DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...When I was younger, I always thought that my parents were the perfect couple. I never saw them fight like the other kids’ parents, and both of them were always there for me whenever I have problems, either with school or with boys.

But when I turned 14, I began to see the cracks in what I thought was a great relationship. While I have never seen them be physically violent against each other, my mom and dad are prone to loud outbursts and door slamming. Things haven’t changed a lot since then – my parents are still at odds with each other and they are still together.

I’m almost 18 now, and since I was 15 years old I’ve always wished that my parents would separate already. I even asked them this question once, and they said that they were staying together for me. Rather than comfort me, I’ve felt guilty all of these years for being the reason why my parents choose to be miserable together.

Is it wrong for me to want my parents to be apart? I’ve thought of moving out as soon as I can afford it, just so they can’t use me as an excuse anymore. Do you guys think that this would be a good idea? - Candy

CHICO SAYS… To answer your question, in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong if you wished your parents were apart. Obviously, the strain of seeing them at odds is breaking your emotional back. But don’t take the burden of making this decision for them on your shoulders as well. The decision for your parents to stay together or split up is not, and should not be, in your hands.

It was wrong for your mom to tell you that the only reason they’re staying together is for your sake. It could be a major reason, but for sure there are other factors that have kept them together all these years. There’s the keeping up of appearances, the hassle of splitting up the conjugal properties, the social stigma of a broken marriage, etc. I guess she opted to tell you the “staying for your sake” option maybe because it’s the most noble-sounding of their reasons?

The fact is, they haven’t breached their threshold for misery living together. Trust me, once they reach the breaking point, no amount of rhetoric could make them decide otherwise. They’ve stayed together because they’ve chosen to, regardless of the reasons.

If you were to move out JUST BECAUSE you want to give them a chance to split up, it might not be the best of reasons to move out for. Do it because you’ve been fledged and are now ready to test your wings. Do it because you want independence and you feel you’re ready to strike it out on your own.

But if you move out only to serve as an impetus for your parents’ indecision, I suggest you think twice. Even the right thing, done for the wrong reasons, becomes the wrong thing. The decision to split up has to come jointly from both parents. They need to weigh their reasons to either stay or leave and see which outweighs the other. You can’t do this for them. It’s ironic that you have to do for your parents what most parents should do for their kids, which is to empower them to make their own decisions. In Tagalog, “Malaki na sila, alam na nila ang ginagawa nila.”

I fear more for you, because seeing this sort of regular squabbling could mar you for life, and sometimes even sabotage future attempts at forming relationships. I’d actually agree more if you wanted to move out just to escape the constant barrage of domestic turbulence. That kind of thing really messes you up.

Have you tried suggesting family counseling? Maybe a therapist or a religious mentor, to help your family thresh things out better? Sometimes when the players play by their own rules, the presence of a trusted arbiter might ease the tensions a bit and help you all voice your emotions without coming to verbal blows. It’s not so much for other people to solve your problems for you, but to help you find resolution on your own, as guided by someone trained for this sort of thing. Exhaust other less drastic options first before deciding something life-changing. Although things are bad, it could get worse. So explore intervention if needed, just to make sure you’re not leaping before looking.

DELAMAR SAYS...Your parents’ decision to stay together is theirs to make. Whatever their reasons are, whether it is for you or some hidden and unacknowledged reason, you have to let them make it. Although you are the reason they name for staying together, do not be fooled. They are doing this for themselves as well. Rightly or wrongly, that’s what they want.

The truth is, take away yourself from the equation, this is really just a man and a woman, a husband and wife, trying to do what they think is best for their family. There are reasons parents use to stay together that children cannot comprehend. That’s because although they are mom and dad to you, you are not privy to what really is their relationship as husband and wife. To you all this fighting is stressful and I agree I would feel the same way. But you also need to entertain the idea that maybe that’s how they are as a couple.

Some romantic relationships are like that. Some husbands and wives like being in a volatile relationship. They push each other’s buttons and they have become used to this type of dynamics. I know it isn’t the most ideal family life from your point of view but maybe there is something you can’t see. Maybe behind closed doors there is a relating to each other that you cannot see. Maybe they have gotten used to this set up and they just don’t know what to do without it.

Whatever the case may be, this is just a man and woman who are making the best decision they think they can make under the circumstances. Whether you agree with it or not, is not really relevant. Only the two of them can end their relationship as husband and wife.

If you feel that the atmosphere at home is too stressful, then yes, you should move out when you can, if you can. That is YOUR choice. If you want to take yourself out of the situation because it is difficult for you to live with a very combative couple (who just happened to be your parents) then do what is best for you the same way that your parents are doing what is best for them. Don’t feel guilty for their unhappiness in their marriage. You didn’t do that. They did. It probably pre-dated you anyway. You just never saw it before.

Still, although you live with them there are things that you will never know that transpire only between them. This is a man and his wife and there are more than what happens between them than what you observe. So, the decision is up to them whether they should stay together or not. For as long as you have said your piece, then you have done your part.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)