grief that enveloped you when you lost your mother. It’s not because you were evil or you were inherently bad, but you probably weren’t equipped to process such a loss at such an early age. And tall order as it may sounds, it was his job to ferry you through that prickly journey.

Obviously he didn’t do very well, given how badly things turned for the worse. But if he didn’t prepare you better for the tragedy, it was probably because he too, didn’t know how.

There needs to be a lot of healing from both sides, and it won’t be an easy process. Even if say, they agree to give it a second try, it won’t always be smooth sailing. Once old wounds are opened, especially unresolved ones, it could easily turn ugly again. But healing has to begin somewhere, and a clean slate is a good place to start.

If you think intervention by close relatives is the way, then give it a go. I think all they need is an assurance that you’re not out to hurt them again, that your intentions are pure, and that you just want to start over again, if they’ll have you.

You can also explore professional help if you feel the task of threshing out so much pain is too daunting for you three. There are psychologists, therapists, counselors, priests and pastors who are trained to walk people through a process as labyrinthine as this. Continue sending him the energy of forgiveness and hopefully you’ll wear down his resistance and he’ll be sending some your way soon.

DELAMAR SAYS...

My advice: apologize with an open heart.

Blood is thicker than water and if you reach out and say sorry with utmost sincerity and honesty, there is a big chance of forgiveness here. After all, he is your father. He loves you. You are his son. You are family. My gut tells me he will forgive, as parents often do…most especially if you are truly and whole-heartedly remorseful for what you have done and how you have acted in the past towards the whole situation.

So, just say sorry. Say what is in your heart. Say what led you to this realization and the apology you now offer to him AND your stepmother. Don’t forget you need to apologize to her too. You hurt them both after all.

The only thing I would like to say about this whole situation of asking for forgiveness is don’t expect anything in return. Say sorry not because you expect to be forgiven. Say sorry because it is the right thing to do when it occurs to you that you have wronged someone. Whether they forgive you or not, is immaterial.

That is THEIR job. That is THEIR choice. The only obligation you have in this situation is to say sorry. That is in your hands to do. The forgiving is in the other person’s. So, say what you have to say with no expectation. Just do the right thing whether it will benefit you or not.

Oh, I hope you get to do this while your parents are still around to hear it. Because if you never get to ask it and they pass, you will be left with the burden of having wronged the very people who loved you and it would have been too late. No more chance after that. Thank everything that led you to this realization while there is time and opportunity to say the very words that are hard to say especially to those we love, “I’m sorry”. My hope for you is that your father and stepmother hear the words and the earnestness in your heart.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)