DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

My son has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for more than three years now, and throughout that time she has become close to the family. I personally thought she was going to be the one.

Then they broke up a couple of weeks ago. She did it over the phone, and my son has not taken it well. He’s been “in mourning”, so to speak, since they broke up, and has been inconsolable whatever I do. I’m starting to worry that it might end up affecting his studies.

I have tried to contact the girl and ask her to meet up with me. I’m not trying to get her and my son back, I just want to know what happened since my son is not forthcoming with the details of their break-up, and I feel like I cannot console him without knowing what happened. The girl has not gotten back to me, which has left me hurt since I had thought that we had become close in the three years she had been with my son. When I talked about this with my friends, they all looked aghast and told me that I should not have done that. Are they right? should I have just stayed out of it? I just want to help my son. –Jane

CHICO SAYS…

I wouldn’t go as far as to label what you did as wrong, but it’s something that I wouldn’t have done if I were in your place. If your son hasn’t revealed any of their break-up’s details to you, then he must have his reasons for withholding them, reasons you should have respected.

There are no black and white rules on how parents should behave when it comes to their children’s romantic interests. Some parents are extra close to their kid’s love interests, while others retain a formal distance between them. So what works for one set of parents might not work with another. But I guess most would cringe at the idea of a parent bypassing her son to go straight to the girlfriend to extract information. Some would say it crosses the line between caring and meddling.

Let me put it this way, think of how your son would react if he found out about what you tried to do. I don’t think he’d appreciate it. I know you’re concerned about your son’s emotional crisis at this point in his life, but you have to give him some breathing space to find his wings. You can’t be there all the time to be his emotional training wheels; some of the best parenting involves leaving their children alone to find their way through their problems, problems that will come along with or without your help.

Your son has to learn to deal with life’s blows on his own, and you need to learn to accept his newfound independence from you. You have to realize that many of the things he will have to face as an adult will NOT involve you in ANY way.

This is a painful realization for many parents, after years of being needed by the children they have spawned and nurtured all their lives. Weaning them from you does not mean you love each other less, but it does mean disengaging to a substantial degree because this is simply how it works. As adults, they need to be independent of you, otherwise they fail. And if they can’t live without you, or your help, then you’ve failed as a parent as well.

So I really think this situation is not so much about your issue with your son’s ex, but more about your over-coddling your son. You said in your letter that you cannot console your son without knowing the details of the break-up. Sorry to disagree, but of course you can! You’re not expected to supply the solution to his problems, you’re simply consoling him by saying you’re there for him if he needs you.

The burden to “make everything alright” is NOT on your shoulders. Maybe he needs this pain for now, because maybe he’s learning a valuable lesson as he goes through this. As your kid gets older, you need to stop the urge to solve your kid’s problem for him. You can perfectly console your grieving son without knowing anything about his problems. You’re there to commiserate, not necessarily to mediate. Imagine you and your husband having a major fight, and then your mother-in-law bypasses your husband and goes straight to you to mediate. Awkward, right? This is between you and your husband, and your mother-in-law has little space in this matter. In the case of your son and his ex, you are that mother-in-law. Think about it.

DELAMAR SAYS…

Romantic love is a part of your son’s life where he is on his own. He is an adult in this area of his life. He has to get into it on his own, make romantic decisions on this own, and if by some sad turn of events love fails, he also has to do the getting over on his own. This is where he will be his own man.

The process of getting over love lost is an individual undertaking. You are his mother and you want to help ease his suffering but the truth is, this is when you need to let him handle it the way he wants and needs. You have to be ready to lend support should he ever ask for it.

But if he is being very thrifty with the details you have to leave him be and just give him enough room and space to grieve the way he sees fit…most especially if he is deciding not to tell you anything. Leave him to soothe his own pain. He needs to learn to be able to sort out his feelings alone. He needs to find his way back to being okay on his own. He has to be a man. He needs to be a man who can maneuver through the pains of love. If you help him too much he will not learn to do this for himself.

Look, I know that you love your son. You only have the best of intentions for his life. But at this point, I think the best thing you can do is let him be a man, let him be an adult, and let him learn to stand on his own emotionally. Be around to show him he is not alone. Talk to him with love but never intruding more than he is ready to. Part of good parenting is letting your child do things for himself. He will learn independence. I know that is easier when there are kids. But even as they grow up the same rules apply. The particulars and details will change, if when they are younger it’s about letting them falls sometimes so they also learn to get up, this time when he is a lot older you will have to let him lick his own wounds and find a way back to feeling good again. If he learns how to do that, it doesn’t matter what life throws at him. If he has learned the skill of dusting-yourself-up-and getting-up again then you know that if there will ever be a next heartbreak, he will not be lost. He will have learned to ‘fix himself’.

Learn to love without being overly protective more so because this is a son you have. It is important for a man to be independent and strong in many ways. Don’t deprive him of this lesson. Just be around should he be ready to talk or want some companionship when loneliness gets too bad. Other than that just let him handle his pain. It’s hard to watch but it is most beneficial for his character in the long run.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)