Dear Chico and Delamar... I am turning 25 in a couple of months, and to tell you honestly, I have not been in any romantic relationship ever. Being a Psychology graduate, I have tried to process the reason for this myself. I think one of the significant reasons why I don't have a boyfriend yet is because of some “traumatic” experiences that I have had when I was younger. Traumatic in the sense that I was “somewhat harassed” (but not to the point of needing to take any legal actions) and because of that, I probably developed an irrational fear/doubt about men’s real intentions towards me.

I have tried to go out with some guys before, but I couldn’t find myself comfortable being alone with them. I actually do not have any “boy” friends, as in NO ONE, which just shows how much I can’t handle even being friends with them. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I'm in the company of a guy, I sort of worry about what he really wants from me, or what his real intentions are from being friends with me.

I try to stay away from these thoughts as I really want to have a family of my own in the near future. Even as a child, I really dream of becoming a mom, but how can I be one if I can’t even manage to date a guy? I have been an avid listener of your show for years now and I would really appreciate if you can help me deal with this heavy baggage.

- Darcy

CHICO SAYS…

If the problem runs this deep, and I suspect it does, at least deeper than you think, you might need professional help to walk you through the path of processing what happened to you.

Obviously it was a major emotional trauma for you, because its effects are far-reaching, extending its tendrils way into your mid-20s. Don't belittle what happened to you. Just because it didn't go far enough to merit legal action, it doesn't mean it didn't do the attendant damage. But I think you just need some guidance,

because the fact that you were already able to identify the problem, means you're halfway there. You're ready to go, you just don't know where or how to get there.

A therapist might help you systematically go through the steps to healing from this emotional wound, and finally help you face your demons and hopefully banish them. But if you're not ready to enlist the help of professionals, sometimes wading into the waters of your fear little by little would help ease some of your fears.

I'm not saying your need to trust all men, we all know that's beyond foolish, because there are men who would put you through that horror again and then some, but there are also decent, law-abiding, God-fearing men out there, who wouldn't lay a finger on you, at least without your go-signal. Do you have female friends who can be your confidantes/bodyguards? Maybe you can confide in them your predicament, and if they're up to it, to accompany you to hang out with some boys. Not so much as in a group date setting, but just to hang out. If you can just start out with having guy friends, no romance yet, just platonic relationships with guys, that would be a good first baby step. Maybe if you see that there are men who won't sexually harass you, it might allay some of your fears.

But if you ask me, your mind might need a reboot of sorts, and maybe this requires more than just a girl-power kind of jaunt to shake out your androphobia.

Talking to a therapist is no guarantee that you'll be fine after, but it wouldn't hurt either to hear them out. If you’re more comfortable with a counselor or a father confessor, or some other trained individual, seek out their counsel as well, wherever you're more at ease. Some demons you can slay yourself, armed with some steely determination, but some, you might need some back-up.

DELAMAR SAYS…

Your fear of guys is irrational. And although there is always a chance that a guy can hurt you, who says women can’t do the same (if not worse sometimes)?

In the end, people hurt people. Guys can hurt us. Girls can hurt us. Family members can hurt us. Friends can hurt us. Strangers can hurt us. In the face of being hurt by just about anybody in this world, why do we even let ourselves in other’s people company?

Why do we not hide ourselves in a remote cave never to see people who can hurt us, people who most probably will inflict us pain intentionally or unintentionally?

The answer is simple — because this is life. That’s how it is. Being around people, men and women, is messy and can hurt. We can also hurt other people we allow to come near us. But being around others can also make us feel happy and fulfilled. That’s why we do it.

My only advice is for you to try to make friends with guys. Allow them in your company. Talk to them. If you feel more comfortable to be in a group to interact with them then do it that way. Go out as a group with guys. You will have other girls as buffer and you will see how other girls handle guys. You’ll learn how to handle yourself in guys’ company when you see your trusted friends and how they handle male company. By staying away from men, you reinforce your fear and you do not allow any real experience to tell you if there really is anything to fear with them. The more you run away from guys because you’re afraid, the more you will be afraid. The more you run, the more you can never find the strength to stay still. The only way to defeat a fear is to face it. There is no other way.

Truth be told, I am a woman of many fears. And when I say many fears I mean — MANY! I’m afraid of dogs, I’m afraid of the water, I’m afraid of plane rides and boat rides. I’m afraid of being stupid. I’m afraid of knowing too much. I can go on and on but I feel naked already having just admitted those things above. At some point I decided that being afraid is so oppressive. It bullies you. It dominates you into submission or into fleeing. And I don’t ever want to live my life always being limited by my fears.

So, you know what I did? I asked Chico, who is a dog lover, to let me spend time with his dogs. I got into diving even if I was afraid of the water and boat rides. I went and tried wakeboarding.

I rode a plane to go the US, Europe and South Africa on my own. In other words, I put myself straight into the path of the very same things I was afraid of. Although I was nervous and felt like I was going to die, I never did. I survived. And today I’m here to write all about it.

So, I guess what I am trying to tell you is FACE YOUR FEARS. The object of your fear is not as dangerous as the fear itself. It is the power we give our fear that truly defeats us. Stand up to it. Stare at it in the eye. You’ll see just how strong you really are. And most likely, you will see that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)