DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR…

My friends have been convincing me for the longest time to get my own place. I’m 29 years old and until now I’m still sharing a room with my two younger siblings in our house. One of the reasons too why my friends are prodding me to get my own place is that, it will open for me romantic relationship opportunities. I’ve never been in a relationship since birth! I have to admit, I can’t really do some stuff if I’m still living with the family. My job pays well and I can actually afford to get my own place, I just don’t want my parents to think that I’m abandoning them because I’m also the breadwinner in the family. What will I do? If ever I finally decide on moving out, how will I explain it to them? – Jose

Chico says...

I never quite understood why here in the Philippines, the only acceptable reason for moving out, is marriage. For many parents, it is an absolute affront for an unmarried offspring, male or female, to move out of the house to live on his or her own. This is as much a lesson for your parents as it is for you.

Inasmuch as you need to find your wings with which you fly off on your own, they too, need to give you room to do so. In the end, it all depends on how badly you want to assert your independence. You are of age, and can technically do whatever you want, as long as it is within the boundaries of the law. It’s not like you want to be a drug runner or start your own prostitute ring, you just want your own space. It’s the Asian blood that runs deep in our veins, where ancestral worship and the adherence to the extended family model beats stronger than we care to admit. It’s like, if you don’t have a family
of your own to support, then support the family you have now. Asians look unkindly on individuals who work only for themselves. What is more correct? None really.

Other countries cut most ties once their children hit the age of 18, while others stick together even if it means having a house full of virgin old maids. There’s no such thing as a “right” way to live, just what you choose to live by. I myself have done many things that I did without permission, for the sole reason that I know it will be denied me. I felt that I needed to make certain important decisions for myself, regardless of how my parents felt, because I was an adult, fully capable of making my own decisions. Yes, and that includes the right to make my own mistakes.

It goes without saying that many of our decisions will prove to be faulty through time, but that doesn’t mean we should let other people make our decisions for us. Making mistakes sometimes is essential to our growth as human beings. So if you feel strongly enough about moving out, just do it. Don’t ask permission in the sense that your decision will depend upon their consent, but more of asking for their blessings for an undertaking that you will push through with, with or without their permission. Moving out is not a crime, and they will have to understand that.

On your part, make sure you still visit them, or maybe help out with some of their financial needs, just so that they realize that you haven’t abandoned them completely. The parents’ first duty is to equip their children with the skills to be able to take care of themselves independently, without any help from anyone.

Their second duty is to let them go once they have acquired those skills. In the animal kingdom, some parents even threaten to kill the offspring that refuses to leave. Don’t mollycoddle your parents, they’re more mature than you think, even when they’re acting like clingy children. In the vernacular: “Malaki na sila, kaya na nila yan.”

DELAMAR SAYS…

Moving out and living on your own is, in my opinion, one of the things that signals that you are really, truly a grown up. It says you can take care of yourself, you can be responsible enough to handle all that living on your own entails and it shows you that you can stand on your own two feet.

If anything, this is the culmination of all the parenting that you have benefited from. You have been raised with the purpose of being able to fend for yourself. And now that you can do it, sure, of course you should do it.

Except that…well, in our culture although we are raised to be independent and self-sufficient by our parents, most parents also have an expectation that their children will carry the responsibility of supporting the family when they are able. That is our culture.

We can argue that a parent’s responsibility is to their children and the children’s responsibility is to their own children when it is their turn but the reality of our culture is we help our family. We live for our families. We do everything mostly for our families, first the family we come from and then for the family we make when we marry. In other words, we never just do things solely for ourselves.

Having said all that, I still think you should do this IF this is what you really want to do but make sure you understand what it entails. When you live on your own the budget that you used to have for your family will now go to your own living expenses. So you will not be able to give as much as you used to, are you sure you can handle that? There might be some guilt that will accompany that decision so make sure you can handle it and process it.

Sit your parents down and explain your decision to move out and live on your own. Be ready for whatever reaction they might have whether that is a positive one or not. If you know what you want, be firm and say that this is your decision and that you will still help out as much as you can afford but that this is something you have decided to do.

For me, the simplest way is the best way to explain your decision. Cut through the chase and say what you have to say. Of course, I don’t mean to say you should be insensitive to how delicate this will be but you do have to also keep your focus and just say things plainly, simply but with the right amount of sensitivity.

Whatever happens just expect that this is and will never really be easy. This transition from child to adult is a bit of a challenge for everyone involved. Parents will not be so nonchalant about having a child go off on their own. I mean, even if you do things by the book and get a girlfriend/boyfriend and you decide to get engaged and get married they will still have difficulty dealing with the separation from you.

Such is the nature of the proverbial cutting of the umbilical cord so expect that there will be hurt or that they will not readily accept your decision so easily. But if you know what you want to do and you’re ready to take a step towards living your own life without abandoning your family, then you have to be firm.

Be sensitive to their feelings but be firm. Think this decision through and then think through it again. When you come to realize that you really want to do it, then go have a talk with your parents.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)