MANILA, Philippines – DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Recently, my high school classmates and I reconnected via Facebook and since then, we’ve always looked out for each other through thick and thin. If a friend is in need and we can spare a little something to help him or her out, we do.

About a month ago, a friend of ours suffered a debilitating illness and it really hit him and his family hard. They’ve never been hard for money before, but the financial demands of his sickness have really reduced them to just living on the bare essentials. It’s a long fall from the life they used to lead.

Of course, we’ve been doing all that we can to help him out. We’ve pooled our money to help him with his medication. We’ve been asking him what he needs to get back on track, and we’ve been doing the best that we can to help him out.

The problem is, we think he has begun to view us as his personal department store rather than as his friends. He gets a little snippy at us when we can’t immediately get him what he wants. As much as we want to get him everything he needs, we’re not made of money either.

I know that friends are supposed to be there for each other, but surely even friends have limits. How do we tell a sick friend that as much as we’re here to help him out, it’s not a license to treat us like his personal shoppers? –Elisabeth

CHICO SAYS…I know how this feels, having gone through illnesses of family and friends. It’s a tricky balance, figuring out where we draw that line which delineates between what we are and what we are not willing to give or do for a loved one in need.

Obviously, we are all willing to help out someone in need especially if we love them. But equally obvious is the fact that need not even be mentioned, that the help we can give is finite. Do we give so much that we end up in need ourselves? Do we give to the point that we need to borrow money ourselves because we left none for our own needs?

The answer is a painfully, obvious no. We give only an amount, the lack of which will not cause harm to our own selves. Don’t give to the point where you add yourself to the ever-growing needy.

I know that guilt is often the less glamorous twin of charity, and many philanthropic acts are fueled more by guilt than genuine generosity, but you need to find that saturation point wherein charity becomes painful and unwilling. It makes no sense to help out if there is the attendant resentment that comes with it.

Apparently you’ve reached the saturation point of your altruism. Of course you need to understand that your friend is under immense stress, so you give leeway for some level of toxic behavior; it’s not easy fighting for your life. So you need to find a way to send the message across without making him feel abandoned But he also needs to realize that what you give to him is over and beyond your duty to him as a friend. He needs to know that you don’t owe it to him to help him out; you do this because he is your friend, because you love him, and because you will do what you can to make this easier for him.

You don’t HAVE to, but you do anyway. I think it’s healthy for him to realize this so that instead of impatience, he is overcome with gratitude instead. So instead of seeing the delay in assistance, he sees the immense support given so far, instead.

It isn’t easy to be at the mercy of others, but there is a way to go through trials like this with grace and dignity. Maybe instead of telling him that he doesn’t have license to treat you like personal shoppers, maybe every now and then some of you can beg off giving money for reasons that you need the money yourselves, just a gentle reminder that you guys need money too. It will be a sobering splash of cold water for him, but in the long run I think it would be an important lesson for him to learn.

You won’t deprive him of your help, but you’ll temper your charity with some pragmatism as well. He needs to understand that although help is finite, one should be grateful for any amount given. He needs to realize how lucky he is to have friends like you. If he learns to temper his expectations of others, he will find a great weight lifted, and a heart bursting with gratitude.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)