Chico & Delamar

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I’ve been an avid reader of your column, and I would like to seek your advice. I have a very tight and open group of friends. We confide in one another and everything that goes on in our respective lives. Modesty aside, these friends of mine are very attractive, which is why it’s not surprising if they are attracted to one another.

But my concern is with “Alex,” who is a classic gentleman. He is charismatic, charming, cheerful but soft-spoken. And he is also one of my very  first friends, going way back from pre-school.

A few days ago, after a girls’ night out, I caught sight of Alex with another guy friend entering this luxurious hotel. As the two of us went about our morning jogging, I jokingly asked “What do dogs do while cats are out partying?” referring to what I saw. He paused for a while, smiled, and said that the two of them had sex, and had been doing so long before.

I could’ve taken that as a joke if it had not been for that tone that he was implying the truth. Then he chuckled playfully, saying that both of them are really straight guys and that they are just doing it for convenience to avoid troublesome issues like getting female pregnant.

It would’ve been fine (at least for me) if they are both single, but Alex is the boyfriend of my cousin, who is like a real sister to me. He explained that it’s not like he wanted to hide this from her, it’s just that he doesn’t want to rush her into doing this activity whenever he has urges. And even though he told me that he really loves my cousin so much as to want to spend the rest of their life together, I still feel like he’s cheating on her.

I know that this is something that should solely be discussed between the two of them, and that I’m in no position to pass judgment on their relationship based on this; but am I wrong to want to tell my cousin about Alex’s revelations? Or, should I just wait for him to man up and personally talk this matter thoroughly with her? - Jhudielle

Chico says…There are so many levels of deception (if it were up to me I’d use the more heartfelt “bullsh*t”) in your friend’s web of lies, it would put the movie “Inception” to shame.

First, having sex with anyone, man or woman, who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend is CHEATING, plain and simple. If you promise commitment and fidelity to someone, having sex with another person counts as breaking that promise, regardless of the justifications you formulate in your head.

Second, given that he’s in a relationship with a female, it has very important implications that he’s cheating on her, and that he’s cheating on her with another male. Call it what you will, but most, if not all straight men I know, if they would cheat, would cheat with women, not fellow men. That  whole explanation about having sex with men to avoid pregnancy issues reeks of more horsesh*t than a hippodrome.

Third, to angle this situation as if he’s doing his girlfriend a favor by expending his libido with a buddy, instead of pressuring her to have sex with him is mind bogglingly brazen! The gall of your friend to make like she should be thanking him for not pressuring her to have sex with him, thanking him for making the sacrifice of having to boink his buddy instead, just to relieve the pressure in the balls he should have more of.

Fourth, to plead his and his buddy’s heterosexuality amid all the phallic fencing is the icing on the cake. How much sh*t does he expect you to swallow?

Fifth, in this age of sexually transmitted diseases, how dare he put his girlfriend in grave danger? No, I’m not being overly dramatic, because nowadays, contracting a fatal disease during a night’s gallivanting is no longer a long shot. I’m not discounting the fact that some couples choose to be in open relationships, meaning, they are open to having sex with people outside of the two of them. I personally don’t agree with this set-up, but I don’t doubt that it might work for others. But this only works if BOTH parties agree to this set-up.

Obviously, your cousin is unaware of her boyfriend’s alternative lifestyle, so this does NOT count. Do you have the right to expose your friend to your cousin? Of course! For the STD reasons alone you have EVERY right to tell her. An honest relationship should have full disclosure.

If I were in your cousin’s shoes, I’d tell him not to do me any favors, if it would entail him having sex with another man. If you read our column regularly, you’d be familiar about my stand on a third party meddling with affairs of a couple. Usually I’d advice friends and family to stay out of other couples’ business, no matter how close they are to the players. But this is an exception. When deception is involved, the deceived must be enlightened. If he won’t own up, then somebody must reveal him.

Delamar says…This was between the two of them -- until you saw him with another guy and up until he confirmed it to you.

This is a gray area. There is no right or wrong since you have an obligation not only to your friend but also to your cousin. With these two obligations conflicting you will have to choose which of the two is more important.

If you ask me, I would honor my obligation to my cousin more than to my friend if only because there is deception and lies on his side. Second, she is almost family. Third, and this is just my opinion, I believe in the golden rule: do unto others what you would want others to do unto you.

Wouldn’t you want your cousin to tell you if she saw and confirmed that your boyfriend is cheating on you? And we haven’t even factored in the issue of homosexuality.

I don’t believe the reasons and justifications he told you. But that’s just me. It doesn’t make sense for straight guys to sleep with other guys just to avoid the complications of pregnancy! Duh! There are condoms. There are birth control pills. There are spermicides. And there is the rhythm method. Using any combination of these and/or all of the above can more than protect your cousin from unwanted pregnancy.

So to me, this sounds like a justification for gay sex. Be that as it may, the crux of this whole situation is the deception. Deception because he is sleeping with another and the other is that he is CHEATING WITH ANOTHER GUY! I would choose to honor my obligation to my cousin because she is the one who is being lied to. And I would surely want to be told by my friends if they happen to see AND confirm something. I don’t want to make a fool of and so I would do the same for a friend how much more a cousin I am close to!

Having said that, I would strongly advise you to proceed with caution. If I were you, I would definitely tell my guy friend that I will not be a part of the infidelity and the lying. But I would give him the chance to come clean first to your cousin. If I were in your place, I would tell him to tell your cousin everything. Give him the chance to tell her everything. If not, then I will warn him that I will tell her myself.

Just be prepared that your cousin might not believe you. She might even accuse you of creating trouble or sabotaging her relationship. But for me, that is a risk I would be willing to take just because I wouldn’t want anyone important to me to say that I didn’t tell them something important and life changing. I mean, what if she intends to marry this guy eventually? Doesn’t she deserve to know this significant piece of information about her boyfriend now while it is still early?

So, if you are willing to risk not being believed by your by your cousin and worse even losing her friendship and favor, I would tell her about the whole thing should her boyfriend refuse to own up to his ‘extra curricular activities’.

Yours is not an enviable position but it landed on your lap anyway. So the real question is what are you prepared and willing to do for these two people who are both important to you?

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)