DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I just recently got my dream job at an event organizing company. I’ve mostly done office tasks, but a couple of days ago I was finally part of a big event. Of course, there were drinks involved, and I ended up getting a little tipsy, with more than a little encouragement from my co-workers and superiors.

The troubling part for me is that I ended up going home with a boss, and we sort of ended up making out. I was getting into it at the beginning, but as the night wore on I asked him to stop, which to his credit, he actually did after a few minutes of protesting from me.

When we next met at his office, he asked me not to quit, but did not apologize for what he did the other night. I told this incident to a friend of mine, and she told me that I could sue my boss for harassment. Is this something I should do? Or should I just consider this a drunken night that got a little out of control and nothing else? This is a job that I’ve wanted for so long. –Edina

CHICO SAYS…This is a bit tricky, mainly because even you concede that you were into the making out at the beginning. And as you yourself conceded once again, he did stop when you asked him to.

So from where I’m looking at it, which part in the whole thing falls under sexual harassment? I’m no lawyer, but what I understand about sexual harassment in the workplace, is that first, the sexual advances are unwelcome; and second, the sexual advances are either in exchange for advancement in the workplace, or made as a condition for employment, or results in a hostile environment for you.

First, it’s hard to establish that the sexual advances were unwelcome because you’ve admitted that you were into it at first. It’s not like he threatened to fire you unless you sleep with him.

Second, he did stop when you asked him to. If he continued and forced himself on you despite your obvious protestations, then that is not only harassment, it’s rape.

But as you said so yourself, to his credit, he stopped his advances after you told him to. And third, he didn’t threaten your employment due to the incident, nor did he make your situation in the office hostile in any way. In fact, he even asked you NOT to quit. So again I ask the question: where is the sexual harassment?

To be blunt, my call on your situation, based on what you wrote us is this: you got tipsy, enough to fool around with a boss, then for whatever reason, midway into the making out, you changed your mind and asked him to stop. He stopped, but now you suddenly feel vulnerable and embarrassed by the whole situation, and now you want him to apologize to save face in case the truth comes out. A boss sleeping with an employee is not sexual harassment per se. The boss using his position of power to force an employee to sleep with him, IS sexual harassment.

In your letter to us, you had no mention of any coercion, of any blackmail, of any condition on his part to compel you to have sex with him. You changing your mind midway is not enough to accuse someone of sexual harassment. Now if you’re really serious about filing an official complaint, and if you have other pertinent information that you may have left out in your letter to us, I suggest you talk to a lawyer about it to see if your case has any merit. A lawyer would be able to thresh out the details for you as you see fit.

If you really feel wronged in this whole situation, then you have every right to seek justice. But if you look deep inside and all you see is wounded pride and fear for your reputation, you might want to think twice before you level an accusation as serious and as far-reaching as sexual harassment.

Depending on what REALLY happened, you can either end up rightfully punishing a predator, or wrongly besmirching an innocent man’s reputation.

DELAMAR SAYS...Just going by your letter and how you recounted the story, I think what happened was between two consenting adults. That said, I don’t think there was harassment. There was no threat of losing your job if you didn’t make out with him. As a matter of fact, you said you were initially getting into it until you decided to stop making out and when you asked him to stop he did. He didn’t force you to go home with him. He didn’t threaten you if you didn’t drink.

The way it sounds to me, there was no harassment that went on. To me, it is one of those things that happen when people get a little too much alcohol in the blood and inhibitions are shed and urges become strong. The fact that you even have to ask should you file for harassment and after reading how you recounted what happened, tells me you both wanted to do what you both did that night. And when you changed your mind and said no, he stopped. That’s why he didn’t apologize to you. To him there was no wrongdoing. There was just a man and a woman who probably drank too much one night of partying and felt the urge to make physical contact with each other. There were just two consenting adults who made out with each other. The way I see it, there was no harassment. There was probably awkwardness the day after between two people who almost had sex but no wrongdoing so no need to apologize. That’s why he didn’t apologize. Why would he when you both wanted what happened?

Be very careful of leveling accusations of harassment. It should be reserved for cases when people are threatened to lose their job if they refused their bosses advances. One of the elements of harassment is being forced. You didn’t sound like you were forced in your letter. Unless there is something you are not saying in your letter, I don’t get a feeling that you felt coerced into doing what you did with him. Did he use his position to make you feel like you couldn’t say no? Answer that and you have your answer as to whether to sue him or not.

One more warning: be careful of people who will tell you to level such serious allegations without really trying to understand what happened that night. All that your friend knows is there was making out between a boss and a subordinate. That does not automatically mean you were harassed. If he forced you, maybe. But if he didn’t, there was none. I’m not talking legality here since I am not a lawyer; I’m talking just between men and women. Examine if this person has a hidden agenda too for putting this idea in your head. Because in the end, if you do decide to sue it is you who will be gearing up for a lawsuit and it is you who will deal with consequences not your friend. Better be sure about what really happened before you level an accusation and jump into getting a legal battle. Find the truth of what happened and take your cue from there, not from other people. If you feel you were forced then consult a lawyer. If you didn’t then don’t sue and charge it to experience. Just don’t drink too much in the next party so you don’t get into a similar situation.

Bosses and employees can fraternize; it’s just that it can turn messy. At its most harmless, it’s awkward dealing with the aftermath of sexual relations in the office. At its worst, some people use their authority to exact sexual favors from their subordinates. That’s why companies discourage it. But men and women who work closely together will bounce off sexual energies with each other, that is normal and to be expected. What you do with these sexual energies though is another matter altogether. Be careful next time when you drink. Don’t put yourself in a position where you don’t know what you’re doing and don’t put yourself in a position where you can be taken advantage of. You can’t expect anybody else to take better care of you than yourself.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)