DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

When I was in high school, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills. I did not succeed because somebody found me in time, but that did not mean that the desire to kill myself did not go away.

The pressures of college life would only aggravate my suicidal leanings, and getting involved in an abusive relationship often had me considering trying it again and maybe succeeding this time around. It was a good thing that by the time I had graduated, I had broken free from that relationship, found religion, and gotten counseling from our parish priest.

My problem is that I just recently got engaged to a wonderful and loving man, and I am having trouble deciding whether I should tell him this part of my past or not. We have been together for almost five years now, and I have to admit I have kept this from him all that time. Now that we are about to get married I feel like I shouldn’t hide this from him anymore, but I am very afraid that this will change the way he sees me and he might end up leaving me.

Is it stupid of me to even consider telling him about this part of my past, since it happened a long time ago anyway and I can confidently say that I no longer entertain those kinds of thoughts any longer? Should I keep quiet or should I tell all? –Sylvia

CHICO SAYS…

In the end, it all depends on what you are comfortable with, when it comes to sharing information with your future spouse.

On paper, of course a full disclosure of everything that may seem relevant to making this decision would be ideal.

Personally, I wouldn’t want the shadow of caveat emptor looming over an impending marriage. I would want whoever is “buying” me to know exactly what they’re getting. I don’t want them discovering things about me later on and feeling hoodwinked into getting damaged goods.

If this mess -- that is me – is not what they’re looking for, as heartbreaking as it may be, I seriously would rather they leave me now, if they can’t handle it, than later on when we’ve both convinced ourselves of the permanence of our relationship. I seriously NEED to know if my future wake-up-next-to-each-other-for-the-rest-of-our-lives ball and chain accepts every single treasure and trash that come with the package. I don’t want to shortchange anyone just as much as I don’t want to be shortchanged myself.

In my own long-term relationship, I didn’t dump all my sordid history and myriad baggage all in one go, obviously for the reason that it would be enough to scare off anyone. But eventually, I made sure I disclosed as much as I saw fit, no matter in how minute the increments, up to a point where I can look straight eye-to-eye and say without flinching: “You know everything you need to know about me to make an informed decision as to either stay with me forever or run for your life.” I’m a hopeless romantic. I find nothing more swoon-worthy, than exposing all your flaws, warts and skeletons and all, and for someone to still choose to love you nevertheless.

If I were in your shoes, I would want to find out if my future husband would freak out and leave me on the basis of me having a suicidal past -- mainly because this is the truth. This is part of who I was, and to a degree, the experience is what made me who I am now. If this piece of information is enough to scare him away, I don’t know if this is the kind of man I would want to be with for the rest of my life.

But this is just me, and I am NOT in your shoes, you are. So in the end, you reserve the right not to tell your husband if you’re not ready to reveal this part of your past. Like one quote goes: “Don’t ask the questions if you’re not ready for the answers.”

My only suggestion though is, if you’re not ready for the answers, you might not be ready for marriage. Don’t rush into something as permanent as marriage if you still have these issues about each other. If you’re still scared that certain pieces of information about you can still sabotage your relationship, this might not be the best state to get married in.

Wouldn’t you want to wait until you’re both sure? That no bugaboo from the past would rear its ugly head and wreak havoc in your relationship? If there’s no rush, wouldn’t it prove more prudent to wait until the “fruit is ripe”? Just a suggestion.

DELAMAR SAYS...

I believe in full disclosure of the most important things or facts about you, especially to someone who will be your lifetime partner. He deserves to know as much about you as he can before the wedding and the marriage. The more he knows, the better he can be as a partner to you. He will know not just your strengths but also your weaknesses. And let’s face it he has to know your weaknesses more because that is the part of your life where he will need to step up and support you more.

What did G.I Joe say? “Knowing is half the battle.” If he knows about your past the deeper his understanding of you will be. And if he really understands even the most difficult parts of you (or your past) the truer the words “I Love You” will be when he says them to you. This is my opinion, and I understand that it is easier said than done.

The risk of losing someone you love is hard to handle but if it is the truth about you that will break this engagement then I think it has to be told. It is, after all, the truth about you. Your suicidal tendencies in the past are just that — in the past.

Still, your partner needs to know that this was a part of who you were. Those tendencies have not resurfaced but I think he needs to know about it. I understand that you are afraid to tell him because your fear is that he will change his mind about marrying you. But if the tables were turned, wouldn’t you want him to tell you about his suicidal tendencies just so you know? Don’t you think you also deserve to know everything about who you are marrying before you are really, truthfully and sincerely able to take the very serious vow of “I Do”? Do you think he will stop loving you if you reveal it? Would you stop loving him if he told you about the same?

Start your married life right and be open and honest with the man who will be your greatest ally. Don’t start it with the lie of omission. Or, it will haunt you more so after you are married. Telling the truth is a must if you want to really know if he loves you and you know it. It just scares you because the answer might be a ‘NO’. But telling him the truth is also giving him a chance to love the whole you with everything considered.

And isn’t that the goal of marrying someone — to be with someone who will love you for everything that you are, the good, the bad and the ugly? I guess, what I am saying is, if it were me in your shoes, I’d tell him. Even if the suicidal tendencies were just a phase in my life, I still want to tell someone I will be facing the rest of my life with about them. I suppose that because I also expect full disclosure from someone I am about to marry.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: MByouthsection@gmail.com or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)