Dear Ms. Genevieve,

I read your article at The Manila Bulletin website Re: Managing aggression in children.

Reading your article made me realize the problem we are facing with our son who’s turning four years old this October 2010. My son is in junior kinder right now, it’s his first time going to school. The first few days in school, his teachers would always say he’s very active in school, sometimes the kid would be sent to the quiet chair (isolated from the other kids because of his behavior).

First we would laugh about it, but almost everyday he would be sent to the quiet chair. On the first PTC (parent teacher conference), the teacher reported that it was hard for them to make him follow instructions like packing away his things, to stop shouting or playing rough with the other kids.

Just to give you a brief family background, I’m a flight attendant based in Abu Dhabi, I left my son Sky at a very young age of seven months. I would always go home every month as much as I can. His father is also a flight attendant based in Manila. The kid is left with my parents or his mother. My kid basically grew up without any routine because he lives in two households.

I would describe my child as very smart. He gets praise from us all the time and he likes the attention. I think he’s looking for such attention in school but he gets disappointed because he seldom gets it from his teacher. He is also very passive about his feelings, If he gets hurt, he won’t cry much unless it is really serious. Once my mom said that he didn’t want go to his dad’s house because he was leaving him again.

He’s learning to fight and hide his emotions towards our going away. All this makes me worry about him. Please help me on this, If you require us to go and see you for counseling I’ll be more than willing. Are there books we all could read or can Tomatis Learning Method help my son? Please help us. I thank you for your time reading my email. God Bless and More power! – Geraldine

Teacher Genevieve says: Thank you for your openness and willingness to seek for help. You are obviously very worried about your son, Sky, and how difficult he seems to be adjusting to his present situation.

Needless to say his situation is not at all typical because of the circumstances he faces, having to live in two different households with both of you most of the time away because of the nature of your work.

Since he is surrounded by other adults aside from you, working out his issues would involve the cooperation of his grandparents if we would want Sky to be able to adjust better to school and be resilient enough to be a happy and confident child in spite of his circumstances.

Children thrive on stability and security. This comes from establishing routines early on, understanding boundaries and consequences of breaking rules, knowing that he is unconditionally loved and cared for, and being able to trust the significant people in his life regardless of the surprises that may come his way. All of these are learned from infancy — from the moment that he cried for milk and was satisfied by you when you fed him, until now that you strive to make him feel loved even as he learns life’s lessons the hard way when he is made to feel the consequences of unacceptable behavior.

Do not equate loving with permissiveness. Be careful not to fall into the trap of overcompensating for lost time by giving in to his every want and whim because you do not want to upset him with the limited time you get to spend with him. He has to learn acceptable from unacceptable behavior from the home before we can expect him to behave appropriately in school with his teachers and classmates.

Establishing authority is the first step. Once he recognizes you, or his grandparents, as being authority figures, he will most likely find it easier to obey his teacher and follow classroom rules and routines as he translates positive learned behaviors to school.

LIVING WITH RULES

Contrary to popular belief, children who learn to live with rules and consequences come out better-adjusted than those who are made to believe that the world revolves around them and them alone. Children who understand that their actions would always have an impact on others will grow up to be more sensitive, resilient, sociable and have a healthy sense of self-worth.

Begin training him at home by consistently asking him to pack away his toys after playing with them, making him do simple chores like wiping the table or watering the plants, and reminding him always to be polite and respectful of others in simple language.

Expect him to follow what you ask him to do. Sending him to time-out might not anymore be an effective behavior modification technique for him since in school, it has not succeeded in bringing out the desired behavior. Instead, you can try firmly giving a command for a desired task or behavior (expecting he would follow) then provide an incentive such as another activity he would enjoy once he finishes with the task you’d asked him to do.

If he still refuses to follow, withdraw a privilege such as watching TV or playing with his PSP.

Consistency is the key. Once you do not follow-through on your incentives and consequences, your credibility would be lessened and he would tend to manipulate you the next time around.

KSP

The best way to address attention-seeking behavior (more popularly termed as “K.S.P.” a.k.a. “Kulang Sa Pansin”) is to ignore the inappropriate behavior. Giving him the attention he is seeking for would only reinforce the negative behavior. Give praise when it is due. Some children demonstrate attention-seeking behaviors because they are noticed more when they “act out.” Therefore, catch him doing good and give him the attention he needs, not when he is misbehaving, but when he is doing something worthy to be praised.

Many times, the solutions to complex problems are quite simple and straight-forward. Tomatis learning method and other strategies if appropriate for your son’s needs are just tools to complement time-tested truths in parenting our children. Most of these truths are rooted on our desire to want what is best for our children out of our immeasurable love for them. If you expect Sky to be open about expressing him emotions, you have to be openly communicating with him as well how much you love and care for him not just in thought but in actual words and concrete expressions of your affection.

Trust that in time, he would understand better why you have to spend much time away from home to earn a living for your family. Repeatedly assure him that you love and care for him across the miles and that he is more important to you than anything else. Try your best to keep the lines of communication open even when you are traveling so he would be assured that you are always with him, maybe not physically, but your connectedness transcends any distance between you. Plant it in his mind and heart that wherever you may be, he is loved.

The author is the executive director of ALRES-PHILS. and the chairperson of the SPED Department of Miriam College. A pediatric physiotherapist and special educator, she is currently pursuing her doctorate studies majoring in Special Education at U.P. Diliman. She is a staunch advocate for children with special needs. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask our SPED specialists. Just send your queries to youth@mb.com.ph