MANILA, Philippines — Dear Chico and Delamar... My husband and I have been married for three years now. We were happy together for more than five years before we got married. But he cheated on me on several occasion and now I am in a dilemma whether our marriage is worth saving.

We have a two year-old son and it took me quite some time to recuperate and actually have the desire to have sexual intercourse again. When I first found out about his infidelity (with a woman offering paid sex), it was five months after our son was born. I was totally devastated and extremely hurt because he eventually admitted to his infidelity and said that he did it only because of the lack of sex. It was very difficult but I decided to stay and told no one about it. We tried to work things out, or so I thought because three months after the painful discovery, I again found out that he cheated with another woman offering paid sexual service.

At this point, I had too much that I could handle so I, together with our baby, went to my parents and I decided that it was best for us not to be together. He, however, did not agree that separation was the solution and begged me to go home. I eventually gave in with the influence of my parents (to give him another chance) so I went home with our baby after a week.

But lo and behold, after four months, he again cheated on me. At that time, I confided with my mother-in-law about what has been going on between me and her son and in the end, she persuaded me to give my husband another chance.

Given his history of infidelity, it does not seem far-fetched that he will be unfaithful again. My main consideration is our son and that financially, I am still unable to support him. As for how I feel about my husband, I would be lying if I say that I no longer love him; however, what had happened had deeply scarred me. I am aware that it is quite tolerated in our society for men to go astray once in a while but I could not find it in my core to tolerate his infidelity and have my sanity and emotional security be constantly at his mercy. — Sam

Chico says… I would never take advising someone who's contemplating leaving a marriage lightly, especially when it involves a child.

So let me tackle this from two points of view: one from purely a "mind" point of view, and another from a "heart" point of view.

From the "mind" point of view, we're talking about a man who is enslaved by his basic instincts. This is what supposedly separates us humans from animals, that we have control over our basic instincts. Even if we are so angry that we want to kill someone, we don't. Even if we want something so bad that we want to steal it, we don't. Even if we desire someone so badly that we'd cheat on our partners, the very one we vowed to stay faithful to, we don't.

He should have more self control than that. Saying the reason he hires prostitutes is because you're not having enough sex is inexcusable. So for the sake of argument that he starts suffering from erectile dysfunction, does that mean you can start hiring male prostitutes to satisfy your basic urges? Would he accept the same excuse that he gave you? Plus, more importantly, he exposes himself, and as a result exposes you, to a myriad of sexually transmitted diseases.

Remember, it's not just an emotional assault here. These women have sex with men as a profession. Who knows what illnesses reside in their nether regions? No judgment here, but this is a major health risk. As they say, you don't only have sex with your partners, you have sex with everyone your partner has had sex with as well. There is a plethora of diseases that he can pass on to you, some eventually fatal. There's the standard gonorrhea and syphilis, but there's the more lethal HIV, which leads to AIDS, and there's HPV that could lead to cervical cancer.

This is no joke. It's not as simple as scratching an itch. He's playing russian roulette with both your healths here. I don't want to cause panic in you, because there is a chance he won't contract anything. But my point is, there is an equal chance that he would.

On the emotional side here, I don't know how you would feel staying with a man with such a low EQ. This is a man who knows that what he's doing is wrong, but keeps doing it anyway.

Personally, I can't be with someone who gives in to temptation so easily. The world is filled with temptation, will he partake of most that come his way? But that's me. This is you.

Which brings me to the "heart" point of view. Like you said, everyone urges you to keep giving your husband a chance. The indignant part of me screams "HELL NO!", but things are hardly black and white. It's understandable that your parents wouldn't want to see your marriage fall apart. And like you said, you can't provide for your kid by yourself and that you, despite everything, do still love him.

So the "heart" part is the unquantifiable part. There's no logic to what the heart wants. Some women leave at the first sign of infidelity, while some lead whole lives living under the shadow of cheating. Only you can answer the question of what you're willing to put up with.

In the meantime, maybe you can consult marriage counselors or professional therapists? Maybe discussing it with a professional mediator could help your husband face these demons within him. Parents can hardly ever be impartial, so maybe a complete stranger trained to walk couples through these issues could get you to some clarity that just the two of you on your own, can't. Do you look out for number one and leave this man who can't keep his d*ck in his pants, or do you stand by your man, as you vowed to stay with him through good times and in bad, even though he wasn't so keen on keeping his vows himself? It's not a cop out on our part, but this one you really have to answer for yourself.

Delamar says… I’m so sorry for your pain. To describe that betrayal is painful is such an understatement. What bothers me the most about your situation is the habitual betrayal. It is happening over and over. Once is more than too much. But this happening three times tells you he isn’t changing nor learning after each heart-breaking betrayal.

If anything, I think he has become braver. He’s developed a taste for it now. He understands that it is possible and that there is no dire consequence to what he did. He still has you and your family after three betrayals.

I believe in giving it everything I’ve got, exhaust all possible means of saving it. But there are limits too. You have to wonder if you are going thru hell and back to save your marriage, what is HE doing? What in his actions and behavior tell you that he is trying to save your relationship? Apologies don’t count since they are just words. They are cheap.

What count here now are actions, actions that mean he knows just how much the person he has vowed to love above all others has been hurt by his infidelity. Actions that mean more than saying sorry. Actions that tell you he is willing to address the issue of lack of sex in the marriage not by going to a prostitute but by therapy maybe. But he is trying to solve the issue by sleeping with someone else!

Tell him that you will only consider staying in the marriage if one; he stops sleeping with sex workers. That is non-negotiable. Second, tell him, you both have to go to therapy. You have to tell him that his actions are destroying your marriage, your love and your trust.

Tell him if he fails in either of the two means he is not interested in saving the marriage, he is merely throwing it away and that you are not going to try to save something he is only destroying.

As for supporting the child, you don’t need to do that alone. He has obligations. Consult a lawyer regarding your rights and claim to child support.

There is no sense in staying in a marriage when your spouse is making a mockery of it. In my opinion, it will make you miserable. And who wants to live life like that? Any kind of saving the marriage can only work if both work on it.

Without his effort by stopping the cheating, what is the point of trying to save it?

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)