MANILA, Philippines — Dear Chico and Delamar... As tight-knit as me and my group of friends are, we don’t like making new additions to the group feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. When a member of the gang brings along
a new boyfriend, girlfriend, or a friend, we do our best to make them feel like part of the group.

However, we can't seem to extend this courtesy to "Kate", the new girlfriend of one of our friends. She's been mouthy, rude, and a know-it-all since the first time she was brought to meet the group. At first, we just dismissed it as initial nervousness meeting us, her boyfriend's oldest friends, but she has been like this all the time.

No one has told our friend any of this yet, but we dread going to gatherings when she is in tow. And when she is at gatherings, I am mostly worried that someone will one day lose control and smack her something fierce. Should we bring this up with our friend on the next Kate-free meet up? Or should we just suffer this woman in silence? — Gigi

Chico says...There is no right way and wrong way to address this issue. If you guys are really close friends, you have every RIGHT (some would even say DUTY) to tell each other how you really feel, especially when it comes to the very important stuff.

You have every right to tell your friend how you feel about his girlfriend, and he has every right to tell you how he feels about you feeling this way about the woman he loves.

Like I said, you're not wrong to find this girl rude, but your friend is not wrong either if he fell in love with someone like this. Rightly or wrongly, you all have a right to your own opinions. Of course it is what you do with these opinions that merit further inspection. If you approach this in a high-handed "it's us or that bitch" tone, then of course you're asking for trouble. But I think if you can dispense the opinion without the surplus attitude, your friend will appreciate the openness.

He may recoil first at the perceived slight against his choice of partner, but when he calms down, I think he'll be in a better position to handle the matter.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that I think his girlfriend is rude.

That said, because she is the woman he loves, I will give her the benefit of the doubt and welcome her as I would a polite girlfriend. But I'd tell him he deserves to know how I feel, as his close friend, and what he does about it is his business.

My job is to be honest about how I feel, and his job is to process that information with an understanding heart. As the common person in between the two sides, it's his job to find a way to make the two sides find a common ground.

Being part of a tight-knit barkada myself, we really need to find that very thin line that separates the "our rights as friends" area and the "none of our business" area. We can give input on each other's choices when it comes to our love lives, but there's a point where we need to back off, even in cases where we feel strongly that the choice that was made was wrong.

You can't force your friend to drop the girl just because she's not your type of person, nor can you force him to discipline his girlfriend.

But at the same time, he cannot force you to tolerate behavior that for you is unacceptable. That's why dialogue is crucial. You need to be able to put on the table the clashing views regarding this girl. You need to be able to discuss the differences without it leading to a fight. If you tell him, there's no guarantee that he'll still be your friend.

He can be gracious about it, but he can feel slighted and take his company elsewhere. But friends need to go through these "initiations" of friendship, where the bond between friends is tested. If you can survive these trials  then the friendship will emerge stronger than ever. If the fraternity collapses under the pressure, then I guess the bond isn't as strong than it should be. It'll have to be ferried quietly to the friendship graveyard, where many former fellowships lie irretrievably broken. But I'd risk it.

The friendship is in jeopardy anyway since it's a white elephant that cannot be ignored.

And like you said, it's just a matter of time before someone blows his cool. So better talk about it while tempers are cool, rather than wait until hot heads do the butting instead.

Delamar says... This is a tricky one. On the one hand, you want to be truthful about how you feel about “Kate” with your friend but at the same time your friend might quit the barkada should he find out about how you feel about his girlfriend. Most people will opt to just say they don’t like their friends’ significant others by just making it felt more than having to say it verbally. This is safer in the sense that there is no confrontation.

However, even if you don’t have an outright conversation about it there will still be some reaction from your friend if he feels you are not as warm with his girlfriend. There’s a big chance that he will still feel hurt about your friends not accepting his choice for a girlfriend. And most likely he might quit your group altogether until he is together with her.

I am a very straight up person especially with people who are close to me. It just makes sense to me to not hide what I feel and think about them or their decisions. I tell them how I feel even if it is inconvenient or might start an
argument.

Of course, I try to be diplomatic about it as much as I can but I say what I feel I have to say to my friend. What they do with what I say is up to them but at least I know that I have been totally honest. And I appreciate people who can very upfront with me too. I just think it makes for a better relationship with family, friends and even romantic partners to always deal with them with the truth. It may be scary to do it at the beginning but at least in my experience my relationships got better with practice.

You just have to learn to trust the people whom you love and who love you that whatever your opinion is it is always coming from a place of loveand concern. Keep that in mind and you’ll get better at saying the truth to each other. Besides leaving things unsaid gives people more room to draw the wrong conclusion hurting the friendship, romantic or otherwise.

And then what? It will be harder to get back to okay when people refuse to tell the truth especially about the things that matter the most. So, you can tell what my advice will be: tell your friend. But make sure you speak only for yourself, not for the others.

Your friend might feel you’re ganging up on him if you go and tell him that the rest of the barkada do not want to hang out with his girlfriend.

Break it to him gently that getting along with “Kate” has not been as easy as you hoped. But keep being open to the possibility that this phase might also just be that --- a phase. What is important is that you tell him how you feel but leaving the possibility that things might get better open. That’s all you can do. Just tell him so that he is not in the dark as to why you guys are not all that crazy about having Kate around or when you are not as warm as he expects you to be. It’s better he knows.

But try to have this conversation one-on-one since he might feel like you are ganging up on him. It is easy to fall into that trap. So, best to avoid any setting where it is him against all of you. He will be forced to defend his GF.

And be prepared for that. Try to keep reminding yourself and him that it’s not about not wanting him to be happy but that getting along with the GF has not been as easy as everyone hopes.

And just to keep things balanced, I also have to remind you that whatever decision your friend makes, whether you like it or not, you have to just be there to support him. Say your piece about his GF but always know that there is a limit to what you can do for him. Some choices are his to make even if you don’t think they are good for him.

After you give him your two cents worth get back to supporting him. Give him the space to freely decide on his own how to address the situation.

In other words, tell him what you have to tell him but always know that as his friend you will be there for him no matter what.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)