DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I lost my mother to cancer over the holidays, and it goes without saying that it has been a difficult time for me. Nevertheless, I’ve managed not to totally break down, and I feel that I am actually on the track towards acceptance.

What has helped me out has been talking about her, but I’ve noticed that doing this with my friends has often resulted with awkward silences. I’m only in my early 20s and so are most of my friends, and I guess death hasn’t really touched most of our lives like it has so recently done to mine.

It’s not like they aren’t supportive.

It’s just that they have no idea what to say. But I don’t want to edit myself either when we talk about our parents, because talking about my mother has really helped me out.

How do I talk about my mother without making things awkward, or worse, a pity party for me? I just want to keep her memory alive. - Barbra

Chico says...

When my father died years ago, I realized support comes in very different forms. There are those who are very comfortable with putting thoughts into words, and talking to them soothed a grieving heart. Then there are those who don’t have any words of wisdom during tough times, but they’re there nevertheless, giving a quiet kind of comfort, being there in any way that I might have needed them. They may not have had the words, but they gave me their own brand of comfort nevertheless.

Even death aside, during rough patches in life, there are friends with whom I can talk and analyze to shreds the situation, and there are those I just go shopping with to buy gadgets or any type of retail therapy. Both types calm my frazzled nerves, one does it with words, the other does it with company.

I agree, maybe as a product of being young, most of your friends wouldn’t know what to say, mainly because they haven’t gone through it themselves. If they did, then they can share what they went through when it was their turn. Maybe the awkwardness isn’t as bad as you think. Maybe they really just don’t know what to say. You know how sometimes, you don’t want anyone to solve your problems for you? You just want a patient ear to listen willingly to what you have to say. And being able to air out your thoughts is somehow enough. Just because your friends don’t have anything to say, doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear you out. It only becomes awkward if you expect something from them.

As friends, these are the little things we do for each other. To hear each other out even if sometimes it’s boring, sometimes it’s heavy, or sometimes it’s awkward. Friendship isn’t always just about fun and frolic, it also means being there during the down times, and doing things for each other, things that aren’t always fun, but we’d do them anyway because our friends need us.

Let your friends help you out in whatever way they can. Don’t dictate in what form they will give you comfort.

You shouldn’t feel any need to edit when you feel like talking about your mom, inasmuch as your friends shouldn’t feel compelled to be fountains of wisdom when you need words of wisdom. Take a lot of comfort in the fact that you have each other. Knowing that in itself should be a great comfort to anyone. Not everyone is afforded such a luxury.

Delamar says...

Friends can be there in your hour of great grief to lend you an ear or a shoulder to cry on. They can stand by you when you are down. They can offer support when you are not strong enough to carry yourself through the difficult times. However, there is a limit to how much friends can help us. Being able to verbalize your feelings about the loss of your mother is essential if you are to be able to process and work through the pain. However, taken to extreme, talking about your pain too much with friends can become a burden to them, a burden they need not bear.

The truth of the matter is, grief over the loss of a loved one is a burden we carry by ourselves. Much as anyone will want to help us this is work for one. You alone know the connection between you and your mother and so only you can know how much you feel and how much of a loss your mom is to you. Even if you are very close to friends and they are privy to your close relationship with your mom, only YOU will know the full gravity of how it feels to lose her. Even if you have siblings to share the grief with, being able to accept the loss of a parent is an individual task. Our parents have unique relationships with their children and so even if they have many children the pain of each child is unique. In other words, loss and death is a fact of life that we all, INDIVIDUALLY, must go through. As much as you are in pain, there is a limit to how much you can expect your friends to grieve with you. There is a line where it becomes too much for them. They will also go through it with their own parents when the time comes, hopefully not too soon.

Death is not a comfortable topic for most people. And unless your life has been touched by death at some point or another, you would never really know how deep the sadness is at its finality. Making it a recurring topic during barkada moments might not be wise. Make sure you are aware of the difference between sharing your grief and making your grief always the centerpiece of a barkada gathering. At some point you will just have to bear the burden of your loss alone. And that is really the way it is. We all have to do it at some point because death touches all our lives at some point or another. Talk to your closest friends and tell them that talking about your loss to them helps you. Maybe that will make them understand the situation and be willing to be more patient with you. However, if you feel that your loss is already bringing everyone down, be sensitive to know that you have to stop. You have to know and be aware when you must carry your burden alone.

Be strong. There is a way to get to know and live with the pain that has touched us. Death is one of them. And although it is one of the saddest things we need to deal with in this life, it also makes us appreciate the life we still have and those we care about.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)