DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I started dating this guy several months ago. He seemed to be the perfect gentleman. He would open doors for me and the like, and I found his old school manners very charming.

I moved in with him a couple of weeks ago, and since I’ve been with him, I found out something that has begun to bother me a bit. It turns out that my gentleman has quite a short fuse when it comes to objects around the house, frequently swearing at and punching objects around the house when he is frustrated about something. He’s already broken a mirror and some picture frames. He even punched the computer once when it took a while to connect to the Internet.

He’s never directed any of his anger at me, but I admit to being a little worried. Is there any chance that his anger towards inanimate objects eventually ends up with me as the target? Or should I just accept this as quite an unusual -- and expensive -- quirk on his part? -Patricia

CHICO SAYS…Your boyfriend has anger issues. I don’t know if he would be capable of actually hurting you, but general wisdom dictates that it usually is the next progression.

Many wife beaters are perfect gentlemen. I’m not saying that your boyfriend is a wife beater, I’m just saying that many men with perfect manners hide violent tendencies underneath gentle exteriors.

Just speaking for myself, I get extremely angry all the time, but I never get too angry that I reach the point where I need to break things, regardless of how cheap or expensive. People who end up hitting or breaking things reach a much more volatile boiling point. Anger is like a demon that possesses you, and you cede logic to it.

What scares me is that anger, especially when it turns to blind rage, oftentimes cannot distinguish between what’s living and non-living. Many people “black-out”, not remembering what they did in a fit of rage. That’s what most people who commit crimes of passion usually say -- in Tagalog, “nagdilim ang paningin”. Even meek lamb-types can fall victim to this, given the right amount of provocation, so can you imagine what a person who is already given to furious outbursts is capable of when engulfed in a blinding rage?

Again, I’m not saying he will, but the chances are definitely high. I’m a firm believer in the saying that if you want to see the true quality of a man’s character, see how they treat people who are “beneath”
them.

So observe how he treats the household help, waiters, security guards, etc. They say even if he treats you like a princess, but if he treats those people harshly, it’s just a matter of time before you get a taste of the same treatment. So people who say, “he lies to everyone EXCEPT me!” is in for a rude awakening, maybe not now, but somewhere in the foreseeable future.

So although for now your boyfriend limits his fury to punching inanimate objects, you need to address this issue ASAP. When he’s in a much gentler state, air your concerns, tell him how much he scares you when he’s running amok. Tell him of how Jekyll/Hyde-ish, Bruce Banner/The Hulk-ish he gets sometimes.

In some cases, simply seeing the person you love afraid of you is enough to knock some sense into you. Even if it turns out that he will NEVER hurt you, no matter how angry he gets, it’s nevertheless a valid concern.

Obviously you’re in a stage in your relationship where the getting-to-know each other phase is going on a deeper level. Apparently, you don’t know him well enough to know for a fact that he’ll never hurt you, so it’s important that these issues are addressed as early as possible.

If you see red flags, don’t ignore them. Get to the bottom of your concerns, and once you get the answers you’re looking for, act accordingly, depending on what you’re willing to live with.

DELAMAR SAYS...Your boyfriend has anger management issues. And yes, you should worry about whether it might go from just venting out on inanimate objects to you. Even if it never becomes directed to you though, I will say that you need to consider this as a serious issue because even if he never lays a hand on you, should you have children in the future you will subject kids to that kind of atmosphere. Your future kids will grow up in a household where one parent has anger management issues. The effects of this on kids cannot be good. This is a problem when an adult cannot control his anger/rage and vents on things in the home. This is not a good example and neither is it the kind of trait you want your child(ren) being exposed to let alone picking up.

I don’t suggest just upping and leaving your partner without trying to address the issue. Try calling his attention on it. When things are particularly good and you both are in a good mood bring it up if he is aware of his tendency. Be upfront with him that this is something that worries you because that rage he exhibits makes you wonder if it will ever be directed at you.

See how he handles this talk. I hope he doesn’t fly into a fit of rage just by talking about it. If he does then I think it is safe to say that you better clear out of there. But should he be open to admitting there is a problem then the next step is to try to map out the steps on how to deal with it. See if he is open to seeing a professional or a therapist for this issue. It might be good to know if either of his parents have this tendency as well and see if any of them have ever vented out their anger at a family member.

It will make you understand this problem better if you know the family background.

You have all the right in the world to get out of the relationship based on this alone. It is not easy to live with someone who has issues regarding anger or rage. Even if it never is directed to you or to anyone in the home the mere fact that there is so much rage that is uncontrolled is a serious issue that should never be swept under the rug. The atmosphere in the home can become oppressive or very fearful if you have someone who destroys things in the home just because they are angry. Eventually, it might be like walking on eggshells in your very own home because you don’t know when your partner will find a reason to lash out.

Besides, it’s expensive! You cannot destroy things you have bought with your hard-earned money just because he cannot get a handle when he gets provoked. What I am saying is that if you love him, you will, at the very least, TRY to address it before just packing your stuff and leaving without an explanation. And I say address it as soon as you can. You cannot wait for it to get really bad. It needs attention ASAP. The earlier you know if your partner is open to admitting there is a problem the sooner you both can start to find ways to address it, if you even want to help him.

If you come to the conclusion that you cannot or do not want to carry on with the relationship because you are not up for it, you have all the right to break up with him. All I recommend is that you tell him exactly how you feel and where your decision comes from so that he understands that this anger management issue is a very serious one that he needs to address because it can cost him the relationship with the woman he loves.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)