MANILA, Philippines — Dear Chico and Delamar... I've always had a close relationship with my dad. I helped my mom take care of him because he suffers from bouts of depression. His condition isn't debilitating, but I just felt that it was my duty as a son to take care of him while I was under his roof. It's a role that I have no regrets taking on.

However, I am halfway through my 20s now, and I feel the need to leave the house and try living on my own now.

I've found a place that is nearer to my workplace, and the rent is reasonable and well within my salary. I've told almost everyone about this except for my parents -- mostly my dad.

I know my father will not be very happy with my decision to move out, because I already tried to do it once.

When I moved to an apartment a couple of blocks away from ours, he was very mad and constantly called me asking me to move back in. He made me feel so guilty about moving out that I ended up going back.

This time I really feel the need to move, and I don't know how to tell it to him. I want to spend as much time with him and my mother before I go, and I am having trouble picking when to tell them of my move and how to do it. I've thought of lying and saying that this is a "company transfer" so that he doesn't feel like I am abandoning him, but I am scared of what his reaction might be if he finds out the truth. Should I just tell him the truth and say that it's just time for me to move on? -Alex

Chico says… Whatever their reaction, however the outcome, we owe the people we love and who love us the truth. Whether or not your father let's you move out, whether he makes a hissy fit or not, whether he gets all emoor not, he deserves to know how you really feel, and you owe it to yourself to tell him what's really in your heart.

Maybe he'll freak out at first, but what father would deny his own offspring the freedom and independence they all crave and deserve?

Eventually they come to the conclusion, some faster than others, that they need to fledge their young and allow them to fly. Even if he reacts to a degree  that stops you from moving out, at least he knows that you WANT to move out, but you're only staying for his benefit. For most people at least, it will just be a matter if time before he feels horrible at how he is stunting the personal growth and happiness of someone he loves, and  no parent would want that. It's a very Pinoy trait to put personal happiness on hold to care for their parents. In my own personal opinion, if it feels right to you, then good on you.

But if you prefer to go after your own dream, it would not be wrong to do so. Your parents had their turn, now you have yours. Besides, it's not like you're turning your back on them, you merely need some of your own space back. You shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty or selfish by wanting what's good for you. It's not wrong. It would be good to find some space in your independent life for your parents, but it's perfectly acceptable to want your own life, as a separate thing from your life with your parents. No parent should raise their kids like investments from which they recoup what they put in. Your duty will be to your children and theirs will be to their own. Of course there is such a thing as gratitude for a job well done, but there is a thin line between being thankful and being held against your will.

There is a distinction between gratitude and emotional hostage. Let your father know of your true feelings, and let his reaction guide your next step. If you feel it more prudent to stay first then bide your time, but if you feel you need to forge on, then go ahead. Maybe if you show hm that you won't disappear from their lives, it'll be easier for him to let you go.

Delamar says… Making that decision to move out of your parents place is a rite of passage. There's a lot that it means: it means you want to live your own life, it means you are  grown up enough to take care of yourself, it means financially you can stand on your own.

So, really it is a momentous time of your life. A child necessarily must fight for his freedom. Not fight to hurt your parents but fight to be seen as an adult, to fight to earn your right to be your own person and not just someone's son. Your parents will not want you to leave, of course. For as long as you live under their roof you will continue the parent-child relationship.

Yes, that relationship never ceases but the dynamics between you and your parents do change dramatically when you don't live with them anymore. Their say, let alone control, in your life lessens. They cannot just tell you what to do because you are living your own life the way you want and the way you see fit. And since you are using your own money  they hardly have much say, if at all unless you ask them for advice.

They will learn to respect how you make your decisions in every part of your life. Any parent wouldn't want that because their capacity as parents diminishes. And although the whole point of parenting is to equip one's child to be independent and to fully be self-supporting so they can continue to strive in the inevitable and eventual death of the parents, letting go of their children is HARD. They have as much to learn about letting you go as you have of learning to stand on your own.

So remember that inasmuch as you are learning to be your own person they are also learning to be less of a parent to you. Or should I say, they are learning how to be parents to an  independent child.

My advice is to be firm. Be firm in your decision. Don't let misplaced guilt stop you from doing what you think is good for you as a person. That is part of fighting for your right as an adult capable of knowing and doing what is best for you. You're not abandoning them, you just want to be able to live your life independently.

Assure them that you will help them should they need you but it is time for you to do this for yourself. If you must, invoke the same right they probably used on their own parents during their time --- to let you live your own life.

Again --- BE FIRM. BE WHOLEHEARTED. AND FORGE AHEAD. What you gain at the end of this is exactly what you are willing to fight for. Nothing more, nothing less.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the
Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)