Dear Chico and Delamar... My best friend has always been close to her father, so when he died a few years ago, it was quite understandable when she took it hard. She was inconsolable, and for quite some time she was dependent on her family and friends for emotional support.

The problem is that it’s been almost three years since her father’s death, and she still seems to be immensely overcome by the grief of her loss. She is regularly absent from work, and when she is at work, she is often morose and distracted. She used to be a model employee, but is now held in low regard by our bosses.

Our friendship has also begun to suffer, as she often turns down invitations from me or any of her friends to go out, citing her sadness as an excuse. When we offer to accompany her and help her through whatever it is she is going right now, she always replies that she’d rather be alone.

I know that each person has their own timetable for mourning, but I am beginning to fear that for my friend, grief and mourning has become the only thing in her life. Would it be tasteless if I tell her that her grief is getting in the way of her work and friendships? – Edmilyn

Chico says... When it comes to grief, it follows no schedule, and getting over it is as varied as there are individuals. Who are we to say when one should have grieved enough? When is too long? A year? Three years? Ten years? Whether it’s a death or a break-up or any kind of loss, getting over it will depend on who did the losing and what is it that he lost.

But that said, yes, there is such a thing as grieving too much and too long. There is no set amount, mainly because there is no empirical measurement for intensity of pain, but I guess when the grief sabotages the lives of the living, that’s where you draw the line. I agree, someone needs to talk to her. Sometimes, grief is like a hole you’re in. Sometimes you can get out of it yourself, but sometimes, you need a stronger helping hand to pull you out of it.

If you think you’re in a position to tell her this, then by all means do so. Maybe a gentle reminder is all she needs to shake her out of this self-destructive rut. But if you think that she needs to talk to someone more qualified or more trained for these things, broach the idea of seeking professional help. Sometimes it’s easier for some people to expose their emotional raw nerves to strangers than to people they know. But if you think she’d appreciate the talk from someone who loves her, maybe a good friend like you or maybe a close relative, then of course it’s healthy to sit her down for a heart-to-heart talk.

Maybe she just needs some sort of catharsis, one big blow-up before she’s ready to let this go. When I lost my father in 1996, he was the one most important person in my life. He was our family’s anchor.

We all felt untethered, slowly drifting asea, with no direction, no guidance. Getting over it was NOT easy. But you need to get to that point where you realize that your loved one’s journey has ended, but yours has not. He can no longer move on, but you can...and you must. To “end” your life concurrently with a loved one is doing their memory a big disservice. Any father would be sad to see the ones he left behind hopelessly distraught by his passing.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to die knowing that my death would be the undoing of the people I love the most. That would be the bigger tragedy, much more than my death. So hopefully you can tell her what you need to tell her without raising her defenses. She needs a friend now more than ever. Whether you succeed or not, she’s lucky to have you in her corner.

Delamar says... Yes, you need to have a talk with your friend. It has been three years, and although we can never tell how long it will take to really accept the loss of a loved one to death, the world DOES go on turning. Whether we like it or not, we have to be able to learn to live again even with the pain of having lost someone to the afterlife. We need to find a way to function as best we can even as we try to live with the pain of our loss. The life we have is still going even the life they had has run its course. There are things that need attending. She needs to get back to living and get busy with the life that is going on in the here and now.

It is good to remind her that there is a whole other part of her life that is going on even after the death of her father. It is so easy to latch on the pain of loss and feel that nothing will ever be right again after a death in the family. But that is simply not true. There is just a different reality that we need to accept after someone special passes on and that is the life we have to learn to live without them.

Such is the pain of surviving. It is the living that pays for the toll of death. Meaning to say, the dead is dead. Their time here on earth and all the attendant pain and suffering is done. But it is us who are left behind, who need to pick up the pieces and find a way to live with their absence. There is a vacuum in our lives and we need to learn to live with it, soothe it, and if possible, fill it with something else.

Yes, talk to your friend and tell her that her life is still going on. And all that she has right now: work, friends, other family members, need her back to live…really LIVE again. Otherwise, she might lose them too. Tell her how you feel and that you are worried about what the consequences are if she keeps on making the death of her father the centerpiece of her life. Like you wrote in your letter her ‘grief and mourning has become the only thing in her life’. And if that becomes permanent it will be sadder than just having lost her father. She will lose more than she needs to if she doesn’t learn to live again.

The truth is we ALL will live with the painful loss of a parent. Our parents lost their parents, and their parents before them, and so on and so forth. Such is life.

None of us is spared the eventual reality of losing our parents, except maybe if you go before them. But in general, we all will have to go through it, learn to accept life without them, and then find the courage to face life and try to be happy again even if they are not with us anymore. We have to learn to mourn their loss but remember that there are other loved ones who are still alive and who need us to be there for them. It is easier said than done, that’s for sure. But it is something we all need to learn to do for our own sake.

Someone needs to be a real friend and talk to her about something that is difficult to talk about with her. And that’s you. That is one of the roles we have to take on as friends. Sometimes we need to tell our friend they are going down a ‘wrong’ or self-defeating path. And we need to do the thankless job of having to tell them to just get back to reality and face it.

No question about it, talk to her about what you feel needs to be said. It is the tone in which you take that is the tricky part. Learn to choose the right time. Learn to choose the words that need to be said. And learn to summon up the courage to know that she might get angry at you for saying something that she needs to hear anyway. In other words, learn to say your piece with love. And also be prepared for the possible outcome that she might not listen to you at all and just go back to how she was before the talk. But give her time. Give her space to mull over what you have to say and let’s see how she will react.

I know it is difficult what you are about to do but I think it is what distinguishes you as a friend. To know that it needs to be said and you are willing to be the one to say the very words that she needs to hear although she might not want to her them.

Good luck to you and I sincerely hope that your love, your concern and your friendship would be apparent to her after your talk.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)