QUESTION: “Good afternoon. My name is Evelyn and I’m writing about my son Enzo. He has difficulty controlling his temper and is very strong-willed at the age of three. I am having a difficult time teaching him how to behave towards other people. Is this a phase that toddlers go through or is there a bigger social problem that may be triggering his temper tantrums that we must focus on before this becomes a normal behavior for him? By the way, I have read your article in Manila Bulletin just when I was browsing through the internet for summer classes that may help Enzo with his social skills. I felt that you are in the best position to help or guide us. Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon. God bless.’’ – Evelyn

Teacher Genevieve says: Mommy Evelyn, it would be my pleasure to meet with you to discuss your concerns with Enzo.

Aside from children being born with different temperaments, there are many influences in your son’s immediate environment that could influence the way he behaves towards other people.

Understanding the way he has been “pre-wired” by nature to respond to everyday situations, his developmental level, and the manner by which people around him respond to his unique behaviors, can help you deal with his challenging behaviors in the most appropriate way.

EMOTIONS, TEMPERAMENT & ATYPICAL DEVELOPMENT

From birth until three years old, children learn to regulate their emotional states and to develop more complex behavioral strategies to cope with emotionally challenging situations.

Temperament is one aspect of development that significantly differs from one child to another. It is comforting for parents to know that they are not However, the way by which you respond to your child’s particular temperament can help facilitate your child’s healthy socio-emotional development and help him adapt to his environment, meeting expectations for developmentally-appropriate behaviors.

It is not unusual for toddlers to exhibit tantrums as they assert their independence and “test the limits” of acceptable behavior. This is a time when children try to balance free choice with self-restraint. Your child may be struggling between doing what he wants to do or have, and regulating his behaviors in a socially-acceptable way. How you respond to him after he has a tantrum can be predictive of whether or not he would go into a tantrum the next time he does not get his way. If he was able to get what he wants by throwing a tantrum, he would most likely throw a tantrum again the next time he finds himself not getting what he wants.

On the other hand, there are children whose tantrums are more frequent and persistent compared to what is normally expected even for toddlers, and co-exist with other developmental concerns.

If your son demonstrates any of the following issues or concerns, I would recommend that you see a developmental pediatrician or a clinical psychologist to find out if the child is exhibiting atypical social development which can be indicative of a possible developmental disability:

• Fleeting eye contact
• Delay in spoken communication
• Lack of spontaneous make-believe play
• Difficulty socializing with peers
• Difficulty adjusting to change
• Preoccupation with specific objects or routines
• Sensitivity to sound, light, and different textures

A visit to a developmental pediatrician or clinical psychologist can help assuage your fears and anxieties, and confirm whether or not Enzo’s behavior is still within the range of typical development.

Nonetheless, there are ways by which parents can positively discipline their children may they be considered “normal” or developing atypically because of a possible developmental delay or disability.

POSITIVE DISCIPLINING FOR TODDLERS

The goal of positive disciplining is not to change your child’s temperament (which is inborn / genetic) nor reverse any particular disability, but to learn to work with your child in ways that are supportive of his development. The following strategies may help establish the proper environment for children with challenging behaviors:

1. Recognize and establish your authority by being clear, decisive and consistent.
2. Set rules, limits and reasonable boundaries with consequences for misbehavior.

Be proactive not reactive. Learn to anticipate what triggers a tantrum and if possible, avoid the trigger. Provide alternatives.

Balance freedom with responsibility and accountability.
3. Provide a nurturing and supportive environment that respects the child’s individuality.

• Set the stage for success in dealing with difficult situations.
• Believe in the child’s resilience and capacity to handle “bearable” problems and conflict to help him develop his sense of competency and self-worth.

4. Emphasize good behavior thru positive reinforcement. Catch him doing good and behaving appropriately, instead of just noticing him when he is misbehaving.
5. Promote pro-social behaviors.

• Value cooperation instead of competition.
• Nurture empathy thru stories and by modeling sensitivity to the needs of others.

CHILDREN ARE NOT LITTLE ADULTS

At times we have to be reminded that children are not just little adults. They process and understand the world differently from the way we do. The rules that we set and our expectations for good behavior are not always clear to them and are not readily understood. As individuals, they are also unique, being born with different temperaments and capacities to resolve their issues. Some are not as resilient and adaptable as others.

But it is worth looking at the world through their eyes as they try to make sense of the world that is not always a place of safety and comfort. In spite of the uncertainty they feel, there is always someone they could trust – YOU.

The author is the executive director of ALRES-PHILS. and the chairperson of the SPED Department of Miriam College. A pediatric physiotherapist and special educator, she is currently pursuing her doctorate studies majoring in Special Education at U.P. Diliman. She is a staunch advocate for children with special needs. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask our SPED specialists. Just send your queries to youth@mb.com.ph