MANILA, Philippines — Many years ago, on the other side of the world in England, I remember how proud I was when I got my first business cards as a manager. England was not a business card culture, but I had to visit Japan and therefore my new cards had two sides, English on one and Japanese on the other. On my return from Japan I gave cards to everyone I could think of.

My pride in my cards was rather undermined when a trainee in the company was caught in a fraud. He had entered with an impressive curriculum and the best possible references. He was rather boastful but nevertheless was predicted to have a bright future. The fraud was only identified when a delivery to him was opened by an assistant. This was several boxes of business cards identifying the 22-year-old as “Managing Director”. It turned out that everything he claimed was false, except his name. Always check references!

When I arrived in the Philippines a decade ago, one of the first pieces of advice I received from someone who will be nameless, was “You foreigners need to make sure you save other people’s business cards. Then when you meet a girl in a bar, give her that card not your own”. Sadly I have not yet had the chance to practice this. I have, however, embarrassed myself on a couple of occasions by accidentally handing over someone else’s card. That’s because I have the bad habit of keeping the cards I receive in my card case alongside my own.

What could I add to my cards to make myself more interesting? I have always wanted be called “Doctor”. Not a medical doctor – I don’t want people sharing their symptoms with me at dinner parties. By the way, did you hear the story about the doctor and the lawyer at a cocktail? The doctor says he wished he could think of a way of stopping people at social occasions asking for free advice. The lawyer says “It’s easy. The next morning send them a bill”. The doctor goes home happy but the next morning gets a bill from the lawyer! No, I’d like to be a Doctor of Philosophy. I thought about enrolling at one of those colorum colleges where you can get a doctorate for very little work, but my ambition is not worth so much investment. One day, perhaps, I will go over to Recto and get a diploma printed. One from Harvard would look good on the wall.

It would be fun to have business cards that really made the receiver think hard. The best idea I’ve had is this – to have a card apparently issued by the Vatican. “Monsignor Howard Belton” sounds good – sadly I am far from qualified but the printer would not know this! No job title. Just the words “Special Investigations.” That would put a chill into a lot of my Filipino friends!

Isn’t it an odd world that we live in?