Dear Chico and Delamar...I am 32 years old and a single lady who used to have quite a successful job. I met Ronnie five years ago online and we hit it off right away. Initially, we would converse through our professional e-group and then gradually, we started just privately emailing each other, and then chatting. Ronnie is a Filipino now based in the United States - married with four children. Our constant communication led to a close friendship, and eventually, to intimacy. Before I knew it, I was deep into a long-distance love affair!

It was exciting at first, even if it was just a virtual  relationship. But later on I was asking myself, what have I gotten myself into?! He was married and he was so far, far away!! What was I thinking? But it was already too late for me because I had already fallen deeply in love with him. He said he also loved me but could not divorce his wife because first, she did not do anything wrong to him and she did not deserve such. If ever, the divorce should come from her and not from him. Second, he was worried that he would be left with nothing since knowing his wife, she would leave him dry and penniless - and he did not want that to happen. After all, he went to America for greener pastures and did not want to go back to poverty, something that he knew so well when he was still here in the Philippines.

Through the years, we would manage to see each other at least twice a year, either he would come home to the Philippines or we would meet in another country because I do not have a US visa. In between our personal trysts, we would chat or talk on the phone. He would also occasionally ask for photos from me, some in compromising positions, which he asked me to email to him.

But as they say, there is no secret that can be kept forever. His wife found out about us, as she was able to get the password to his email and was able to read all our email exchanges and saw our photos. She sent a letter to our e-group denouncing me (and only me!) and even sent copies of my compromising photos to our office address. I became the talk of the town, forcing me to resign from my job and to quit our e-group. She would call me and send me spiteful emails - and I perfectly understood because I was the one at fault.

Where was Ronnie when all these were happening? We would still talk every day and he assured me that nothing changed. However, I found out that she filed for divorce -- but Ronnie begged her to withdraw it! The very thing that I had been waiting for - the divorce that she was supposed to have initiated -- did not happen because Ronnie stopped it and obviously, was not really serious with what he promised me.

It took so much from me to break it off with Ronnie because I loved him so much, but after a while, I mustered the courage to cease communicating with him. He is still very much married and I do not think he will ever leave his wife.

As for me, I left a good job, a high paying one at that, and contented myself with a small business that does not seem to prosper. I have also given up some friendships in our e-group, the very people who used to look up to me. I am in the abyss of my life. I cannot begin to comprehend what happened to me, how naive I could be in believing a person who did not intend to keep his word in the first place. How careless of me to throw away everything I worked for -- for nothing!

I do not know how to get back my old life because what happened to me keeps on haunting me – and all this is my fault. Chico and Delle, how do I get back on track? – Minnie

Chico says…Not to rub salt on the wound, but allow me to walk you through some of the stuff you wrote that I believe you really should marinate in for awhile, until it sinks in, before you can successfully move on.

First, you said you couldn’t believe how this man could break his word to you. Pardon the bluntness, but hello? This man was cheating on his wife with you, making him a promise-breaker from the very start. How can you fool yourself into believing that a man would break his promise to one woman and keep his word to another?

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s like trusting a known thief not to steal from you. If he can cheat on his wife, he can also cheat on you. Any relationship based on a foundation of deception and replete with hurting innocent people in its wake, can’t be a very stable one. You knew he had a wife, and yet you willingly and consensually agreed to carry on an illicit affair, one that would wound a woman and her kids who all did you no wrong, and would probably still be doing so if you weren’t caught.

Don’t get me wrong, I also don’t agree with what his wife did. I don’t see the value of revenge because it transforms the aggrieved into every bit the aggressor she was railing against in the first place. It’s like burning down your own house just to kill a rat. I truly believe that you can’t right a wrong with another wrong. But that said, you need to understand that this is a wife and a mother protecting her family in the way she knows how, be it right or be it wrong. Even mothers of animals become fierce and will attack with their lives if they feel their offspring are in any way in danger.

Again, I don’t condone how she handled the situation, but I understand the source of all the wrath. I’m not taking you through all this all over again just to rub your face in the mud. Before you can successfully learn from the experience and to start anew, you first need to know your hand in the equation; how you contributed to how things played out eventually.

That said, you asked how you can get your old life back? You can’t.

That life is lost for good. But what you can do is to start a new one. There is a bouncing back from an abyss. At the very bottom of the abyss lies the trampoline of second chances. Just look at those celebrities and politicians who bounced back from seemingly career- ending scandals and look at where they are now! They’ve got the brightest careers and re-elected to even higher posts.

Now I’m not saying that you can do whatever you want just because people will forget, but more like there is always room for a second chance. That’s why I want you to realize to the fullest how you got to where you are right now, so you avoid making the same mistakes again in the future. You’d be surprised, at how many men and women go through the same pattern, making and re-making the same mistakes over and over again, as if it kept happening for the first time. Like the famous saying goes: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results”.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes life makes the lesson extra difficult because we refuse to listen the first time. The lesson will only be as easy or difficult as it needs to be for us to learn it.

Take it one day at a time, as long and tortuous as the road may seem, and keep forging on, think of it as a road you must travel to get you where you should be. Maybe this lesson is essential for you to go through before you go to the next step.

When you fall, cry a few tears, then pick yourself up, pick up the lesson, then keep walking.

Delamar says…The burden of blame falls on both of you. It takes two to tango, as they say. And it does take two people to have an affair.

There is nothing left to do but pick up the pieces and try to get back to where you want your life to be. Again. The truth is, any kind of falling in love is a risk. But boy, it is MORE of a risk when you do so with a MARRIED man. No need to get into a post mortem of what happened and why it happened. I think you fully understand the lesson you need to learn. When the lesson has been learned, HOW DO YOU GET YOUR LIFE BACK?

The answer is, TRY AGAIN. When life disappoints you or when things do not pan out as you hoped, it is important that you are able to spring back from it and not get disheartened. Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, this was an error in judgment. Yes, you should have known better. Yes, it cost you. But what else is there to do except bounce back?

One thought that helps me out when I feel a little bit bruised and beaten by life is: Has anyone in history ever been able to come back from this intact?

I remember when I had my heart broken the first time, I couldn’t understand how anyone can ever be okay again after losing at love. But as I had many examples around me that showed there is surviving such a thing, it gave me hope.

After my younger brother died many, many years ago, I wondered how life will ever be happy again after such a loss. And then I realized I am not the only person this has happened to. As a matter of fact, everyone in history has had a loved one die on them and they are all able to live through it.

It is a reality that everyone must face. It gave me hope. I saw people around me who managed to find some measure of happiness after tragedies, deaths, failures, etc. Even when I was a new driver, I wondered how I could ply the streets of Manila and realized that everyone had to be a beginner, a new driver at some point, even Michael Schumacher!

So, look around you. Is there anyone ever in history who had an affair with a married man and survived it? The answer is most likely, YES. Just look at the showbiz industry for an example, I don’t want to name names but there are a couple of celebrities that come to mind. If they managed to survive it, then so can you. I mean, theirs is as public as public gets and they are surviving it. Why not you?

Go back to square one and start anew. Go and apply in another company.

Send out your resume and go for interviews. Don’t dwell on the failure and the past. Now is the time to act in the present no matter how difficult. So, go and work at getting the job you want again. I am sure there will be some company that doesn’t know you or what you have done. So go out there and try.

I know that what happened to you is pretty bad, but it is done. There is no way to erase it, just a way to live with it and through it. Keep in mind that getting back your life together is still part of the lesson you need to learn. Remember that Aaliyah song “Try Again”? What did it say - dust yourself off and try again. That is exactly what you have to do.

We have all made mistakes - and we will all still make mistakes in the future. But that shouldn’t give us an excuse to give up and throw in the towel…especially if there is still the rest of your life to live. Your life is only a failure for as long as you stop trying to make it better. So muster up all the strength to fight for the happiness you can still have in the future. You may have failed or made a big mistake but there is the rest of your life to think of.

Go ahead and start working for that good life again. And when you finally make it there, just remember to make the best decisions for YOU. Do not repeat the same mistakes, ok? Good luck. I’m rooting for you!

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)