Mons Romulo

Mons Romulo (third from left) during the Olay Conversations launch

Mons Romulo was married for 21 years when she filed for an annulment. The road towards that closure was filled with pain, not only for herself, but also for her children.

In this interview during the launch of Olay Conversations, she shares what she went through and how she was able to get past the wrenching agony to find the strength to move on.

Heartbreak

Three years ago, Mons’ ex-husband left for the United States two days before their wedding anniversary. “He said he needed to find himself. And then he called me that he has extended his trip and that he left a letter in one of the cabinets in the room,” she recalls. “I was excited to look at it. I never thought that we would separate. When I opened it and read the letter, I was really shocked.” Mons admits that she cried the loudest cry she has ever done in her life that night.

“[My ex-husband] said that I was a perfect wife … I was too perfect that I became like a mom to him so he needed space. I was taking care of him too much, probably. But he never told me that. So I never knew it was wrong,” recognizes Mons. “I did question what he saw in [the other woman]. That was the start. But now, probably, there was really something in her that made him smile. But at that time when he left me, I felt I was the ugliest person in the world.”

“My self-esteem was so low. I forgot myself; I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to get out of the house. I remember telling him that I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.” Mons describes how her daughter would hug her and hold her hand before they sleep at night. “But the moment you close your eyes, it’s just between you and yourself. That’s the most painful moment, putting yourself to sleep, trying to forget the pain.”

She thought, at the time, that the pain would never go away. “I remember going to my psychologist and asking if there’s anything I can drink to forget the pain and she said, ‘No, you just have to feel the pain. You just have to go through it until it becomes numb.’”

Realizations

When asked what she did to deserve all that pain, Mons immediately answers, “I made him my world; I made him my everything; I gave him my life. Now, I know it’s wrong.” She confesses to praying fervently back then for her husband to come back.

For almost two years, Mons did try to win him back. “I knelt down in front of him, begged him. I went to his family, his parents. [But] I have to also give myself a deadline. I couldn’t wait forever.” She remembers telling herself that if he doesn’t come back by December, she’ll have to move on with her life. “I talked to my kids and asked them their opinion if I can already file an annulment and they said, ‘That’s up to you, Mom.’”

Once she decided to make the separation official, Mons knew there would be no turning back and that things could get messy. “I knew myself, so whatever He throws at me, at that point, kaya ko na. I went through the lowest already. He was the one who brought me to the lowest. He was the one who prepared me for that.”

Coping

Sadly, when a marriage breaks up, it’s not only the couple that is affected and Mons acknowledges that what happened was very, very hard on the kids.“I was telling my former husband that my pain was four times greater because I carry the pain of my three children.”

“I talked to a child psychologist and told my kids that any time they felt low, or they felt they have any questions, to feel free and contact the psychologist right away or just be open with me.” The loving mom acknowledges, that she had to forget herself for a while, “No personal love life, because I want to devote my time to myself and my three kids. That was the time I knew they would need me even more.”

At that time, Mons’ son was 19 years and her girls were 17 and 15. “Probably, in the beginning, nagkatampo rin sila sa akin but I always had an open communication with them. I made them feel that I was their best friend. I told them that if there’s anything I can do to improve their lives, their emotional state, I’m there for them,” she explains.

“I made them feel that I wasn’t also perfect so they wouldn’t get scared to tell me what’s wrong with me.  One time, after the separation, I started wearing mini skirts and then, my son told me he didn’t like it and that I don’t look like the mom he knew. Immediately, I stopped wearing them and threw them all away.”

Knowing how hard the separation affected them all, Mons also went though counseling on how to approach her children. “These are sensitive matters. I don’t know what’s going on in their minds and I found it unfair that they were going through this suffering and pain. So I wanted to learn,” she expounds. “I asked three counselors how I could make my children’s lives better, how they could feel better, how can I help them cope with the tragedy that just happened.”

Mons is thankful that none of her kids rebelled. “They still got good grades although my youngest became more introverted. But she explained to me that seeing me was a reminder of her dad whom she loves so much and that she was coping. So I gave her the space she wanted.”

When her son started partying more often and would come home late, “I just told him straight that this is the life I don’t want them to have, that I needed him to also have the discipline to go home, not because he wanted attention. And he understood.”

Right now, Mons’ youngest is still coping. “But she’s been attending retreats right now so I’ve been very supportive. I’ve been telling her, ‘I know you’re feeling bad but I’m happy you’re seeking the Lord.’ I’m affirming that what she’s doing is correct.”

Healing

The past three years has brought Mons and her children closer. “I was told to go to places I’ve gone before with my husband and create new memories. So my kids and I went on a trip together to Bangkok,” she reveals. “Surprisingly, we were all very happy. We were able to survive.”

“At this point in my life, there’s no more pain. I don’t know if I got used to it, but I think it’s because I don’t feel love anymore. Probably, if I were still in love with him now, probably, there would still be pain. Wala na eh.”

She advises women that there has to be a balance between taking care of oneself and one’s partner. “If you don’t take care of yourself emotionally and physically, based on my experience, the relationship would not really work. Only [when you] feel good inside and outside [can you] reach out to others. So it’s important to prioritize yourself and then, your partner.”

Mons adds that she’s taking care of herself better now because she’s happier. “[I am] much happier today than I was before; even during my marriage. I’m more at peace. I’ve discovered that I can stand on my own without a guy. I realized that people should not be afraid to face pain, to go through pain. Because after every pain, the sun would come out.”

These days, this admirable lady makes sure to always think positive thoughts. “I just want to do good and be good to all and do what’s right and make my kids and my parents proud of me.”

Does everything she’s gone through made her fear that she cannot love again? “No, because I also do have good memories with my ex-husband and that’s what I choose to remember until now. So I’m open [to possibilities] but I’m not looking. I’m happy with my three kids. I’m happy with the experience I’ve had during my marriage for 21 years. If someone comes along, that’s a bonus for me. I’ll be grateful and happy. But I’m not looking,” she repeats with a laugh.

Some quotes used are from Mons Romulo’s interview with Boy Abunda in the Olay Conversations YouTube video. You can check out the video at youtube.com/OlayPH.