MANILA, Philippines — DEAR CHICOAND DELAMAR...About three years ago, a friend got diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo tortuous rounds of treatment and chemotherapy. Early last year, doctors pronounced him in the clear, and all of us were just happy to put the unhappy incident behind us.

But at a recent part celebrating our office’s anniversary, the two of us got a little drunk, and he ended up revealing to me that his cancer had come back and that the doctors gave him a year and a half at most to live. Going through aggressive treatment again could lengthen his life, but he said that he decided not to undergo it anymore.

He made me promise not to tell anyone about it, which I agreed to on the spot. However, a much more sober me now seems to be questioning this decision. See, my friend just recently got promoted to a higher paying position in the company, but it’s also been known to be much more stressful than the position he previously held. As far as I know, he’s still taking on the job, because he’s going to be on an overseas trip next week in connection to it.

I’m afraid that his insistence on acting as if nothing has changed in his life will hasten his demise. I’m devastated that he’s chosen to not undergo treatment, but I respected his decision not to. However, I don’t know if I can just let him take on more stress than he can possibly handle.

I’ve tried bringing this up in our conversations together, but he always changes the subject and refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong. Am I right in insisting that he should at least scale down with his work and tell the company about his condition? Or should I stand by that drunken promise I made several weeks ago? -Brent

CHICOSAYS… If there’s one thing I learned about my late sister’s battle with cancer is that although in some ways it’s a battle for all, in more ways, it’s a battle of one.

The friends, family, and loved ones are all there to support and to empathize, but in the end, it’s the one suffering from the illness who has to deal with the pain, the agony, the endless puncturing from needles of all sizes, the chemotherapy, the radiation, the oral medicine, the sleepless nights, the seemingly invincible infections that keep you up coughing all night...and that’s on a relatively good day.

So inasmuch as it’s so easy for us to judge the seeming bravery or cowardice (depending on how you see it) of the patient, we don’t know half of what this struggle entails.

True, we might be in a more objective standpoint to help guide the person into making the “better” decisions, but in the end, he has to want to walk the path we cleared for them.

Like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Would you be in your place to give your two cents on the matter? Of course! As a loving friend, you are entitled to give your opinion. Maybe you can tell him to slow down, or lighten his work load, or to agree to take on some treatments, but know that suggestions are just that; you can’t insist on what’s best for somebody else’s body, somebody else’s life.

Even the option to give up is a decision that is everybody’s right. We may not agree with it, but we cannot circumvent it without the consent of the person concerned.

Besides, healing hinges mostly on the good energy of the person involved. If he believes that a certain treatment is best for him, if he believes with all his heart that this treatment will heal him, then he’s got the best chances to survive. But if he feels he’s being forced into a treatment he resents, then it’s an exercise in futility.

I remember a good friend who also succumbed to cancer. On the night that she died, she was rushed to the hospital one last time. As the hospital staff rushed to her, she calmly told them, “Tama na, okay na ko”. She just wanted her last moments to be struggle-free, to be calm and quiet, to be serene in her surrender. Had I been there, it would have been tempting to urge her on, to try to convince her to keep on fighting, to NOTgive up so easily.

But in retrospect, sometimes the best reaction is to respect their decision, whatever that entails, even if it means letting them go. We need to respect when they want to fight, and when to let things be.

So my suggestion is, go ahead and try to tell him how you feel, what you think; I’m sure he’d appreciate it. But in the end, respect his decision, whatever his decision may be. If we were in his position, we would want to be afforded the same respect.

If he wants to fight, then be his foot soldier. But if he wants to go quietly without the fuss, then assure him that you’ll be there for him, be there with him, until he is carried away by the thief in the night.

DELAMAR SAYS…I don’t think you should report it to the company. Doing so will affect his earning ca-pacity and you’re not sure that he’s not doing this for financial reasons. Maybe he needs the money to cover his medical expenses? Maybe he’s trying to earn as much as he can so he can leave as much money behind for the people he loves.

You don’t know his reasons. Knowing that, I think you should talk to him about it over and over until he gives in. If he ignores you just keep bringing it up again. This is important. So I think you have license to harp on it until he finally listens to you or at least gives you a good reason.

My advice is not to bypass him and squeal it to the company. You did promise to keep it a secret. So keep it. That of course does not preclude you bugging him to lessen his work load as it taxes his already failing health.

This is a matter of life and death, HIS life and death. While we’re at it, it’s his career too. Argue about his decision with him. Don’t go behind his back. If there is anyone who will make the last few decisions about his condition, it’s got to be him. More than anyone, it has to be him.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)