DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

My boyfriend and I are friends with another couple. We’ve all known each other since our senior years in high school. My boyfriend and the other guy – let’s call him Desmond – have in fact been friends since they were in elementary.

The four of us get along really well, but recently I’ve begun to notice that the girl – let’s call her Lea – has been trying to take the friendship between me and her to a whole new level, if you know what I mean. I know that girls can be more physically affectionate with each other than guys, but Lea’s touches either linger too long or are too invasive. I’ve remained cordial and not outright accused her, since she hasn’t tried anything really inappropriate.

My problem is that Desmond has apparently noticed his girlfriend’s “fondness” for me and has made efforts to distance himself and Lea from me and my boyfriend. I guess he’s not one of those guys who find the thought of two girls making out is hot. But what really troubles me is that this may mean the end of our friendship, and especially the really long friendship between my boyfriend and Desmond.

I’ve still remained cordial through all that has happened, and try not to think that I may be the reason why my boyfriend may lose one of his oldest friends. Is this the right approach? Is it even right to assume that I’m the reason why they’re distancing themselves, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? What should I do to keep this friendship alive? –Fiona

CHICO SAYS…

First, even if for the sake of argument you are the reason for all this, in a strange way, you still have the least to do with all this.

To be technical about it, if indeed the root of all this discord is Lea’s newfound “fondness” for you, then this is between her and Desmond. You didn’t start it, she did. Besides, you’ve done nothing to feed this predatory behavior. And if because of this Desmond decides to distance themselves from you, then that is between him and your boyfriend. You may be at the bottom of all this, but you had no hand in how the cards have fallen.

Second, sadly, friendships are too often casualties in the pursuit of love. People would obviously sacrifice a friendship if it means saving their relationship. It may or may not prove foolish in the end, but the bottom line is, you save your own sinking ship first before you worry about the other ship...the friend ship (har har).

Lame jokes aside, there should be no guilt on your part because you did nothing to facilitate the falling out. If we must point fingers (which we shouldn’t), the blame should fall squarely on Lea’s shoulders for being frisky with her boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend (whew!). Even if there was no malice on her part, we all have the responsibility to gauge the level of other people’s personal space. What may be wala lang for one person, could already be inappropriate to another. She should have been able to sense the signals from you showing your discomfort at her tactile advances. Body language can be pretty clear, if you only cared to read it. So even if she didn’t mean anything sexual with her touch, she should have been more considerate to assess how you were reacting to it.

As for Desmond, maybe their distancing from you has more to do with hiya on his part, due to his girlfriend’s behavior. Whichever the case may be, as friends, you should respect each other’s decisions to make your own respective calls on the situation. If he deems some space between you as necessary, then respect that. Besides, if you guys are true friends, it’s just a matter of time before this all dies down and you’re back into each other’s lives.

I’ve had fights with close friends that reached epic proportions, complete with swearing never to talk to each other EVER again, only to reconcile down the line, even if it takes years to do so. True friendship is like true love, it won’t be denied, no matter the odds to overcome. Now if the friendship completely ends, just because of some girl-on-girl action, then maybe it just wasn’t strong enough. No crime in that, some things survive, some things don’t. It’s emotional natural selection; only the strongest survive.

DELAMAR SAYS...

In my opinion, you shouldn’t do anything. Nothing at all. Don’t change either way. Just stay the same as you have always been. The problem does not lie with you. Solving it will not be yours to do. ‘Lea’ is the one who’s been overly affectionate and well, the boyfriend ‘Desmond’ noticed.

More than it is a problem for you, the reality is it is a bigger problem for Desmond. You noticed it’s more than just friendly, right? Well, I am sure he is of the same opinion. And it is possible that this episode with you is not the first time he’s seen this with his girlfriend.

Nevertheless, whether it is the first time or not, this is a problem between the two of them to address. Whether it is about him being overly jealous or her being overly affectionate, it is something that THEY need to sort out. You are incidental in this problem. It could have been another girl. Maybe Desmond thinks that he needs to take her away from the situation for himself or maybe he is doing it to avoid offending you. Either way, I am sure that it is not yours to address. Well…until you really start to get bothered by all the lingering touches.

Look, true friendship happens on its own. You can’t will it, you can’t stop it and you can’t stage it. It is either there or it’s not. And sometimes expect that there will be a test that will show you if this is a friendship for now or friendship that will last a lifetime. You can say that events like this can act as a litmus test that will show you if you have the real thing or not. It all depends on how all the people involved respond. In your case though, it is not you who’s got the problem but the other people involved. You will just have to let them make their choices. All you can do is hope that more than drive a wedge to what you already have, whatever is happening strengthens the friendship in the end. But all doing is not yours but theirs to do.

So relax and loosen the grip on the situation a little bit. Breathe. Let the situation unfold without willing it too much to go the direction you want. After all, this is not a business deal, this is a friendship. Let things fall where they may. Just hope for the best.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)