DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO...Five years ago, my bestfriend Vina had it all, a happy family, a good paying job and a happy love life. But when her parents died in a car accident, she got so devastated and could not work anymore. Hence, she was fired from her job. She blames everyone, her relatives, friends, and even God, for her misfortune. Our friends stayed away from her because of her negativity. Her long-time boyfriend left her because he couldn’t stand her anymore.

Being her bestfriend and flat mate, I’ve witnessed it all. She also hasn’t been paying her share of the rent but that’s fine with me. I thought it’s my way of helping her.

I tried staying with her through everything but it seems I’m about to lose my patience as well. It has been more than five years and she hasn’t moved on. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to knock some sense into her. Talking and giving advice don’t seem to work with her anymore because she always has a negative thing to say.

I’m thinking that if I leave her, maybe she will learn to stand on her own again. But at the same time, I don’t want to abandon her in this condition. I want to “save” her before it’s too late. Please help. I hope it’s not yet too late. — Jean

CHICO SAYS...Honestly, when it’s this bad, it’s really anybody’s guess. I agree, five years is a pretty long time to grieve in this way. But who is to say what is grief’s life span anyway? But although grief may have an indefinite shelf life, other people’s patience unfortunately does NOT.

It’s her right to shun the world if she chooses, but it is her friends’ prerogative to abandon her as well when the burden becomes too heavy to bear. When it comes to people like this, my personal gauge is, if I can still give, I will. But the moment it starts affecting me negatively, then I’m afraid I’m out. I can feel for a friend’s misfortune, but I have my own messes to deal with as well. Like I said, if you still have some more goodwill to squeeze out from that heart of yours, then why not? I’m sure she can use all the friends (however sparse her list has become) she can get. I don’t know about “saving” her, because the idea to me is a dangerous one, but at least to support her whenever she needs it. But once you feel the Dementor’s breath, I suggest you save yourself before you get sucked into the dark abyss that is the heart of the nega-vortex that is your friend.

Unlike what most people think, moving on IS a choice. No matter how difficult life blows are, we ALWAYS have a choice to move on. We can choose to, we just oftentimes don’t want to. Try whatever means you can, ask her to seek professional help, ask other loved ones to intervene, but in the end, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. Only she can decide if she will let others help her help herself.

I don’t mean to be so hard on someone who’s been through so much, but there are many things in life that are beyond our control. Sh*t happens, and that is a fact of life. We must grieve, but we must also rise from the grief. It’s a tough lesson we must all learn, no one exempted.

DELAMAR SAYS...I think it is time to give some tough love. For as long as you are there to lean on, I think she will not get her act back together. She has become a victim and it has become comfortable for her to be one, using it as an excuse for not moving on. It is easy to be happy when things in your life are rosy. But when life throws us curveballs our true strength and character are forged. To feel low immediately after a tragedy is human. But to never get up from where you have fallen is the true tragedy in life. Five years of understanding is much too much. You’ve become a crutch that she uses to lean on, but what she really has to learn is to rise and walk again.

My advice is to live your own life. You cannot take care of her for the rest of your life. She has to find a way to get back on her feet again, and to live through what has happened to her. Tell her that you want to move out. Don’t explain why or tell her it is for her own good. If she won’t listen, just do it. But stay in communication with her. After all, you’re not abandoning her. You just won’t help her be helpless anymore.

GINO SAYS...You’re in a really tricky situation. I understand your wanting to stick around for her since it feels like it’s the right thing to do especially after what happened to her and I commend you for being the good friend throughout all this time. But what she’s doing is just unacceptable. I understand that what she went through was horrible. I won’t even say that I get her because honestly I wouldn’t know the feeling of losing my parents in a car crash. I’m sure it’s something that’s completely unfathomable. But sticking around for five years and her still not doing anything about it is just too much.

I understand that you love her as a friend but I think she has to learn how to stand up again. She can’t just depend on you to pay for rent since that’s taking away from you taking care of yourself as well. Some might call it tough love, but I seriously believe that if you keep spoon feeding her, she won’t ever be able to stand on her own again.

Whatever devastatingly painful thing happens to us, we have to learn to pick ourselves up. It’s just the way it is whether it be heartbreak from a love affair or a loss of a family member or maybe even both. You just have to learn to pick yourself up.

(Chico, Delle and Gino welcome your letters. Write to: MByouthsection@gmail.com or the Students and Campuses Facebook Fanpage. Listen to the Kikay Barkada Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)