DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... My best friend and I met during our senior year in high school. That was 10 years ago. She is easygoing and laid back, and she is the perfect person to hang out with.

The problem is that she is also my boss, and she is an entirely different person in the workplace. She is overbearing, forgetful, and is prone to sudden outbursts of anger that are oftentimes misplaced.

The worst part about it is she texts me afterwards and asks me if I’m angry at her and if she acted like a bitch at work. The answer to both questions is yes, but of course I can’t tell her that! It frustrates
me that I have to deal with her attitude at work and then be expected to forgive it immediately as her friend.

Complicating things is the fact that aside from her, I love my job, and can’t think of leaving it anytime soon. How do I save my job without destroying my friendship in the process? – Maria

CHICO SAYS…If you guys are real friends, then you should be able to tell each other the truth, even if it means hurting the other one. Real friends tell you what other won’t, because they care enough about you, enough to risk being the bad guy.

For example, only a true friend will tell you if you have bad breath. Most would rather pretend the problem doesn’t exist because they’re afraid of hurting your feelings, but a true friend will tell you, no matter how uncomfortable, because they don’t want you to further embarrass yourself in front of other people, despite the possibility of them biting your head off.

Your friend already did half the work by asking you if she was being difficult. It doesn’t mean that just because she asked that she won’t get hurt if you call her on it. If you guys are real friends, then your relationship should be able to withstand the sometimes harsh presentations of the truth. But all this said, I understand that this is always easier said than done.

And despite my championing the truth at all costs, it comes with a qualifying caveat: although I agree with presenting the truth, I also feel that dispensing it requires apportioning just the right amount and with the right timing.

Many people have criticized me for often clamming up when they ask me, “is anything wrong?” It’s not that I don’t want to say the truth, but I might feel that now isn’t the time to talk about it, or the intended recipient may not be ready to receive my version of the truth.

For example, if you happen to dislike your wife’s parents, do you just blurt out of nowhere, “I can’t stand your parents!” Of course not, no matter how true, no matter how justified.

But there is a way to tell her this sentiment without necessarily rocking the boat. With the right choice of words, edited with ample diplomacy, and administered at the right time, it is possible to get the message across without filing for divorce right after.

I credit this juggling act with the success of many relationships in my life. If I had been more upfront with what I really thought and unleashed my version of the truth every time I felt it, I’d probably have much less friends than I do now.

This is what I mean when I say tell your friend the truth, but in a way that would be seen as more constructive, and less of an attack. Only you would be able to calibrate the intensity of what you tell her, so you could tell her how you feel without ruffling her feathers needlessly.

Having a friend as your boss is a tricky tightrope walk, but it can be done. Like the metaphor I used, the key is balance. If you can find the right words, you can deliver the message to the other side without losing your center.

DELAMAR SAYS…I would keep the relationship strictly professional. I mean, you could still hang out and spend time together but don’t ever forget that she is still your boss. At the end of the day, whatever transpires between the two of you on a personal level could be dragged into your professional
life.

Protect your career and your livelihood by making sure you don’t show her something she could use against you in the office. Especially now that you see her and what kind of boss she is, it would be wise to remember that people are different at the office.

Given power and position higher or lower we all act accordingly. That’s why it is difficult to remain friends when one becomes the boss. I think and subordinate and then eventually became friends rather than friends and one becomes the boss over the other. Friends are on equal footing but a boss and subordinate? Well, one is higher in the totem pole than the other.

You “obey” a boss and that will be hard if you are friends and then all of a sudden you have to be accountable to them professionally. The dynamics will be very, very different.

Remember that in the workplace there is a job to do, we are paid to perform a task. And our salaries, our promotion, or demotion depends on how well we do these tasks. Inherently, there is competition. Should something go wrong, for example, your boss can fire you or she can pass the blame on the people under her to save her own neck.

Friendship then, in its truest sense, cannot exist between people at the office. There is a limit to the kind of friendship you can have with officemates. No matter how friendly the atmosphere is once something goes wrong the boss will always look at who is responsible. And mistakes at the office can cost someone his job. Unlike in friendships, you make a mistake and all it takes is an apology and things go back to normal. Professionally, mistakes may cost someone his or her means of livelihood.

Now that you see how different your friend is as a boss, you have to remember that at the end of the day, you are accountable to her in a way that friends are not accountable to each other. She has the power to fire and promote you. Everything in this professional relationship is conditional.

You perform a task and you get to keep your job. You don’t perform as expected and you could lose it. That’s why it is conditional. It is so very unlike the dynamics of friendship.

We love our friends no matter what, ideally of course. We accept our friends for who they are and we love them for it. The work place is entirely the opposite. You keep your position in the company for as long as you do the work and do it well. Falter in that and you most likely will get fired.

In this scenario you have to choose between keeping your friend and keeping your job. So if you like your job and you want to keep it, then my recommendation is to keep your distance and treat her more of a boss who is friendly towards you not a friend who is also your boss. Your boss may apologize for outbursts and ask if she was a b*tch towards at work. But the mere fact that you feel you can’t totally be honest with her means it is clear to you that your honesty might cost you your good standing at work. Keep your distance and always be aware of the fact that at the end of the day she is your boss.

Next time she has an outburst it will be easier to take because it’s just your boss being aware that she is well, your boss and can therefore shout at you even if it is misplaced. You won’t get hurt anymore that your friend shouted at you. It will hurt less and you can let it go easier. As soon as you resign yourself to the fact that she is first and foremost your boss now, then it will be easier to act around her and put that relationship in its proper place in your life.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)