MANILA, Philippines – DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...My girlfriend and I have a fiery relationship. When we’re in a lovey-dovey phase, we really get into it. But when we are in a combative mood, it gets really explosive.

During a recent argument, I did something that I am really, really ashamed of. She was shouting at me, pushing me, and was actually hitting me. I kept my cool for the most part, but then she hit my face, and reflexively, I hit her back. I have never, ever hit a woman before and I hated myself immediately after the incident.

When both of us cooled down, my girlfriend told me that she understood why I did it and that she did not blame me one bit. She may feel that way, but I do not. I cannot get over my guilt. I don’t know what to do, other than to end our relationship, even if I love her so much. Is this the right decision to make? – Lloyd

CHICO SAYS…This is a tricky situation. I know a lot of people who subscribe to the saying that Oprah once echoed when sending a message out to Rihanna regarding Chris Brown: “If he did it once, he’ll do it again.”

But of course, it’s hard to pigeonhole people’s reactions to situations because there are as many possible reactions to a single situation as there are individuals. For some, it’s almost as if the taste of blood develops into a lifetime habit, while for some, the single act becomes such a traumatic shakabuku that they never do it again. So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, which type of man are you?

For a lot of women I know, when it comes to physical violence, strike one is all it takes. The moment a man lays a hand on her, it’s over. For some it’s not a deal breaker, and they’re willing to file it under one-time exceptions to the rule.

When deciding whether to stay together or to call it quits, take the whole relationship into consideration, not just that one instance. Don’t base it on that one time that you hit each other. Look at the bigger picture. Sometimes it’s the nature of your relationship that breeds this type of behavior.

Yours is that typical volatile yet strangely exciting relationship where, when it’s good it’s REALLY good, but when it’s bad it’s REALLY bad. Do you think that if nothing changes, that it’s just a matter of time before you start pushing each other’s buttons again and inevitably get violent once more?

Maybe it’s not the hitting, maybe it's the fireworks that’s hard to handle? If you feel that this is a one-time lapse in judgment and that it affected you so much that you’ll never do it again, then you have every right to give yourself a second chance (especially since your girlfriend seems to think so).

But if you feel that the explosive nature of your relationship feeds the violent streak in both your natures, then it’s valid as well to want out, especially if you’re afraid for your loved ones.

Just make sure it’s a mutual decision for you both, co-decided upon, and not unilaterally handed down by just one party. Talk it out with your girlfriend, discuss the yin and yang nature of your combination. See if it can be remedied or if it’s an ultimately self-destructive cycle.

Don’t decide on your own, you owe it to each other to sort this out as a team. So whether you decide to call it quits or to stick it out, at least you mutually arrived at the same conclusion.

DELAMAR SAYS...It’s not really a good sign when you say that when times are good, they’re really good but when they are bad they are really bad. That is what you call a volatile relationship.

Volatile is not good when it comes to relationships. You are driven to extremes. In the long run, it might make you emotionally very tired. In the long run, if the final destination is marriage, it is not good to be bringing up children into a home that is volatile.

Obviously, there will be good times and there will be bad times in relationships. But having them turn from night to day, happy to sad, friendly to combative is not a good sign. It means that your feelings of passionate love can quickly turn into seething hate. The object of your affection can quickly turn into an enemy and that is certainly not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

That being said, I still think that your remorse does show that you take physical violence within a relationship very seriously. And no matter how justified you might feel at having been provoked you still don’t want to make any allowance for violence in the relationship. That’s a good sign only because true blue wife/girlfriend beaters do not look at it this way. They somehow think that it was excused or that it is a normal part of their relationship. It isn’t. Even when it was your girlfriend who hit you, that is not acceptable either. NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD BE HURTING EACH OTHER PHYSICALLY.

I guess, the only reason we take it more seriously when it is a man who strikes a woman is because men are stronger and can inflict more serious harm. But women can do the same especially if they use objects to hit and hurt the men. So, again I have to emphasize that neither the man nor the woman should be physically harming the other in any relationship.

If anything, we are creatures of free will. We can decide to take a hold of a situation and not let a situation take a hold of us. Anytime that you both feel that a fight is escalating and it is getting out of hand you can both remind each other that you have to stop.

Put the argument on pause and remind yourselves how close you both are at losing control. Some couples when they identify this tendency can control the impulse to keep on fighting. Some cannot. You have to both seek counseling, in my opinion.

I don’t believe in just dropping the relationship and breaking up. You at least have to understand what happened and what are the triggers. Even if you find out in the end that it is better to just end it all you still owe it to each other to exhaust all possible explanations as to what happened and, if possible, exhaust all possible solutions to your problem. I mean ‘solutions’ IF and only IF you want to try to give the relationship another try.

If you go for therapy together you will find out a lot about how you interact with each other as a couple and also how you are individually. At the very least, you both owe it to yourselves and future partners to understand if this is something you bring out in each other or something that comes out in just you or just her. Sometimes you need professional help, sometimes you don’t.

Here’s the thing though, you have nothing to lose should you both go into therapy. The worst that could happen is you will gain a deeper understanding of yourselves together and as individuals. And that’s not bad at all, right? But one thing is for sure, if I were in your shoes and I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I love my partner, I will try all possible means to try to save the relationship and if it means seeking professional help, I will.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)