DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I’m a 23-year-old whom a lot of my friends describe as “cute.’’ My problem is that when they call me “cute”, it is because they regard me as someone totally innocent with regards to topics concerning relationships and sexual matters. They tell me it’s because I haven’t really been in a serious long-term relationship and that I’m younger than them by one to two years.

But the truth is, I’ve been in relationships before. When I was in sixth grade up until my senior year in high school, I had a relationship with this sweet guy; we decided to remain as close friends because he went to the “blue school’’ and I went to the ‘’green school.’’

In my freshman year of college, I had a three-month relationship with this guy which I had to end because he had this habit of treating every girl like a fling. In my sophomore year, I went out with this guy who asked me to sit on his lap on our first date. In fact, I just ended a two and a half year relationship with this guy from California; he couldn’t deal with a long distance relationship.

I may not be as liberated as my friends are with regard to these things, but I want them to stop treating me like an elementary kid. Their actions make me feel embarrassed and out-of-place, at times, even unneeded. The guys I went out with told me that they like me because I’m adorable and mature for my age, so why can’t my friends - who know me better - see me as one? How can I make them see me as a grown lady without appearing like or attracting a pervert? I sincerely ask for your honest advice. -La Esperanca

CHICO SAYS…A lot of what you described in your letter had to do with the intangible, the unquantifiable. There really is no actual problem. The only quibble you have is your perceived inequality between who you think you are and who you think your friends think you are.
Confusing?

Mainly because we’re dealing with Johari window stuff here; the battle between who we are, what people see that we don’t, what we are but people don’t see, etc. The fact is, you DON’T know exactly what people think about you, you only think you know what people think about you. So you’re dealing with Inception-type multi-levels of “think”s here.

Trying to control public perception is one of the most frustrating exercises in futility. You can’t really make people think of you the way you want them to, no matter how hard you try. It’s like making someone love you, or respect you, or admire you; you don’t really make it happen, it just does.

As old-fashioned as it may sound, the surest way to handle something like this is to just be yourself.

The number of boyfriends or flings you’ve had in the past, does not an adult make. One can be totally mature without having been in any relationship. In the same vein, you can have multiple relationships with entire basketball teams and still be considered immature.

And really, if you think about it, what does all this amount to anyway? If they consider you “innocent”, does that make you any less? And if they consider you a “grown woman”, does it make you any better?

I know it’s hard, it’s way easier said than done, but try not to obsess with how people perceive you.

Eventually the real you will seep out, like body odor, and people will get a whiff of who you really are, whether or not you exert effort to do so.

Don’t stress out on why they consider you an innocent newbie, when in fact you’re an experienced woman of the world. It’s not always a matter of being either a clueless ingenue or a wanton harlot.

You can be just you, somewhere in the middle.

As to how people perceive you, that’s more their problem than yours. As long as you know who you are, short of slanderous rumors, the rest are just inconveniences.

DELAMAR SAYS...Is there any need to prove anything to them? You are who you are. You know what you know. Your experiences are your experiences. You are ALL that whether they acknowledge it or not. You need not prove anything to anyone. Once you start believing in that that’s when you really grow up and start commanding other people’s respect.

The great irony here is --- the less you seek or beg for others’ approval that is most likely when you will earn it. And it wouldn’t be because you worked hard to get it but because you just started believing in yourself. The more you believe in yourself the less you will need other people’s opinion to determine who you are. The less you need other people’s approval the more they respect you.
You dont need to prove anything. ‘Cute’ is not a bad thing to be...only if you take it so. Just don’t. Take it as a compliment. Just be yourself. You can’t go wrong with that. Always remember: the sun is the center of our solar system whether we acknowledge it or not or whether we even know that or not. It doesn’t need to prove it, it just is.

So just be you. You know what you know about relationships period. Whether they realize it or not you have your experience. Nothing’s going to change that. So, stop asking for their approval. You will be all the happier for it.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)