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Tough times call for tough tykes.  So it’s not surprising that at the Family Congress held at the Valle Verde Country Club in Pasig City, renowned educator and author Queena Lee-Chua advised parents to “Develop resilient kids today.”  Resilient youngsters handle and respond to adversities well.  Setbacks do not deter them from performing satisfactorily or doing what needs to be done.

But that isn’t only what makes resilient children extraordinary.  More significantly, resilient kids are “hopeful and possess self worth.  They have problem-solving skills and the ability to make decisions.  They focus on finding solutions when faced with problems, and manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty more effectively.

They have effective interpersonal skills and focus on the aspects of their lives over which they have control,” states CRC Health Group, a long-time provider of specialized behavioral health care services for kids and adults in the U.S.A.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have such capable and confident children?  Well, Lee-Chua maintains that resilience can be taught (and learned).  Here are her suggestions to foster this admirable attribute in the young:

1. Make sure children have at least one positive role model.

Good role models like a kind older sibling, a brave superhero, a selfless celebrity, an exemplary athlete, or a hard-working parent can motivate little ones to set goals, become achievers, and lead productive and meaningful lives.      

2. Find individual strengths and encourage them.  

A talent or an aptitude may be artistic, athletic, musical, or academic, it doesn’t really matter as long as the child has one skill or specialty that he can be proud of, and that can make him happier and more confident as he grows up.  Bonnie Harris, author of the book “Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids:  8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With,” believes every child has his own “island of competency,” and it is imperative that parents find these competencies early and nurture them.  Harris likewise points out in her book that “Focus on capabilities, even potential capabilities, promotes them…while focus on negative behavior promotes negative behavior.  Telling children what to do puts focus on their inability.  Asking them what could be done builds competence.”

3. Challenge kids to meet high expectations and guide them to do so.

It’s okay for parents and guardians to have high expectations as long as these aspirations are clear, reasonable and appropriate for the child.  Besides, ambitions and goals provide purpose and direction to a child’s life, and make him strive and move forward even if he loses or falls short in his endeavor.  Moms and dads can help their kids further by talking to them often, offering advice, sharing inspirational stories, being involved in their activities, and teaching constructive traits and values such as perseverance, determination, and faith.

4. Avoid hyper-parenting or under-parenting.

Practice balance and moderation as a parent.  Remember that children require both supervision and independence but not the extreme kinds. “Permissive (those who say yes too much) and autocratic (those who say no too often) parents create an imbalance of power, have poor boundaries, and hold expectations that set children up for failure,” explains Harris.  She adds that “Power must be shared with the child instead of held or given away so the child learns how to make wise and responsible decisions.”          

5. Let youngsters experience failure.

Losing in a contest, getting a lower-than-expected grade, having a disagreement with a friend, falling off a bike, or scraping a knee in the playground are normal experiences of childhood and growing up. Sure they can hurt or dishearten a child, but they can also build character and impart an important lesson or two.

In the book “The Overscheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap,”  authors Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D. and Nicole Wise counsel overprotective and overassertive parents to forsake their fanatical ways as these “harm families…and keep kids from being self-reliant because it deprives them of experiences that teach them, eventually, how to be able to make their own way in the world.”  The two also appealed to parents to remember that kids are a work in progress.  “Childhood is a preparation, not a [full] performance.  Children are, by definition, immature and unfinished.  They are not supposed to excel, or even be good, at anything...and should not be expected to perform to adult standards.  That’s why they are learning.”