DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...We all like to think that looks don’t matter when it comes to love and relationships. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that one’s physical appearance does count a lot. I think this is especially true for gay men, where there really is a premium put on looks.

I’m fat, gay, and have little experience with dating, so I came to accept the fact that looks matter and made my peace with. I thought nothing would shake me from my belief, but then I met Sam. We’re from different departments in the same company, and we met during the company outing.

We really clicked -- we had the same interests and sense of humor. But he looks like a model while I look like...me.

I’m afraid of asking him out because it might ruin our great friendship, but there is a part of me that entertains the fantasy of him being attracted to me despite my looks. Do you think our emotional connection could overshadow my physical disadvantages?

Or should I just accept that Sam is too hot for me? –James

CHICO SAYS…Yes, I concur that looks have a lot to do with who we choose as our partners in life. Even you, must admit, fall trap to this. Be honest, would you have invested so much on Sam had he been physically ugly or unappealing? Would your connection be enough to override the physical inadequacies? Possible, but not probable.

So although I agree that we choose someone we find physically appealing, there is one small but important detail you missed: beauty is relative.

As corny as it may sound, what may be beautiful to one pair of eyes is ugly to another. That’s why beauty contests are always hotly contested, because there is no one standard of beauty. Have you even wondered when you see, for instance, the stereotypical good-looking white guy with a Pinay whom most would describe using the politically incorrect aspersion, “mukhang tsimay”? Maybe to us, that look is unappealing, but to foreigners, they apparently find that extremely appealing.

I don’t want to get too much into the subjectivity of beauty because the reality is, although beauty is relative, there are certain general criteria when it comes to defining beauty here in the Philippines.

Let’s face it, when you say that a guy “looks like a model”, here in the Philippines, that translates generally to: mestizo, tall, muscular, and all-around handsome in the caucasian mold.

But at the essence of my thesis is this: a person will choose someone he finds physically attractive, someone physically attractive TO HIHIM. What you find physically attractive is not what I find physically attractive. How many times have I heard women coo: “Ang guwapo-guwapo talaga ng mister ko!” And I’m like, “Woman, are we looking at the same guy?” It doesn’t matter what I think, to her, her husband is a hunk of burning love -- and I won’t argue with that.

So all that ruminating aside, should you ask this guy out? In my opinion, first find out if he’s gay. If you’re absolutely sure that he is, then I say GO FOR IT. I don’t say this because I guarantee success, in fact you may very well fail, but I say this because you have every right to express attraction to another human being, regardless of how you think you look like.

For the sake of argument that you are correct in your assessment that you are “ugly”, does that automatically rob you of the right to ask someone you find attractive out? HELL NO! So what if he says no? True, rejection hurts like a motherclucker, but the threat of it shouldn’t stop us from going for what we want in life.

I don’t want to go Oprah on you, but I truly believe that love is for everyone, not just for the beautiful, not just for the straight, not just for the rich, not just for the healthy, not just for the smart; love is for EVERYONE. It may or may not be this Sam guy, but you have to keep looking if that is what you want.

All is fair in love and war. It’s your right to ask him out, it’s also his right to say yes or no depending on his inclinations.

And regarding your friendship? Risk it, because you’re not really a friend, friend, because you’re a contender. If he can’t handle it, that’s his problem, not yours (unless you’re a stalker, in which case, it’s your problem). Looks isn’t everything. It counts for a lot, but it isn’t everything.

DELAMAR SAYS…The moment we fall in like or love, I think insecurity will play some part in the whole process of finding love.

It is but natural to feel insecure as long as the insecurity is not taken to the extreme. We hold our objects of affection in such high regard that we don’t think we are worthy of them precisely because they are SO great in our eyes. All of a sudden we question our looks, our traits, and our every thing trying to match it up against theirs to see if we are in the same ‘league’ as they are.

This bout with insecurity happens in varying degrees to everyone who falls in love…or in like. It is something we need to process while we fall in love with someone, which doesn’t make it easy.

But I think that’s part of what makes the whole ride so wonderful and scary. When we are faced with someone we truly like, someone whose ‘NO’ can truly hurt us, well, we pause. We take stock of who we are and how worthy or unworthy we feel and yet somehow we still reach for love in the end. But all this questioning and second-guessing yourself IS part of liking…wanting…and hopefully eventually loving someone.

So, as far as getting insecure with the looks department, even if you have convinced yourself that you are okay with what your momma gave you, the moment you are faced with someone you truly feel for, your confidence will give way. And it is up to you to get back to confident again and just realize that you are just two people who might or might not be a couple. It’s like what Anna Scott said, played by Julia Roberts in the movie “Notting Hill”: “Don’t forget, I’m also just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” In the end, popular or not, beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, smart or dumb, etc. we all are just people standing in front of each other asking the same question: “Can you find it in your heart to love me?”

Don’t beat yourself up over your looks or lack thereof. How many ugly people have you seen who are in relationships, who are actually happily in love and who seem to be thriving in the milieu of love? Love isn’t just for the good looking. So stake your claim in the frontier of love and relationships. Looks do play a part but it is not the only factor in finding love.

As for being afraid of trying to segue from friendship to love is concerned, in my opinion, you can’t really be just a friend to him right now anyway precisely because you have romantic feelings for him.

Immediately, for you this whole situation cannot just be platonic. And if ever you won’t tell him of your feelings it will only be because you have decided to make friendship a consolation prize. It’s like an if-you-can’t-get-love-you–might-as-well-settle-for-friendship kind of deal. And that isn’t the way to live. If you don’t ask the question you won’t know the answer. Yes, it IS nerve-racking to put yourself out there and ask THE question of love but if you don’t then you would have shrunk away from one opportunity at romance.

Of course, there is an equal chance of being rejected and that could hurt if it came from someone you really like but how else will you know if you don’t take the chance? Go ahead and ask him. Profess and confess your feelings and ask if you have a chance. If yes, then you would have won the romantic jackpot.

If the answer is NO…well, of course it will hurt and sting. But eventually, you would know if you had a chance or not. And that is the best reason to say what you need to say to him.

Let your feelings be known. You won’t ever have to regret shying away from one of those moments in life when you are sure that your happiness lies with someone. You might be wrong and you might be right but at the end of it all you will have an answer.

One of the most beautiful and crazy things about love is it amazes us how much we can feel about another human being. It can tear us apart at the seams holding that much feeling for another. And it can blow us to smithereens if we fail at it. We are full of hope and we are full of despair. It is a testament to how much we are able to give to another and it is beautiful. It makes us feel we are alive!

All senses heightened we feel everything we have never felt before.

You are at a point in your life where there might be a chance or hope of someone. Take that chance. There aren’t many true chances at love. So roll the dice and take your chances. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose and you move on. At least you will know if it was yours to have or not.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)