DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...My girlfriend and I started seeing each other as college freshmen, and we’ve been together now for a decade. Recently, she and I have started talking about maybe moving in together and taking our relationship to the next level, but nothing’s really been decided yet.

I guess what has been a stumbling block between the two of us step is the arrangement that the two of us have: We’re romantically exclusive but sexually nonmonogamous, if that makes any sense. It’s something that we agreed on when we first started going out, and it’s worked out really great for us until now.

I haven’t talked to her directly about making our relationship a sexually monogamous one as well, but it doesn’t seem like she wants it from comments she’s made whenever our sex life becomes a topic.

Is it silly of me to ask for this change in our relationship? We’ve never really had any major fights and we really get along so great together, I feel like rocking the boat would be disastrous at this point. Should I maintain the status quo or should I take a chance and make a change? – MARK

CHICO SAYS…If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life is that the human experience is relative. What works for one may not always work for another. All I can share are my own conclusions, those I’ve arrived at, based on my journey so far.

I’m not a big fan of open relationships. I personally don’t see the value of leaving the relationship open to outside influence, especially of the sexual persuasion. Maybe I’m a naive romantic, but making a commitment to someone for me, entails exclusivity emotionally and sexually.

Call me a prude, but I need to feel special. I need to know that we are enough for each other, that there would be no need to derive anything else from other people from outside the relationship.

Plus, there is the ever present Damocles sword that is STD that hangs over your heads. There is this gripping series of print ads in the U.S. that goes something like, you don’t just have sex with the people you had sex with, you have sex with everyone they had sex with as well.

Opening each other to sexual contact with other people is like playing Russian roulette with disease.

Not to scare you, but having multiple sexual partners will increase both your chances of contracting disease and passing it on to each other.

Even if you decide to enter a monogamous relationship, it still isn’t a guarantee that you’re safe. Because from the moment you get together, you are at the mercy of each other’s sexual histories. If she slept with 20 men before you, then you open yourself to whatever those 20 men had, if any.

Sorry to sound alarmist, but in this day and age, that is the harsh reality of the sexual playing field. But that aside, even if for the sake of argument that sexually-transmitted diseases were not a factor, I still wouldn’t want to be in a non-exclusive relationship. For me, if you’re not ready to commit to just one person, then don’t get into a relationship. Sow as much wild oats as your silos can supply, and when you’re ready, only then would I advise you to settle down. Even friends who have been in open relationships, or have been open to “playing” with third parties as a couple, have eventually rejected the idea because it wreaked undue havoc on the union.

But then that’s just me. Just because I don’t agree with it, and just because it didn’t work out for my friends, doesn’t mean it has never worked for anyone. I’m pretty sure there are many couples out there who’ll disagree and say they’ve been in open relationships for years without any hitch at all. Good for them.

So in the end, only you guys can determine what you want and what you need in a relationship. Is it wrong for you to ask for sexual exclusivity? Definitely not. Should you NOT ask because it might rock the boat? That’s up to you.

Ask yourself what you want in a relationship. If you want someone who will be fully committed to you physically and emotionally, then find somebody else if it turns out she doesn’t want the same thing. If you want her, no matter how awkward the set-up, then stay until you can take it. Your life, your decision.

DELAMAR SAYS…Now IS the time to say what you have to say. You’re bringing the relationship to another level and if there is a time to talk about this change of heart, it would be NOW.

This arrangement of yours is unconventional but I am sure you have your reasons. Be that as it may, there is some risk in asking someone to change something so major midstream…like for example, sexual polygamy to monogamy. There is a habit here, an expectation laid on the table that might be difficult to take off it. You’re used to sleeping with women other than just your girlfriend. She’s used to sleeping with men other than you. And then taking that away? I mean, sure there is a risk she will not like this change you are asking for.

Still…you should speak up.

You have to tell her this isn’t the relationship you want anymore. I mean, I don’t really know if you both can just switch it on and off but if that is what you want from her and the relationship then you owe it to yourself, to her and your future together to speak up now. You have to know if she can be in a monogamous relationship because that is what you want for yourself now. You need to know if this will be the woman who can want the same things as you in the relationship.

Yes, you will be risking the relationship. Yes, it is possible that she will not like this change of heart of yours. But what is the alternative? Be in the relationship with her and resent her for not being faithful? It doesn’t sound sane, does it? It sounds like you’re cruising for major pain in your life if you do that. Can you really live with someone who is not monogamous now that the relationship is turning serious? Or put another way, can you live without her if she refuses to give up sleeping with other men?

Let’s face it, now you want to ask her if she can be faithful to you and only you…for as long as you both shall live…or as long as you live under the same roof with or without marriage. That’s a tough question to ask and the answer might just be as tough to take.

But it is a question I think needs to be asked…especially now that you are taking things to the next level. Whatever answer you get from her, I think it will be difficult to deal with. If she says yes to monogamy now, it will take time for you both to get used to the new rule. If she says no, then you will decide if having her in your life is much more important than monogamy. I think you need to know if she can. And now that the relationship is going to the next level it’s good that you ask her before you take things any further.

Speak up. Give her the option to choose if she wants to continue the relationship with the new rule. Let her decide as well if you will be the man who will want the same things out of life as her. Just accept the possibility that this question can be answered by a ‘NO’. If the answer is yes, well and good. If the answer is no then you will decide if this is a relationship you want to continue or not. So will she. Pose the question. You both need to know what you are really getting into. After all, this living together is preparation for what lies ahead for you so you need to know if you both can or cannot be monogamous.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)