DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… I have long known the value of friends in my life. In the past, I have solely relied on friends, more than family, for advice and for help with decisions. But one thing I am not is that I do not want to burden my friends with my personal problems. I have always believed that more than anyone, it is only I who can help myself. With God above me, a lot of prayers, and introspection, I keep my personal problems to myself.

Perhaps that is the reason why I have a lot of good friends who trust me enough to confide in me their deepest darkest secrets. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, I am the “person’’ of a lot of people. I am the “run to’’ individual for a lot of people, family included.

However, there are times that I feel I am carrying the burden for a lot of people already, something which I know I shouldn’t be doing.

Like when a friend told me that she was going to get an abortion. I tried my best to persuade her not to, but she still went on with it. or when a friend confessed to me that he was deep in debt because of gambling and that he wanted to loan money from me. or when friends tell me of their infidelity, or of their simple woes about work and relationships.

Maybe because I pray for my friends, maybe because I am such an open person, or maybe because whatever they say goes in one ear and out the other, but I do not get affected with whatever is told me.

But lately, one friend has become needier and needier. He would tell me his problems but would not listen to what I say. He would even lie about things, and deny about others.

He would consistently text me what time I would get off from work and would ask to meet up. He would go to my house, semi-unannounced (because he would “already be in the neigborhood’’). He would call me on my mobile and if I don’t pick up, he would call the landline (and I do not have a caller ID!). He would volunteer to bring me to and from the airport even if he lives so far from the airport, maybe just to get “talk time’’ with me. This week, I was able to successfully dodge him and I already feel guilty. But I am getting to the point that I detest seeing his name on my mobile phone’s caller ID because I know it would be the same story over and over again.

Chico and Del, I do not want to be a bad friend but I do not also want to be bearing the burden for my friend. I suggested to him to get professional help because he is so conflicted, even drinking himself to death. He seemed ok with seeing a doctor and I even got some references. But after the holidays, it seems that he does not want to go to the doctor anymore, and he is back to me!! Help me what should I do? – WINNIE

CHICO SAYS…If I may use an analogy, it’s as if you chose a thick coat to put on, only to realize a bit later on that the coat is too thick for your taste and you end up feeling too warm for comfort.

This status of being the person to run to for advice is the coat you’ve chosen to don. The reason people run to you is the fact that you invest time and effort to commiserate with whoever needs or wants a shoulder to lean on. Everyone needs love and comfort and attention. Since you’re the willing supplier, then obviously everyone will demand this from you in spades.

If you start giving away something people want, don’t be surprised if they flock to you in droves. Imagine going to a busy street and shouting: “Hey guys, I’m giving away one thousand peso bills!” What do you expect? You could get killed with the throng that will descend upon you!

of course that’s an exaggerated illustration of your predicament, but I’m sure you get the point. So if you find the coat too stifling and constricting, what is the rational solution to the problem? Very simply, take it off!

If you taught people to rely on you for emotional support ALL the time, then you have to help them unlearn this to alleviate the undue burden they have planted on your now unwilling shoulders. The only way for helping others out to work is for it to be sincere and from the heart. If you’re beginning to feel agitated with your role as the reluctant hero, then there’s no easy way to go about it than to wean them from your emotional teats and let them grow a spine of their own to help them subsist on some self-help for a change.

For instance if Mr. Needy is getting too clingy for comfort, simply stop being so available. No need to lie, just tell him you can’t. Pardon the glut of metaphors, but it’s like teaching someone to ride a bike. If you don’t remove the training wheels, they’ll never learn. The day must come when you have take out the training wheels for them to finally learn to balance on their own. Sometimes it takes some painful falls before they get it.

But don’t overdo it either way. Don’t be a fountain of comfort that flows to quench every soul that thirsts, but don’t be emotionally distant either. Find a way to still be a good friend without spoon-feeding them too much.

I’m sure you’re the type of person who’s such a source of comfort for those who need it, but you have to set some limits or your hands will be full of needy, clingy, dependent fledglings who’ll never learn to fly because you’ve babied them too much.

Helping others out doesn’t necessarily entail giving until you dwindle into nothingness yourself, or feeding the emotional vultures until nothing’s left of you.

DELAMAR SAYS…Sometimes there are people who get addicted to the attention and time you give them when they have problems. More than solving the problem at hand, they seem to enjoy the company and attention you provide as well as being able to talk about themselves as much as they want that they seem to get stuck in this stage, never really graduating to the part of actualy solving the problem.

To make a long story short, sometimes there is a tendency to get stalled at the stage of being able to talk about one’s problem but never getting to the part where they actually do address it to solve it. I mean, where and when else do you get to be the center of attention than when you have a problem and a friend or friends lend you an ear?

When we are problematic, we have license to hijack a conversation and just talk about ourselves. We are allowed this at the most problematic time of our lives but there is a limit. Most of us need a friendly ear to listen  to us when we are going through a tough time because it helps us figure out our problems as we tell a friend about it. It’s like we need a sounding board to understand and better able to solve our problems.

However, there are people who get addicted to the attention they are given because of their problematic situations. So you try to be a good friend and give them your time but they never seem to want to solve anything because without their problems, there won’t be anymore time and attention from you.

If I were in your place, set a limit to how much attention you give him. You need to wean him from you and the special attention he gets from you. Whenever he wants to talk to you, make sure you tell him you have only a certain amount of time for him and that there are other pressing matters you need to attend to.

You need to remind him gently that there are other things you need to do as well and that you cannot give all the time to him whenever he needs you. So whenever he wants to talk just tell him right off the bat that you have only say about five minutes to spare and you will need to do more errands or what have you’s after.

Let him talk. And since it’s the same things over and over and because you have already said your piece many times over before, just let him talk. Don’t say a word. Then at the end of the allotted time, wish him good luck with having to solve his problems and then politely excuse yourself.

Don’t discuss with him, or debate with him. That is exactly what he is addicted to so you really have to wean him off it. Do this as often as necessary till he realizes that he won’t get his “fix” anymore from you because you aren’t really indulging him. Give him a few minutes of your time and then tell him you hope that he finds a way to handle his woes but that you need to go somewhere.

It will take time before he realizes that you are not participating in the same cycle anymore. And when he doesn’t get his “fix” from you, he might go off and look for other people who will. or he might finally realize, hopefully, that this is HIS problem and HIS to solve. He might finally understand that there is limit to how much time and attention a friend can give, that they can help us but never carry our burdens for us. Even that in itself is a priceless realization in life.

The truth is, sometimes the best thing we can do for a friend is to teach them to stand on their own. Yes, it is a good thing to help a friend in need. But it is also good to make a friend realize that we all carry a burden and we must all pull our own weight in this world, that there is no one to help us except ourselves.

And there is no more important time to remind your friend of this than now when he seems to be trapped in the cycle of his own drama that he can’t see he must step out of it. Don’t enable him. In the end, it is bad for him. So, set the limit and be firm. This way you don’t abandon a friend who is obviously in trouble but you are also ensuring that he doesn’t just discuss his problem but actually get to deal with it himself. With limited attention from you, he will spend less time talking about his woes with you and maybe decide to use the rest of the time to actually solving it. If he doesn’t realize THAT, he at least learns the important lesson of limits.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)